Scream Above the Sounds
2019-10-09 13:16:47 (UTC)


I've woken up feeling very depressed today. I didn't go to college, and I've just been sat here listening to Brand New ever since. Listening to Brand New often feels like I'm in a time machine and I'm back to the depressed 14-15 year old I was back then. I guess some things never really change. They are such an iconic band though, their lyrics speak to my soul. I have always found so much solace in bands like Brand New and Death Cab for Cutie. I'm not entirely sure why I'm feeling so down today, I mean I have a pretty good idea I guess. I feel like nobody gives a shit lately. I hate feeling like this too because I just want to tell myself to pull myself together and get over it.

I always feel like my mentality changes, but never for long. I tell myself frequently to stop putting time into people that just aren't interested or are willing to give that reciprocation, and believe me when I say this: I am not needy. I am so used and desensitised to loneliness. I'm the last person to realise there is a problem with my behaviour or lack of social activities. I'll sit in my room and not leave the house for weeks and surround myself with music and video games. Trust me, I will be fine on my own. It's just sad and disheartening when it's people that you're supposed to be 'close' to and they don't even respond to you. I'm just talking simple stuff too, like just reading a message and not replying. It makes me feel like a piece of shit or that I'm just an annoyance. It makes me want to cut everybody off.

I'm not a beg. Am I lonely? Absolutely, but I'd never beg for friends or try hard. I just want people to be clear with me. It's not fair when people ignore you for weeks and then come back like nothing has happened. It just makes me feel like a doormat and a bit worthless. Am I being dramatic? Probably. I guess it's the bad/sad mood talking, rather than me thinking clearly. I'm going to the gym soon, that should help. My parents are going away tomorrow for my dad's birthday and aren't back until Saturday. I was thinking of having a house party on the Friday, but honestly feel like just shrouding myself in darkness and doing absolutely nothing now.