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the first "ending"
sometimes when he fades away, it's just for a few days. sometimes a few weeks. the hardest part for me, i think, is how i'm silenced. when he begins to pull away, i instinctively hold on tighter and try to keep him with me. it never works tho. when he goes to his dark places, there is no stopping him, and i'm left feeling like i'm completely alone. like we don't even exist.
have you ever loved someone so much....or been so affected by someone, that no matter how they make you feel...all it takes is just a waggle of his fingers calling you to him, and you can't resist? that's how i am with him. when he comes from his spells of depression and dealing with things that need "focus", he is always looking for me. he comes looking for the light again...which is me for him. and for me...it's sort of the same, because when he's with me again, i feel like the sun shines when i hadn't realized it had stopped shining.
his love is so beautiful. because i'd known him for so long before anything happened between us, i knew how alone he'd been. i knew that relationships would start and stop and never work out for him. mostly because they couldn't understand his ways...couldn't accept his inner struggles and how they drove him. so...i knew that he never let himself love any of them. he never let his heart go. the fact that i'd somehow been gifted with those rare bits of him, was huge to me. but it's also always felt like a huge responsibility. don't get me wrong...when people love each other, they are supposed to feel a responsibility to care for that love and keep it well. but with cam...it was like his heart was so fragile, and it meant everything to me to not hurt it. i never want to be someone who disappoints him and makes him sorry that he loved me. it's not about walking on eggshells. it's about truly treasuring what a person gives you of himself because you see it for the gift that it is.
so...when he returns from his silences...i am there. i have been waiting to be able to love him again. it's not just about waiting for him to come and love me again. i want to fill him up...make him feel like he's as beautiful as he truly is. because he IS beautiful. once he let down all his walls and came to trust me, because i accepted him for all that he was, his love has been like something bursting forth from a newly opened damn. when he loves you...you don't have an ounce of doubt about his feelings.
he's told me on many, many occasions that the way i love him, is what allows him to love me back. he's grateful for how i love him, and he's grateful for being able to love without reservation. and for me it's so much the same....the acceptance he gives me has freed me in more ways than i can count. so much so, that i often feel like i'm on the top of a big hill, under a blue sky, spinning round and round with my head back and my arms open wide. freedom. abandon. joy. when he's in good places mentally and emotionally, we are absolutely perfect together and it continues to blow me away that something like we have even exists. which is what makes some of the issues that stand in our way of forever so hard to think of.
when you love someone like i love him, you want to be able to give them everything their heart desires. but it's impossible for me to do that. see...i've raised my children, and he's yet to have his. (i am not as old as it may seem, and he is not as young as he may seem...but there are 19 years between us). when we first began our journey, we knew that at some point, he'd need to move on to focus on finding the person of his dreams, who would give him these sweet little cam babies. we knew it from the very start. and we've never denied it. with everything we'd become to each other, we still never made any promises to each other, because that door needed to always remain open to him. if someone came along and interested him...he needed to be free to explore it. but it's not happened. there have been times i'd bring it up and i've asked him if he's still keeping those avenues open, because i don't want to be in the way of that. i don't want to be someone who takes his dreams away. i just want to love him, until his dreams are born. up until 10 months ago, he sitll insisted that he wasn't ready for all that yet. and so...we continue on with what we are.
and then, we had our biggest and most painful separation. this past january, things on both our sides got rough...for lack of a better word. in the hell we were both experiencing separately, we ended up ripped apart. i mean...RIPPED APART. it felt like we were trying to cling to each other and other forces were tearing us away from each other. we had no choice....but to end things. it wasn't the way we'd expected. we knew all our issues...we knew of the multiple things that would be responsible for our ending eventually. but this...was none of those things. and we weren't prepared to go down in the way that we did.
but he was gone. gone, gone, gone. and i was living in a hell of emotional being that i'd never been in.
BACK IN THE PRESENT....
it's almost telling that i'm writing about that break up today, when i'm contemplating another one. a final one. i'm so mixed up and so torn, and i haven't even written yet about the hell i was in for the four months we were apart, without a single word between us. without seeing his face or hearing his voice, or feeling his touch. i will have to try to convey the deadness i felt and the life i was trying to survive in my next entry. just building up to losing him then...has drained me today. but then there is more for today.
day ten of his silence. and this morning when i logged onto our journal, he was there. he is coming back.
i haven't answered him. i dont' know what to say. he doesn't know i've been trying to get strong enough to leave him.
i have to be so careful with this particular reunion between us. if in fact, i'm able to part from him...i need him to be strong first. which means that he needs a little more time before i tell him. which also means that in that time....i can't get pulled back in. but how am i gonna do that??!! he is reaching for me again. and everything in me wants to provide all that i always have for him. the thought of hurting him, is excrutiating for "me"....but to know that he'll feel pain that "I" caused him...is unbearable.
i have to answer him soon, and i've not a clue how to, for the first time.