miss mess

midlife implosions
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2019-10-07 15:17:31 (UTC)

IN MY PRESENT...

i am trying to find words. but the struggle to do so, is real this morning.

i didn't so much end things and let him go. it was more that i pushed HIM to end things and let me go. and he did.

i wanted to come here today and write the continuation of my "GOING BACKWARDS" with the "crash and burn" entry. i wanted to write about how he came back into my life and how we limped along like two broken people, until we found our perfect groove again to begin what i called our "round two" (which has been the last 6 months). but it's too painful today to remember that. all i feel today, is this loss. today there is an ending, and i can't bring myself to remember the last beginning. the two are vastly different. today, i can only feel and barely breathe the ending. how can there be so MUCH pain inside such emptiness? holes are empty. but this one is overwhelmingly full of pain.

i started writing here, because i knew i needed to break myself of this cycle that cam and i continue to repeat. for both of us. for so many reasons. my addiction to him, is actually the least of all the reasons, when it comes right down to it, because all the the other things are so much more important and meaningful. but it was hitting a rock bottom with my addiction to him. it was feeling the pain of him being "gone" in his quiet and dark times. it was how alone i felt....and how he is incapable of letting that matter enough to NOT go silent on me when he struggles. it was the feelings of self doubt and self worth that his disappearing would breed in me. it was hating myself for not being able to be everything he needed.

all of those feelings were just getting to be too much, and i knew it when i started to feel my own darkness closing in around me. i knew i needed to save myself. but how awful it is, that in order to save either of us...i've had to hurt us both. there is a song in my head that amy winehouse sings...and the line, "what kind of fuckery is this?" just keeps playing in my head. over and over....just that line...just that question. even tho i know this had to be done, i'm having trouble grasping the reality of it. there are so many questions, and not enough answers. and i don't think the answers will ever come either. it will always just come down to... we were just "us"...we were what we were. for no reason that can be taken into a future. we were a place and a stop on each others paths in life, but not the end of the road for each other. we were fate, but not destiny.

why does something so beautiful, have to hurt so much? and again...there's no answer.

i thought if it were "his" decision to let me go, he would fare better, than if i left him. i still think that was the right decision. but in order to get him to let me go...i had to hurt him, of course. the whole conversation was one of the hardest things i've ever done. even now that all is said and done, there is so much that just does't make sense. there are so many "why's?" not every rhyme has a reason, and we were the perfect rhyme, with no reason. how rediculous is that?


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