the limp back towards each other for round two
it had been four months and ten days with no communication at all, when i logged on one morning this past april and there was an entry from him.
just seeing the title of the entry, took my breath away. he'd been here...in "our" place, after being gone so long. and just the knowledge of it was wrecking havoc in my "self". my breathing was short and shallow, my heartbeat was too fast, and i couldn't stay sitting. i kept getting up to pace, and then i'd sit back down and look at the title, only to just get back up and pace some more. i went outside to smoke. i started a load of laundry. i emptied the dishwasher. i sat at the computer again and looked at his title. i went outside to smoke again.
it took me three hours to open the entry.
i'd made such decent strides in therapy as far as getting back on my feet and not feeling like i needed him desperately. i still loved him unlike anyone else i've ever loved. i missed him all the time. but i'd reached a place where i could function again and i'd accepted that it was over. even more so, i'd made the decision that "should" he actually come back, i'd not let things start up again, because the ending was to dangerous for me and i felt i couldn't put myself thru losing him again. so....ALL of that is running thru my head, while i keep looking at his entry without opening it. i think on some level, i was trying to prepare myself to stick to what i'd decided, while trying to remind myself of the progress i'd made and didn't want to lose. just "seeing" that he'd left an entry, had everything in me erupting, and i needed to get a grip. my resolve was about to be tested big time.
the title of the entry, was simply an address. he'd moved. i knew he was planning a move, so that wasn't a surprise. the content of the entry said that his life was still a mess, but that he missed me and he missed "us". he said he was sorry to hear that i'd made plans to leave my marriage (which meant that he'd either been reading my entries all along, or had read some when he came on to make his entry). he had always known how bad my marriage was and how unhappy i was and all the reasons why. but said he hoped while we were apart that maybe things could be reconconciled. as if "HE" was the reason things were bad and with him out of the way, i'd could focus on my husband. he was never the reason things were bad...they were bad long before him, or most likely HE never would have happened. people in healthy marriages do not stray. he ended the entry by saying that he loved me, he thought about me all the time, and that the address in the title was an open invitation if i wanted to come and see him.
short and sweet and to the point. just like cam in all ways except sexually where short and sweet could never be applied. anyway...i couldn't figure out what i felt after reading the entry. knowing he'd read my entries when i'd thought he was no where near our journal, made me feel a bit exposed, but i was able to push that feeling aside, because i'd never hidden anything from cam anyway. but that meant he'd also read my near suicidal entries and my beginning therapy and my clawing my way out of the depression our ending had landed me in. i thought it ironic, that as i'd written all those entries, i'd been talking "to him", because that's how our journal worked. but when we ended, i couldn't bear to stop talking to him, so i continued on. but i didn't believe on any level that he was still there reading. i talked to him....i wanted him there....i wanted to be heard by him. but i didn't believe he was there. sometimes i wrote things that i probably would't have written, because i believed he wasn't there to read it anyway. but...he was. he knew the journey thru hell and back that i'd been on. he knew how much i missed him and how i still loved him and always would. he knew that i felt changed for life in ways that made me feel forever grateful to him, and that i would be making life changes for myself based on those changes in me. like i said...i felt exposed. but if i hadn't written any of that for him to read and we'd come across each other again some other way, i would have shared it all with him anyway. it just felt odd that i didn't KNOW i was sharing. when i was talking to him, he was hearing me.
again, i couldn't figure out how i felt. i realized i was scared shitless, and fear is not something that had ever existed regarding cam. i'd run to him over and over in our years together, without any fear at all, despite all the reasons there should have been fear. my need of him over rode rational things, like fear when it's in it's right place. but i felt scared. i felt scared to lose the ground i'd made. i felt scared to become weak again for him and lose myself again. but mostly, i felt scared to hurt him again. he was reaching out to me again, and if i were able to stick to my guns, there would be no more "us", because i would be strong enough to say no.
i contemplated not answering the entry and pretending i'd not even seen it. but i knew better even as i contemplated it. i could not ignore him. it took me three days to answer. i was searching desperately for a way to communicate with him without losing myself again in ways that i had already, and without hurting him. i couldn't let go of the nagging thought that if i begin this again, we would both be hurt again. (and i was so right, cause look where we are now). but i also knew that i couldn't ignore him.
