Eel

Disconnecting

i'm just not happy.
and i keep trying to make changes, but it's very hard.
changing yourself is hard. but i have to do it. i barely remember what it feels like to not have thc streaming through my blood.
but each day becomes a little foggier. and i scare myself - i don't want to settle or be lazy.
i needa werk, literally.
but i think i can only take one step at a time, and that's what makes me sad. i can try harder and put in more effort, but it'll take energy that i currently do not have.
but there are goals.
i want to go to the gym. i want to eat more. i want to smile more. i want to remember more.
and each time i take a deep breath, my brain gets a quick one-second reminder of what it's like to be mindful, for every second i remember to be mindful.
but it's difficult.
my brain is typing this. my brain is expressing these feelings.
and maybe i'm having difficulty interpreting them, or i'm having trouble processing them, or maybe they're not even translating correctly. but if we can just chalk all this up to chemical imbalances and biological imprints...that wouldn't make it any less terrifying. and feelings are so fucking absurd. you can feel alone and sad and angry and happy all at the same time. and we don't have the time of day to breathe or manage those feelings. we just keep on keeping on.
but change starts from within.
change starts with one small thing at a time.
get dressed. take a shower. clean the room.
text a friend. smile more. be your energy.
remember, 65 days of cleanliness brought you potential you could've never dreamed of.
bring that to your life. bring your a-game all the time.
you don't have to be perfect, you just have to work.
work it. work that shit, hunty.
and be grateful. remember the times that make you smile or laugh.
make jokes and be dumb and spend time with people.
respect yourself and love yourself.
most importantly,
be yourself. because change starts from within. and in order to shift yourself, you have to be cognizant about yourself. who you are. what you like. read. study. cook. learn. eat. clean. shower. work. sleep. take those habits and organize them. be happy about the structure if it makes you more comfortable. again, no need to be perfect - just the need to be better.

so i'll keep putting my energy in, taking one step at a time. doing better. i'm 10 days into october. tomorrow was around the time i started my 65 day streak, which is actually crazy. i can't believe i remembered that. maybe i can do it again, as an anniversary of sorts, but i will have to commit to change. big or small. i must commit. i have to.