pleasedisregardmyinhumanity

the sewers
2019-10-08 09:55:49 (UTC)

mental health 08/10/2019

forgive typos im writing this all in one take and not editing shit because its 5 am and i haventl slept and im kinda losing it so mi just gonna blab fhdjskfh

ive always struggled with low self esteem but lately its been getting worse to the point that i consider myself to be subhuman

i obsess over my humanity or lack thereof and its exhausting, but at the same time i feel a sense of closure like "oh well this is fine because im not a person", and it kind of gets easierto take a hit, literally or figuratively. i dont know if this is a result of some delusion of worthlessness (cause i do experience delusions frequently and they suck ass), or if its a byproduct of severe anxiery and depression, but i genuinely have stopped caring for my wellbeing as a result of thesse thoughts.

when i obsess over it, i put other people on a pedistal. and by other people i mean literlly everyone. like im just some parasyte threatening their beautiful humanity with my gross ugly,,, isms. i cant even explain myself propelrly but i genuinely feel this way most of the time and its almost impossible to convince me otherise. i think i need to see a doctor or something lmao like seriously im nt a person

im envious of people and theirr ability to feel things to the full extent. i only feel a muffled, watered down form of most hmuan emotios, to the point where my feelings seem like a cheap mimicry of what real human emotions are supposed to be, because like. thats literally the case. i dont feel things like other people do

theres a tiny rational voice in my head telling me that i cant be nonhuman or subhuman or whatever but honestly like even if thats the case, its near impossible not to listen when the much louder parts of my brain are yelling yelling yelling yelling yelling yelling that im not a persona dnt that im just some burden on society ssimply by existing as a subhuman entity. i feel like im walking around pretending to be normal and i think thats whats driving me insane right now like i genuinely dont know what im supposed to do in this situation because my base instinct is to just roll with it and deal with it on my wn but another part of me knows that this is a huge issue and might need to be checked out but nobody i know will listen to me when i tell them i have a problem and im afraid that ill do something irrational and end up hurting myself

to clarify i am not a danger to others i could never hurt a human being intentionally and i actively work to avoid accidentally hurting anyone i could never and if i did i dont know what i would do wth myself fbdsjfhdi

i kind of want to go to a doctor because i know thses feelings arent exactly normal and the extent to which i think about these things (id call it obsessive. once i start i cant stop and its like a never ending spiral of "im not a person lmao" over and over and over and over and over and over and over and yeah'

nobody will listen

all i get from people is "its all in your head" and im like yeah chief thats iinda the issue here

its like nobody cares

ive been like this since i was 11 so thats almost years of this bullshit and nobody seems to care i got thrown into counselling briefly for an unrelatd issue and it didnt help ne bit i need a fucking doctor or some shit klike i feel like i should be medicated or something because nothing ever helps this shit ive tried changing diet and behavior and sleep patterns and none of that has helped in the slightest
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and now that im an adult im doing nothing with my life besides sitting at home so im sure thats not helping but its not like i can do anything besides just sit sit sit sit alone and do nothing. maybe draw if im feeling it but i neveer do cause im a depressed piece of shit lmaoamdladm

basically im not in any immediate danger but i need help and im struggling to get it




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