crash and burn
it wasn't the way it was supposed to be. there were different reasons that we KNEW would part us. the one my head wrapped around the most was his meeting someone that would take him on his dream journey of love, marriage and babies. even that one was painful for me to accept, but losing him to his dream made sense. it made the idea of losing him bearable. if i had to lose cam, it had to be to his own happiness.
but that's not what happened. the parting was beyond painful and there was no pending, expected happiness for either of us. we were just "gone" for each other. in a matter of days, things came crashing down on both of us...things that had nothing to do with "us"...and yet, it came between us. and then it was over. it was just over. and i couldn't breathe...
it was "me" who'd had to end it, because of things beyond my control. even tho, we both had things getting in our way...it was ultimately "me" who'd made the final heart wrenching decision. to be forced to give up the thing that means the most to you in the world, in order to spare other important people, seemed like the most unfair thing. but it's what it was. i had to make a choice that never, for one second felt like the right choice, even tho it was the ONLY choice at that time.
i felt like i was on my knees crawling thru shards of broken glass. i couldn't get up...and there wasn't a move i could make that wouldn't hurt and cut me deeper. i was drowning in the loss of him and i couldn't get air into my lungs because my heart was bleeding into every part of what mattered inside me.. i am trying to find words profound enough to convey what that loss felt like. but i am not sure there are adequate words for it. the pain took me over, until it's all i was. i didn't exist anymore.
it took me weeks to even TRY to get beyond the pain and find some part of myself again. on some twisted level, i didn't want to let go of the pain, because it felt like it was all i had left of him. i needed it because if i stopped feeling it...i feared for myself. if i stopped feeling the pain, i was afraid i'd feel NOTHING. i began sleeping insane amounts of time, because only in sleep, could i breath without feeling like i was still drowning. and even then sometimes...my dreams were haunted with his beautiful face, or his hands reaching out for me, but me being unable to get to him. the dreams were awful. and waking up to the reality of it over and over again was awful too.
about a month into our break up, something on my end eased up and made it possible for me to reach out to him again. but when i did, he wouldn't respond. i'd hurt him. i'd earned his trust and love....and then i'd hurt him. hurting cam was the thing i couldn't handle. knowing he was there, somewhere, without someone to love him the way he deserved to be loved, was almost the death of me. not just a figure of speech...but literally. he couldn't forgive me, and i couldn't forgive myself.
my life was a mess, because i'd always been able to function without anyone knowing about us and any of the feelings that came with us. but i lost the ability to hide my pain. i couldn't function. my family witnessed a downward spiral that they didn't understand, and i couldn't explain. they were afraid for me, and i could see it in their eyes, but i couldn't bring myself to console them, because i was afraid for me too. i ended up in therapy, agreeing to go, only to stop their voices.
therapy ripped me wide open, in order to be able to begin healing. in my first session, i broke down in an embarrassment of too long held in emotions. i was "red flagged" in my medical file. if you have been in therapy, and been really fucked up, you know that means that she deemed me "a suicide risk". not just based on her own evaluation of me, but by my own admission too. while i knew i could talk to her and that things would remain between she and i, i also knew that she had collected phone numbers of my family members, in case they needed to be contacted if she felt i was going to hurt myself.
therapy is weird in that, you have to hurt first, in order to begin healing. things get more painful first, because you dig into them. but in that digging is where you find the wounds that need the most attention for treatment. i have never cried so much in my life. in all the time that cam and i had been together, he had been the only one i'd been able to talk to when it came to he and i. there was no one in my life i could tell. no one i could share the ups and downs with. but in therapy, i was able to voice every single thing and it came rushing out like a waterfull. on some levels it was hard as hell. on other levels, it was such a relief to be able to talk about him and give a voice to all that i felt. in two months time, i made some decent strides in terms of gathering myself again and being able to stand up and function again. i knew i would never, ever be the same again. i was forever changed, in all the best of ways, by my time with him. i'd found parts of myself that had been buried so long, that even i didn't know they were parts of me. but i had all these truths inside me, because of him. and i have ended up making some huge life decisions, based on those truths. the main one was that i couldn't remain in the relationship i was in, even tho i knew it would take me a few years to get out of it. i had to begin taking steps to make it happen.
yes, i was/am married.
