the sex of it all
i know it sounds worse than sappy to say that what we've had has been a glorious type of perfection beyond anything i could have imagined if i'd tried. but it really has been.
i had lived my life trying to "fit the bill" of the men in my life. i'd bent and curled myself into whatever it seemed they wanted, and still, it was never enough, and i never knew who i really was either. but with cam, everything was so "in tune". i didn't have to be anything other than what i was, and i swear, even tho it sounds really weird, that he showed me who i was, by letting me BE who i was. he brought out everything natural and real, and let me be it. he gave me "me", and then he loved me for all that i was. when you are my age, and up to this point, have never been accepted for all that you are, there is no mistaking the gift that is. my soul was begging to be authentic, and his beautiful self coaxed it out to play and live with joy.
for a few months, we didn't talk about our impossible situation. we literally just basked in what had grown and was continuing to grow between us. to say that we "fell into each other", isn't enough to describe what happened during that time. but thats how it felt to me. it was like one of those scenes you see in a ghost type movie where one person fades into another and they are one. our sex was so insanely good, that i constantly marveled at my own endurance, let alone his! sometimes it felt like we couldn't get enough, but i've heard that said by other people before and it doesn't convey what i mean. to always want more, to never get close enough no matter how tightly you are wrapped, to never want to stop, to keep reaching for more and more of what is so good. i'd never had the kind of sex that expressed things so deeply that words that couldn't convey them. in fact, i'd never had the kind of sex that was expression at all.
sex for me had always just been an act. something you go thru the motions for, for one reason or another, but mostly because it was a duty, or a way of getting something else i wanted. i'd grown very used to the term and belief that "sex is not the most important thing in a relationship". i've heard sooooo many people say it, and i lived it in my own situations, more than once. but i no longer believe it and i never will again. i know now that the people who say that, only say it because their sex life just isn't good. there is something lacking that doesn't make it what it should be. unless there are medical reasons, if a couple doesn't enjoy good sex together on a regular basis, they are just room mates. i told myself it wasn't the most important thing, because it wasn't good. but it IS and SHOULD be the most important thing in a relationship for all of it's bonding qualities. it's sad when it's lacking...and for me, it had ALWAYS been lacking.
the expression in sex is amazingly profound and beautiful. with cam we always alternate between all out fucking and making love, and there are definite differences, even if love is involved in both. there are times after the crash of an orgasm, that i cry or bust out laughing with total joy at just the sheer beauty of everything that we just did together. and there are times crying or laughing will start sex for us. my point is that sex is a huge part of what we feel and how we express what we feel. sometimes words can't convey profound feelings, but you can lay spent after sex, and just "know" everything that you can't find words for.
and the joy of an orgasm itself...holy cow! i shiver to think of not ever having known cam, and never being able to experience the almighty "O". how does anyone live without something so wonderfully earth shattering? to feel that rise, that still makes me instinctively try to escape it and run toward it at the same time. getting closer and closer...especially if the sex is slow and sweet, so the build up is like a beautiful pain. and that edge....that very few seconds just before you cum...just before everything explodes, when you know there is no turning back...no stopping what you are about to feel; it's so powerful. and then first it explodes inside you with blinding light. it literally feels like you've exploded and the sheerest pleasure has been released to pulse thru your body...and it continues pulsing with the sweetest, most intense sensitivity. it's like your heart pushing pleasure thru your limbs in that pulsing fashion that blood pumps thru your body. boom....boom...boom...each "boom" is another pulse or tremor of pleasure.
how did i live so long without experiencing the beauty of that? it's not just physical...it's everything. and for me...it was all about him. it was only "HE" to ever give me this...only "HE" have i ever let myself go enough with to experience it. HIS pleasure alone could bring me near orgasm. the way his breathing changed, and the way his eyes changed as he got close to his own orgasm. i can see and feel his own rise, and it pulls my body right along with his, into another orgasm. to feel so CONNECTED to another person that their own pleasure intensifies your own. it makes me sad that i went so long not knowing this kind of bonding, but i'm so grateful that now i do, even if i had to wait so long. i'd wait again, if i knew it would bring me cam and all that's come with him.
i love that sex can be completely wordless, and i love that it can be full of words. the phrase "fuck me", was always something i felt a little offended by. the fact that i couldn't say it to anyone made me feel like a prude, and i suppose i was, to some degree? but it comes out of me so easily with cam. it comes out, and i mean it. i want him hard and fast and hot...unrelenting. and even tho it sounds vulgar, it also feels like love. i suppose that doesn't make sense, or maybe everyone doesn't experience it the same way. i love the openess and excitement of it all with cam...in front of mirrors, positions i didn't know existed, outside in parks, public restrooms, under restaurant table cloths...etc.
these were all desires we both had inside us, that others haven't previously let us live out. he is wild and free and beautiful...but his relationships didn't appreciate his kind of wild and free and beautiful. i was unknowing and held back and held in, and had never been truly pleased. i had no idea what i wanted or liked...until he showed me. and together we soared, sexually. "no" has never been a word in our sexual romps. we never say no...we live out everything we desire, trying everything from the menu and savoring it. do you know how FREEING that is? do you know how COMPLETE YOU FEEL?
no matter how sappy this may sound, i was an instrument that laid untouched, until he picked me up and played me, showing me how capable i was of making beautiful music. he brought me to life...in all ways. in every...single...way. how i wish there was way to be his instrument of desire forever.
i've always used the word "raw" to describe his sexuality. it's raw and hungry and delicious. to witness his hunger, is intoxicating. he moves me so deeply. it's addicting in it's own right. and when you put his love behind his hunger? i don't question my addiction or need of him. i understand it fully. i know where i came from and what i was missing.
which is why breaking myself of him is so hard.
HERE IN THE PRESENT...
when you have been brought to life in ways you didn't know you could be...and that source of power to your life will no longer be there...you die a slow death. that's what i'm feeling. i will never experience anything like him and "us" again. i don't even want to. not only do i not want to be who i've been with him, with anyone else; it isn't possible anyway. i know this for sure. no one will ever touch me again. not because there won't be opportunities, but because i won't let anyone. you don't experience something like this, and then let anything less than, erase it. and anything else WOULD be less than.
i am struggling beyond words with this process. maybe it's because in going backward, i've only told of the sweet moments and haven't yet gotten to the hard things and the pain he can cause me when his dark places make my places dark. the aloneness he makes me feel, after being so loved. the back and forth of him. his power to waggle a beautiful finger at me when he comes from his darkness, and i'm instantly his again.
even if i succeed in breaking this addiction to him, i will always be his.
i am trying to tell myself that i have all these beautiful memories and i should just hang onto them and be grateful. but letting him go feels like severing a life line. today is day 9, but because i know how he works, i feel him near again. he will be reaching out soon. i don't feel strong enough to be done. i had hoped these days of quiet would give me the time to build up strength. but i just feel like i need more of him. like it's not time yet. i know it's total weakness. but who am i kidding? this journal is supposed to be my honest place. so i may as well admit, that i am probably not done with him yet. but if i wait, until we have no choice, it's just gonna hurt even more. and even knowing that...i still feel like any pain will be worth every moment i can have while i can have it. taking him away from me when i'm not yet forced, seems rediculous in some ways.
he hurts me so much with his pushing away. but when he pulls me back to him, it's always so beautiful.
i honestly don't know where i'm at, and i know that's not a good thing. but keeping honest is important to me, and this confusion is honest.