Littlewhorror00

Getting out of my head
2019-10-08 15:48:20 (UTC)

So, a lot has happened

So, a lot has happened since I last wrote. I've tried to write this out atleast a hundred times since everything's happened but I haven't managed it. So a week and a half ago my mum tried to kill herself again, luckily she didn't succeed. But seeing her in that state again really put a lot of things into perspective. I can finally see the person my mother is. Don't get me wrong I love her unconditionally and I always will but she's selfish and dramatic and difficult. It's hard to get your head around something like that, nothing hurts more than feeling like as a child you aren't a good enough reason for your mother to live and that's one hell of a burden to live with. Especially with being the oldest of 5 it's difficult to be the strong one for them all. I feel like these days all I'm doing is being strong for everyone else, I've got all these things going on in my head that I don't want to voice because it's hard to admit I'm not as strong as everyone believes so I get on with it.
On top of my mother losing the plot I started university, my second attempt at my first year. And for once I'm actually fucking excited about it. The idea of actually passing these units and moving onto second year instead of sitting and stagnating in this little bubble of depression and self-pity I created for myself throughout the past year. I've never been one to ignore my flaws but I've always been great at making excuses for them. And these last few months I've realised I can't keep doing that, there's no way I can change the past but I sure as shit can make sure I don't repeat it. Right now my biggest fear is becoming my mother, and that in itself is an amazing motivator because I know for a fact if I ever did I'd lose my mind. Well and truly lose it. Because i never want to put my family through what she's put them through already. I've had enough suicide attempts to know that there's always someone it will hurt and sometimes I feel like I'm not living for myself, but I've realised that on those days I'm not living for myself I am living for the people that love me, for my two best friends, who will always do everything they can to be here as much as they can, even though they're both 150 plus miles away from me at different universities they're only a phone call away. For my boyfriend who'd do absolutely anything just to make me smile and who I want to see progress and do amazing things. We argue about all sorts of stupid shit but at no point, even when I'm questioning why I'm still with him and what I'm doing this all for, at no point have I ever had to question the love I have for that man, the guy who'd sit in A&E with me and my mother after she'd taken a fuck ton of pills and not even bat an eyelid, the one person I know that whatever I do will always be good enough, because he thinks I am good enough. The fact that he's been through all of that shit with me and not let it change his opinion on me or of my parents it's astounding because if I were him I'd of run for the hills, let alone stuck around for two years. For my godson who I don't want to miss growing up, who I want to see become a little person and then become a man, because I know no matter what he'll always see me as the person who he can run too when his parents are being crazy. For my sister who is in no way my sister by blood but has become family, granted she's crazy and drives me insane but even when I feel like I have no one in this world she's always there, with my godson in tow and she'll always make sense of a situation, remind me of why I'm doing this and push me forward. For my actual sisters, who I'd love to murder ninety percent of the time because they drive me so crazy but I'd do anything to protect them and watch them grow up to be as amazing as I know they will be. And my brother's, who will never understand the unconditional love I have for them both, and the pride I have in them for the little men they're becoming. I have so many amazing things in my life that I take for granted on a daily basis because I constantly feel as if I'm failing everyone. But I'm not. And we all need to remind ourselves once in a while that we have people that want to help, people that want to love us and watch us thrive. And everyday I wake up breathing I'm proud of every person I have near me because not one of them hasn't got things going on in their lives and they're all doing so amazingly well at dealing with it and living life to the full because they deserve the world and if they don't get it I'm sure as hell going to try to give that too them because if anyone deserves it, it's definitely them.
Don't forget to remind yourself of why you're here and who's keeping you here. And don't forget to live for the little things, it doesn't matter how small you think it is if it's important enough to stick around for then it's important, period.

M.x




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