i knew i could not continue to live my life based on others needs, while burying my own. doing so, had emptied myself until i was nothing but a shell of whoever i really should have been. and i didn't know who that was supposed to be, but i vowed to figure it out. i vowed to either learn all of me, or create a me i could move forward with, based on ONLY authenticity. no more living like i was a performer in a role to please others and being what they wanted. my therapist, had helped me begin to unwrap myself. i didn't feel strong. i felt empty, and i felt like the place in my heart where cam lived...would forever remain empty. but at the same time, i'd gotten to a place of gratitude for the time i'd had with him and the experiences that had brought me to life, when i hadn't even known i was dead. i'd gotten to a place where i didn't cry everyday. i'd gotten to where i could function again, and begin picking up pieces of my life to show those around me that i was gonna be okay. and i WAS going to be okay. i had a plan....and it was my saving thing. it was private...it was mine. but i would bring it to fruition. and with my therapist helping me keep myself straight about ME, and working towards this plan, i had hope that i could be truly happy. i'd never been truly happy in anything in my life, until cam. it's a sad thing to admit...but it's the truth. you cannot be completely and truly happy, if you are not allowed to be who you are.
i had begun writing in the journal that cam and i shared. i knew he wouldn't read it anymore, so i was free to share the hell i'd gone thru and come back from, and free to share the new journey i was on for "me". and my therapist suggested that journaling would be a healing thing. so, i talked to him, as if he was hearing me. i wanted him to know that i was grateful for him and his love, for getting me to finally understand that my own happiness mattered enough to fight for it. and it was gonna be a fight. there was a lot i needed to untangle before i could be ALONE, and free to be myself, and that was my goal. but i wanted him to know that his love had made a difference in my life. his love mattered. his love was truly beautiful and transforming. again, i knew he wasn't reading anything i was writing, but it was comforting to me to be expressing it to him none-the-less. i needed to express that tho i would miss him until my last breath, it no longer brought me to my knees in pain, when i thought of him.
i often wondered "what if"? what if he reappeared again someday? what if i were to run into him somewhere? what would happen? but in my heart, i tried to reason that we'd always known we had to end anyway. it came sooner than we'd thought and a different way than we'd thought. but we'd ended. i'd barely survived losing him, and i didn't feel like i could survive losing him again. i couldn't do it twice. so that meant that i also could never allow myself to fall again, if he did come back. i guess i sort of built up walls? i made myself some sort of strong, in order to save myself.
and then, four months and ten days after we'd disappeared from each others lives, i logged on one morning to write, and there he was.
IN MY PRESENT...
i finally answered his message, but i'm aching over it. why is nothing without pain when it comes to he and i? how can something be so beautiful and tragic at the same damn time?
i simply told him that i was glad he was feeling better and had resolved whatever issues he'd been focusing on, because i knew it all meant that he was out of his darkness again. but then i had to tell him that i was going thru a bit of issue myself, regarding "things", and that it was "me" who needed time, this time.
and again, i know i've hurt him. i'm always here when he comes back. he counts on me. and i am letting him down. but i seriously don't know any other way getting myself to a place of finality, when it comes to us. for almost 6 months, we've been experiencing our "round two"....or "second chance", and it didn't come easy. but i've had reservations this whole six months. i did "fall again". we've loved in our perfect, amazing ways, and made more beautiful memories. but a part of me has not "let go" this time. and when he went "quiet" on me this last time, it brought back everything i felt when i lost him. i just can't keep doing this. it just hurts too much. if he were to leave me, it would be so much easier. it wouldn't save my pain, but it would save his, and it's his pain that keeps holding me back. i'm just not supposed to be someone who hurts him. thats how it's SUPPOSED to be; he leaves me to move on to his "life".
but we've been doing this for years now. and as long as i remain here for him, he is not open to his dreams of marriage and children. i will explain how i know this, as i continue to go backward in my entries. it's something he admitted to me in these past months, and i haven't been able to let go of the fact that i'm in his way....even if he says its not the truth. i know his dreams. he's shared them with me. and i know that i cannot give them to him. so it's not fair to keep him from them either.
i've actually decided to write a book about us, that i've already begun writing. the world may not be able to ever know about cam and i as who we are. but i can write our story, and no one will know it's us, and it will give and outward life to everything we've been that's always had to remain inward. it will honor us for the truth of us. and i am hoping in the biggest way, that writing it will help me heal as i lose him again.
anyway, i sent him that message, and he wrote two words back. "i understand". he told me when we resumed our relationship six months ago, that if i ever left him again, there would never be another chance for us. i have to be strong enough to end this, knowing that. because even tho we''ve pushed and pulled so much in our years together, there has mostly been the understanding that if certain things don't come into play....we will always "be" when we can. he meant it tho. i hurt him in january when i had to end things, and he came back anyway. but he made it clear that he'd not come back again, if i left him again. i have to accept that finality, because i can end this. i have to fully accept that if i do this...there will never be cam and i again. i need to be strong enough to not take it back when i feel my moments of regret. and i need him to be stronger too.
its so much easier said than done. i'd like to think that a few years up the road, i run into him somewhere and he's happily married and holding a child of his own. i'd like to think he'll realize that i did what was best for him, and that he'll appreciate me for letting him go so that his chances at something at something real are better.
it really does suck tho, that the best way to love him, is to let him go. it almost doesn't make sense. but i know that it does.
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