"I. Shinji" by Shiro Sagisu
October 8, 2019 Tuesday 9:12 PM
Today has not been a good day. Yesterday I was told my Grandma was dying (again) but this time actually. The last time we thought this was happening was April, and then I went to see her in August and I kind of believed her when she said god was healing her, and now that is not the case. She is getting weaker. I've been a bit stupid since then. I called them, but at first she was asleep and then I was crying and I felt stupid for crying. And then I went to therapy and cried there and felt stupid for crying. And I fell asleep reading at around 7 PM and woke up at 9, and then didn't go to bed again until 2 in the morning. And I didn't go to class today. I got up at noon and went to the Athenaeum to try and work on a project for my literature workshop, and then I went to work and cried a little there in the back stairwell, and then I went home and I called grandma and I said my "last words" and I couldn't really understand her when she tried to speak except for when she said "I'm here." And then I cried more and I took a shower and calmed down, and now I just cried a little bit, but it all feels very stupid and selfish to cry.
I know she wouldn't mind or anything, but I just feel bad. Although I've known her my whole life and I even lived with her for a period (when I was 9-10), I don't feel like I know my grandma and I have a lot of guilt associated with her. I just felt bad. I feel bad. I don't like knowing she's over there dying and I'm going about my life and either way it won't be different before or after. Because I'll forget about her. That's what happens when people die, is you're sad and then you forget about them. And eventually your sadness stops being about who they were in your life and becomes more about their memory and its fragility; how you can't picture their face anymore, how you can't make up their response to a question anymore.
It feels bad; makes me have a lot of questions, think about a lot of bad things, I want to be comforted but I don't want anyone to know. I only told Karina because she sent me a nice message at a vulnerable time, right after I tried to call my granda (I've been trying since I found out, but she was resting).
Idk I just feel bad. I saw this guy pass me on the street today, he was so buff his thighs were straining out of his khakis, you could see the vivid outline of his phone—but not his dick, because for some reason the cloth was very loose there. All in all, a very awkward fit, and he was also walking with his spine bent too far back, like he was trying to compensate for some forward-pulling weight; or like he'd just got thrown into this body an hour previous and still hadn't figured out how to operate it. That's what I thought about for a while. I didn't change my socks this morning, I didn't take a shower even though I felt dirty. I was too tired. I just felt so weird today, I felt so weird.
I was talking to Nadiya, telling her about how I had gone to the Athenaeum instead of class, and how much I hated that place, and then I started to get lost in my own thought and she asked if I was okay, and I got the feeling she was asking not because of what I was saying then but what I said before and anyway I said I was fine and left the room and cried a bit and felt stupid.
I am fine. I don't like what is happening. I'm wary of being over-dramatic. I love my grandma. I'm sad. That's all. I don't know what I want from anyone else. I don't know if I want my grandma to live. I think I want her to die, sooner rather than later. But now I hate that I've said that, it sounds awful. I don't want her to die. I guess I don't care either way. I guess what scares me more is that the death is happening and I don't know what it means. I guess if she could live until I died, I'd be okay with that too, but not desperate for it, like I would be with my mother or something. I guess, as my grandpa said yesterday on the phone, this can only go one direction. It's just a matter of when. But that doesn't change my indifference, does it? Or is it indifference, is it desire? Of course it is, the scientist in me is drawn towards the morbid. I like it, I love it, I want to watch it happen to me. Just as I am drawn to anything novel, right? But especially the dark stuff, because it doesn't make as much sense, because it makes up a lot more of the world. But this is my own grandmother and I can't use her like that, to satisfy my curiosity, but I do, don't I? I use her as material. I filmed her hospice bed, I recorded her murmurs, I wrote down her thoughts, like a subject and not a person, I thought, I only have one chance to get this down, I thought, I must preserve her, but I'm not trying to preserve her, am I? I am trying to preserve the state she is in; it's research, not love.
Do I love her? What qualifies? She is a member of my family. I have seen her all of my life and she has always scared me; she was always scolding someone. I didn't see her as a nice person until I was 17, and that was right before her health began to decline. Before that, I avoided interacting with her, I ignored her birthday cards, I dreaded the moments where I was under her roof and she would say things—usually to Caroline—I hated her for that, or at the very least I was angry. I didn't know she was an intelligent, beautiful person until very late in our relationship and Lancelot says that is not my fault. I don't have much in common with her; or I don't think I do. She said she regretted not cultivating a relationship with Caroline and I, so I've been trying harder for the last few months, to I guess, grant her dying wish. I don't know if I love her. I know her—sort of. I know her, I've watched her. Does that mean I love her? I know I am sad. But why am I sad? Am I sad because I love her or am I sad because I am scared of death?
I guess I'm just– I don't know. I am going to stop thinking now. I am exhausted. I don't feel like I learned anything from this expedition. That's a shame.
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