cam's dark places
the understanding between cam and i, was, from the start, that we would love each other for as long as we could. we have always been aware that there is an expiration date on what we can share. it’s just that it’s unclear “when” that is. we we may not know WHEN....but we know that it will come. we will be done. and so, we’ve always just agreed to make every memory that we can, to store away for the day when there can’t be any more memories made. we are so heartfelt about the importance of “enjoying” the time we have, and not letting it be tainted by the other things in our lives. we came to each other as an oasis from those things, and we need to remain that oasis from those things.
a different kind of heart is needed if you are choosing to love someone who sufferes from depression.
the first time he pulled away from me and went into one of his “dark places”, i was so unprepared, that i felt like i was going crazy. when you are so close to someone, and things are so perfect, and nothing bad has happened between you…it’s hard to fathom why one or the other would suddenly pull away. when cam pulls away…he goes silent. it’s absolutely heart wrenching. and his reasons are always different, but also always along the same type of lines.
i’ve mentioned that our personal lives are full of difficulties. with those comes alot of stress, at different times, and at different levels. we know EVERY…SINGLE....ASPECT, of each others lives. we know what the stressors are. it is these things we escape from, yet still share in many ways. but the way we react to the hard spots…is very different.
when one of MY “issues” becomes stressful, i escape to cam more often. i need him more. he’s my light in the dark. he makes it easier for me to get thru the hard stuff. and he is always there..making things better.
but when one of cams issues becomes stressful…he closes up. he doesn’t lean on me. i hate to say it the way that i’m going to say it, because it doesn’t sound good for “me”, but…it’s as if he isn’t capable of dealing with the hard things, and loving me too…at the same time. the hard things get the best of cam, and he closes up…backs away, becomes silent. he can only deal with the matter at hand, and isn’t capable of extending himself outside of that, because he feels he needs “focus” to deal with whatever it is. he claims that he cannot focus with me on his mind, so he pushes me out and away. i become dispensable.
that first time, i was so confused. i wanted to help, but he’d say it’s not about me. i wanted to be there to support him, but he said he couldn’t be here with me while dealing with his issues because he wouldn’t be good for me. stress would turn him into someone else entirely. cam is not a cruel person, by any means. but he is brutally honest, and sometimes his honesty is hard to take. when he tells you that something isn’t about you, he means it literally, not in an offensive hurtful way, and he hates that i take it personally and let it hurt me. but its not easy to be pushed away from someone you are so close to. and no matter what i did to try to stay “connected”…he still pushed me away. my attempts stressed him further, because he knew he was hurting me and he couldn’t deal with that too. in the end, i felt like we were over and i grieved.
but it’s never been over. it’s happened over and over. i’ve just had to learn him. he never says he’s leaving. he never says it’s over. he always loves me. he just says he needs some time and he goes quiet to deal with certain things. and i’ve come to see it as a way of his protecting me from “him”. he tells me he wouldn’t be good for me in these times, so he stays away from me. in his beautiful heart…he goes away, in part.....because he loves me and doesn’t want me to see him at his worst. and no matter how i have tried to convince him that i want to see him in every way there is, and i will still love him…he doesn’t let me. he goes quiet. but in those quiet places, i am a kind of alone that eats at me with all kinds of questioning and self doubt and beyond crippling insecurities. i wonder…”if he loves me like he says and like he makes me feel…then how can he go thru these spells without me?” and the fact that he can stay away from me hurts like hell. and the fact that he knows i’m hurting, but he won’t reach out to soothe me in any way, kills me. his pain emcompasses all of him…and there is no room for me or anything i have to offer to ease his pain. when he goes quiet.....he goes SILENT. it hurts so much that i can’t help him.
because i acquaint so much of my relationship with cam as addiction, it’s fair to say that his silences are for me, like being locked in a room alone, without my fix, and all i know is the pain of missing him. but his pain is there too…tangled up with everything that hurts. i feel his pain too.
the first few times he did this, like i said, i thought for sure that we were over. and then…he’d come back, and apologize for hurting me and tell me how much he loves me and needs me. he was genuinely sorry for the pain he’d caused me, and it would be like we were never apart.
except a fear had been born, and it was wrapped around all the other intense feelings regarding him. i never stop being afraid that he’s going away again. i’m always waiting for it to happen again. and it has happened again. and it will continue to happen.
but in his arms, it will all be erased. and things will be as they’d been before. every time.
IN THE PRESENT…
i understand it more now, than i used to. he’s done this several times now, in our years together. he’s doing it again, right now. but no matter how much i’ve come to understand his process, the pain for me....is always the same. why am i not a worthy comfort for him?
i’ve come to dread any stress that may rise for him, because for me it means he’s leaving for a while. no matter how many times i tell myself that it’s his way and he’ll be back, the pain is something that wrecks me. and a huge part of me wants to stop putting myself thru it, because i barely survive each time. but his fear that i will leave him for this is genuine too. he needs to know that i will be there when he gets thru each dark place. he tells me that knowing i’m going to be there, helps get him thru. so…how can i let him down? how can i give up on him like everyone else has? how can i let my love be conditional?
we have so many other issues that are going to be the end of us. how can i let his pain be the thing that ends us? how can i dessert him, just because his pain hurts me?
and i worry what would happen to him if i did.
what am i supposed to do? (mind you...this isn't a question i expect answsers for here. it is a rhetorical question i ask myself because i am struggling).
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