Immaculate Snow

Fleeting Moments of Existence
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2019-10-13 15:03:02 (UTC)

The start of an experiment

Last semester, I had a seminar on journals and diaries, which was very informative and interesting. During this time, we had to keep a journal under whichever form we wanted and by hand, I did it during the whole semester and then... I just stopped. Now, I might write more about diaries and I thought that I'd try keeping one again, online. Will it hold me more accountable ? I know not, which why this is an experiment, as well as a way to lay down my thoughts and who knows, maybe make some order in them. I guess this serves as introduction.
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Winter is coming, I can feel it in my bones. The weather got cold real fast and season depression is just around the corner. For the past few days, the sun has come back and it's been a little warmer, which is ironic because considering the state of things... I haven't been able to properly enjoy it as I've been so tired. Staying in bed feels like the best option when I can't get out of it.

I've done some sport today, working on those abdominal and back muscles to reduce the permanent pain I got there working as a waitress, I'm not a sports person but it's helped me a lot lately. I always think back and I am proud of how far I've come. I always hated sports because of my asthma, and these days, I hate it because I have the impression that it takes a lot of energy out of me, but I also know that it's good in the long run, so I force myself. Taking this good habit could mean a lot later in life and I wish I had realised sooner. Wait... am I living in the past again ? It's what my therapist has been saying, something to ponder on.

The sweetest person in my life, besides friends obviously, left yesterday. He's doing a job that requires him to leave the country for six weeks, which is not so much considering, but to me it's a lot. We've almost been living together for the past few months, after breaking up a thousand times and finally getting back together to realise that yes, maybe we do still believe in love and that our story might be meant to be. Anyways, he's in a dangerous country but I understood that worrying about it will not change anything. So I'll try to let that go for a while. I know that the fact that he left will help me deal with my issues and unfinished business I might get into later. I will miss him though, and there's an emptiness starting to make its nest in my life. It's not the first time and not the last one, I'll survive. And keep telling myself that.


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