miss mess

midlife implosions
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2019-10-08 12:32:41 (UTC)

down and out

yesterday i was lucky enough to be home alone and therefore i could lay around in my misery and let it bet felt. today, i do not have that luxury. much as i hate it sometimes, life goes on. it doesn't stop for me to get a grip.

i still can't bear to think of going backwards again, to finish our story just yet. i'm gonna need some time for the pain to dull, before i can remember the good times without it tearing me apart. i'd like to be at that place, where i can smile at what we've been to each other and it only hurts a little bit that it's over....but i'm far from that at the moment.

and i'm having to fight every single second, to not reach out to him and undo everything. the only thing that keeps me from that, is knowing that the last time i hurt him, he was hurt enough and angry enough, and disappointed enough in me, that he was able to stay away without a word for four months. i can't face his disappointment in me. to him, i am just another who wouldn't accept him for who and how he is. i hate myself so much for appearing to be that person for him. even tho it's so far from the truth.

and of course, i KNOW this is the right thing. that pisses me off so much. but without a doubt...i know it is. we never should have started to begin with, but we chose to anyway, despite all the reasons we knew it couldn't go anywhere. we wanted to provide an oasis for each other and for ourselves. was it worth it? and that's a horrible question, because of course it was worth it. i will just believe it more when i'm not hurting so much over the reality we knew from the start.

i layed in my bed last nite and had the image of myself floating back down into my life. during my time with cam...i was not in my life. beginning with cam was escaping my life, and then loving cam was a purposeful denial of my life. now that he's gone, am i supposed to somehow just settle back into my life, as if it never happened? i wish the answer was an easy yes....just pick back up where you left off. fix what's been broken and make the most of what you have. it would make EVERYONE in my life so happy, if i did. but the answer for me, is no. i am too changed by time with cam, to ever live the life i was living before he came and took me on a journey thru myself and a love unlike anything i'd ever known...or ever will. i can't go back to what i had. it would be like dying a slow death. it would be like saying i'd never been loved by cam.

but i also can't make any moves to change things until i heal from this. i'm in no place to begin such permanent steps. everything hurts to much. a part of me is gone. i'm nowhere near even "wanting" to pick myself up yet. i have to function today. it feels like trying to fill up a balloon with no air.