Immaculate Snow

Fleeting Moments of Existence
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2019-10-15 14:38:08 (UTC)

Sleepless night

Yesterday's events have affected me somewhat. So we talked, did I ask about his relationship ? No. Did he ask about mine ? No. I was just basically being that bitter and hateful person that I hate to be and he was again, the victim of everything he didn't do. Poor him, boo-hoo. I will admit to anyone but him that I made my mistakes in this relationship, that sometimes, I might have said the wrong things, hurtful things at times. What is anchored in my mind is what he did wrong, how he led me on, let me believe he felt the same. Because that's what was so attractive about him, the fact that we both felt as intensely attracted to one another. We couldn't help it. We craved each other so badly... no, I WANTED HIM SO DESPERATELY but did he ever feel the same ? Somehow I doubt it. Been there, done that, repeating patterns. Maybe who I'm angry at the most is me, because I knew it was a game, because I played and because I got burnt. I guess, I really do need to write that letter to him, the blank page is easier to be honest to. Writing to him to lay down what's bothering me the most seems like the right thing to do for me. Will I ever send this letter ? Probably not, I just need it to make some order in my confusing feelings. I would like to believe that my eyes loved but my heart didn't, I really do. Concerning SE for now, he's been blocked from everywhere, I got to that because I don't want to risk one more sleepless night. He doesn't deserve the time.

Other than that, today is difficult. It's raining again, the weather is ugly and my energy is down. Probably because my anger (or was it regrets?) kept me up last night. Please let it just be that, and the change of seasons because I'm going to get really depressed if there's a medical reason again. Medical condition that was never determined in the end, there's just something I ingested maybe a year ago that made my liver go mad. I've stopped asking myself questions, we'll see the next blood analysis.


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