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stirring the pot
so, we were each situated comfortably in our homes, in the early morning hours of a monday morning before the sun was even up. we were online together, which was the "livest" we'd been in months, so i actually felt a little giddy. mostly i felt nervous tho. i wasn't happy to be delving back into any emotions that had to do with "us". i was afraid to stir things up. i was afraid to want things again. i was afraid to say something wrong and send him into his dark hiding places. from my perspective, this conversation just shouldn't even be had. but i know all too well, how i have trouble denying him. he said he had things to say. he said they were important. i couldn't NOT hear him out. so there we were.
he started by telling me outright that he'd read all the journal entries that i'd written while he was "away". all of those entries exposed the roller coaster of emotions that i'd been thru during the four months without him. the anger, the pain, more tears than i thought could exist, the wanting to die, and finally at some point, some sort of slow healing. i thought "okay, it's good he read it all. i won't ever have to tell him the story if a need for it arose. it's also good that he sees that i MADE IT. AND THAT I WAS HEALING. I'D NOT ONLY SURVIVED LOSING HIM, I WAS SURVIVING 'WITHOUT' HIM."
but he wasn't happy to hear that in my depiction of things...MY telling of things, i saw it all as him abandoning me. rationally, i knew that i'd made the decision to end things when i hadn't had a choice in the matter. but when i tried to claw my way back to him (immediately after) because i regretted the decision i'd made...he wouldn't have a single thing to do with me. he wouldn't answer a single message or respond to any way that i'd tried to reach out to him. between my having had to make that decision, regretting it and then his refusing to turn back for me, i just...lost it. there's really no other way to put it. have you ever felt like you're clinging to the edge of a cliff, screaming and crying and reaching for the only thing that you believe can save you, but...you can't quite grasp it? you keep screaming and begging and crying and flailing about...all for nothing. all for a type of dead silence that is brutal? until finally, you just let go...and fall?
i remember those first few days of hell, as hanging from that cliff, barely hanging on, trying to reverse all the shit that had been put into a motion that i didn't want. i remember it so well. painfully well. and i remember the feeling of giving up. but i don't remember much about the fall itself. i was a mess and grieving him. and even now when i think back to it, i don't remember rational thoughts at all. i couldn't see straight...not thru the pain i was in. so, when i began to journal again, it would make perfect sense to me that i'd blame him for abandoning me. it mite not have been him first. but when i turned back around to change my mind, he definitely abandonded me then. and the longer he stayed away and didn't check on me or miss me enough to come back...the more i saw it that way. all i could think was that all that love that had been confessed couldn't be real, if it were so easy for him to leave. without any kind of fight of all. and these are the things that my journal entries all full of.
even when i entered therapy and begin getting help for my emotional/mental crash, i still saw it as him leaving me. because i was still here. i was still writing to him almost daily. i was hoping and wishing and waiting for him. but he stayed away...and he continued to stay away.
but now, here was telling me that he thought he was doing the right thing. he thought he was doing what was best for us both, based on the decision "I" had made. in my entries, i'd accused him of not really loving me, but now he's telling me that he stayed away OUT OF LOVE. he said he was respecting the decision i'd made by staying away and making sure i didn't have moments of weakness that would complicate it all even more than it already was. he said he never stopped loving me or wanting me or missing me. on the contrary, all he'd done for those months was think about me, which was why he'd finally reached out after four months. he said he couldn't stay away anymore. he needed to know if the firestorm we'd been thru had died down and how i was. reading thru all the entries had answered his questions about it all, and also let him know that i had the goal of eventually leaving my marriage. he said when he read that, he'd felt the first "hope" he'd felt in a long time.
i felt the strength i'd gathered thru therapy and time...being unraveled by his declarations of love and his holding onto the hope that we could still "be". i felt a happiness, that i didn't want to feel. i was frustrated that i could be so affected by how he feels about me, totally separate from how i feel about him. HIS FEELINGS FOR ME, make me weak. how could anyone turn away from the way that he loves? even when it hurts sometimes? grrrrrrrrr!!!
i told him that i'd just gotten to a place where i didn't hurt every day. i told him it was hell getting there. i told him i didn't want to start things again, only to lose him again. i explained that now i KNEW how it felt to lose him again....i couldn't do it again. i told him i didn't trust him. no matter how sweet his declarations of love were, the fact that he stayed away so long, was stuck in my head, no matter what else was stuck in my heart. i told him that i couldn't let myself fall again, because i didn't think i'd survive it.
so he asked me "what are you saying? are you saying we don't have another chance?"
and i didn't know what i was saying. i knew what i felt. i knew what i feared. and those two things went against each other. i told him i needed time. i needed to think. i needed to figure out what i was capable of dealing with, without ending back up in the places i'd climbed out of. and i needed to throw myself into the facts we couldn't ever escape, for a clear cut wake up call. no matter what...nothing ever solved the issue of his wanting a family and children someday, which would ALWAYS mean, that i was going to be left again.
that day tho...we left it at i'd be taking some time to think about it all. and he said he'd be patient.
IN MY PRESENT...
i'm very up and down. i'm struggling some days really badly, and others, i feel a strength about this parting that i've never felt before in any of of our other "separations". that's not to say that i don't miss him. i miss him so much that sometimes i can't breathe. i feel the loss of him like my heart is outside my body being kicked as i try to walk forward. i hear a song and i have to leave the room to let the tears fall. i am dreaming rediculous amounts of dreams about him. i find myself in room fulls of people, and realize how alone i am.
so much of "ME" has been tied up in him for so long, that every once in a while, i get a flash of "being in the moment" of my own life now. and it makes me realize how consumed with him i've been. cam has been the most profound beautiful thing i've ever experienced. everything about he and i is complicated and i wonder still how something so addictive could be so full of authentic love and such a strong bond. it's all good and bad mixed up together.
he is staying away like i asked. and i'm working on letting go. it's not easy tho. it's hard to let go of the one thing that brought me...all that i needed, and more than i've ever wanted.
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