believe it or not, i had walls up. i'd been building them little by little thru my healing in therapy. i was in a VERY SELF PROTECTIVE mode when i finally answered him back. i was determined not to let go of me. all i had to do was remind myself of the dark place i'd ended up in and how close i was to not caring if i even lived...and i'd feel all the pain again. reminding myself of that pain, put fear in me, and i clung to the fear as strength.
so i was very "bland" when i finally answered him back. i told him i was glad to hear from him, but sorry to hear that things were still hard for him. i repeated a few things he'd read in my entries, telling him that i'd been in therapy and was working my way to a stronger healthier me (maybe for the first time in my life). i shared that i was writing like crazy and that it had been a saving grace. (i'm in the process of writing two books). i didn't tell him how much i love him or miss him. i didn't respond to his invitation to visit. i ended the entry by saying that i hoped things would improve for him soon.
and for three weeks, our entries went something just like that...every...single...day. emotionally, we limped together, avoiding all the dangerous places and trying to just keep up with each others daily lives and happenings. but it was clear...that our desire to be connected and communicating was strong. sometimes in a day we'd write back and forth several times. and we never missed a day. the happier i felt with our constant communication, the harder i was on myself with keeping those walls in place. we'd never communicated on a daily basis before tho...and suddenly he wasn't missing a day. we'd share our daily events, and we'd laugh at things, and share a frustration here and there. it was very "friendly", and i begin thinking...how wonderful would it be, if after everything we've been thru, we could still maintain a friendship, similar to what we'd had before we ventured into "US"??!!
and then just after three weeks of safely journaling, he blows it all out of the water, by asking me if we could "talk". he says there are things he read in my entries while he was gone, that he'd like to discuss. i went into panic mode, because i'd just started feeling safe on the friendly level, but to go back to any of my entries while he was gone, would NOT be on the friendly level. it could ONLY be things about us, and i felt like if we let ourselves even discuss "us", it would bring up emotions and things that i didn't feel capable of dealing with. we'd thus far avoided anything emotional or serious, and had just kept things easy and friendly.
i felt i couldn't "see" him...or i'd just lose myself all over again. for all the progress i'd made, i still knew how i felt about him and being face to face with him threatened all my resolve. so i told him i was willing to talk live in a messenger chat but that i wasn't willing to meet with him. that bothered him alot. he said there were things he needed to say to me and that they should be said in person. and as much as i wanted to give in...i just couldn't. i mean, i literally COULDN'T. i was amazed at my own self, for being able to tell him no, because it hadn't happened before. so much of my draw to cam had been the control i'd lost. i loved that! i loved that nothing mattered, as long as i was with him. i loved the abandon i was able to let myself experience with him. but, at that point my self protection mode was still guiding me. i now KNEW how it felt to lose him, and the fear of experiencing it again, had me frozen. he felt i didn't trust him, but i tried to explain that it was ME that i didn't trust. he wasn't happy, but he finally agreed to the messenger chat, and we set up a date where i knew i'd be alone and free to talk.
IN MY PRESENT...
it's obvious that i did lose him again...i've lost him. we are no more. and it's the same hell as the first time on some levels. but i notice a difference too. as much as this hurts, i feel stronger this time, because i never fully let myself go in our round two. i was too afraid to be in that drowning place again. it's like, i was ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop, and therefore always on guard, protecting myself. some things happened in our round two that i'd thought would never happen, and while they were precious, precious gifts from him, they also kept me scared and grounded. and i'll share those as i continue on with the "going backwards" entries. but right now, missing him and hurting, and feeling the loss of him all over again, i know it's the right thing and that is giving me a bit of strength to stay upright, instead of that awful feeling of being on my knees and crawling thru glass. the pain is here....constantly. but so too, is a rationality that has never, ever existed for me, when it comes to him. i finally feel like as long as he doesn't come back and ask for me again, i mite finally be able to break this years long addiciton.
but then again, lets keep it real and honest; on some level, i feel like it's really never gonna be over. he has so much to explore still. his dreams are still out there, waiting for him to find them. but "HE" is my dream.
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