miss mess

midlife implosions
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2019-10-02 19:20:17 (UTC)

the rest of... being turned inside out


in the aftermath of our sex and our confessions of love, we lay wrapped around each other, panting....stroking each other...absorbed in a new connection that felt like it was bigger than we were. there is no way that i could ever lie and say that i didn't feel deep joy over the fact that he loved me. knowing him...and knowing that he doesn't give himself away; his love felt like a treasure. he was half on top of me, and his face was buried in my neck. i could feel his breath. i could feel his heart beating. my fingers were in his hair, and my lips were on his forehead. we didn't say anything. we just lay breathing and touching.

but my mind was racing. underneath the joy was the awful fact of the matter. what we were creating between us, could go no where. that meant that now, any kind of parting would be painful. and i felt scared. but i didn't voice that. i couldn't voice that. i was afraid to voice anything, lest it break the fragile place we had landed in. and it felt, very, very fragile.

then, into my neck, he whispered "camilla". and something in me came undone. i felt tears, hot and heavy, in my eyes. i've always had an immediate, undefinable reaction to him saying my name. for more years than i'd like to count, i've heard my name come from so many people, for so many reasons. but when cam says it...it pulls on something deep inside me. and in that moment, it was no different, but there was something else deep inside me too. fear.

we'd known we couldn't become anything. we'd agreed to take what we could get before we had to go separate ways. we'd agreed to provide an oasis for each other while we could and enjoy it as much as possible, all the while knowing it would come to an end. it had seemed so simple. it would not feel good to let him go, but i knew it would happen, and i'd go back to focusing on what i needed to, with all these sweet memories to take with me. but...with LOVE in the mix...it changed everything. now our parting wouldn't just be about coming to the end of what we'd agreed to do and going back to our lives. now it meant, we wouldn't just be "letting" each other go....we'd be LOSING each other.

we'd kept saying that we knew we could never be anything. we said it ALOT to each other, as if to remind each other ALL THE TIME that this was all about sex and freedom and enjoyment and nothing else. as long as i loved him and he didn't know it, the rules could still be stuck to because he'd never have to know that i broke them. but in the instant that it was confessed to each other...we were no longer something that could be ended so easily. we couldn't continue to say that we could be "nothing". because love made us "something". an entity had come to life.

i didn't answer when he said my name because i couldn't speak. i felt the tears slide down my face, and he didn't move his body at all, but his hand came up from my hip to the side of my face and his thumb moved back and forth in the salty tears for a few seconds, before he said, "i know babe".

neither of us could face what it meant for us, because the impossibilities were always right in our faces. we just couldn't face it yet...so when he moved over me again and his lips touched mine as his thigh pushed my legs apart, i just let myself go to the place that we go so well together. it was the first time there was tenderness in our joining. it was the first time we were slow. he moved inside me while my legs were wrapped around him and i clung to his back, keeping him tight against my chest and belly. we just simply "moved" together, until we both came. and then we stayed like that for the longest time. how does love hurt and feel joyful all at once?

finally he lifted his head and looked into my eyes and said, "it's gonna be okay...we are gonna figure this out". but there wasn't anything to figure out. our love for each other didn't change a single other thing. so....we talked. our choices were only two. 1) we could part ways right then and there and not make this any harder than it had to be. or 2) we could continue on and enjoy each other for as long as we possibly could, knowing we'd hurt like hell in the end, but believing the pain would be worth experiencing each other for whatever time we had.

of course, we chose the 2nd option. even that early in, we couldn't bear to part.

but i still knew that even tho he was everything i'd ever want and he'd fulfill every dream i'd ever had or would ever have....i couldn't be or do the same for him. and that was torture.

i took this beautiful ride with him, because i couldn't bear not to. i knew i wanted to make every memory i could....before i couldn't. and he wanted the same...so together we stepped into our love.


this has been the hardest day so far. two days ago, in a weak moment, i reached out to him in a message. i simply said, "just so you know...i'm still here. loving you." writing that day, about falling in love, really pulled on my heart strings. in the end, i had a drink...or a few. and at that point, my strength was gone. and i reached out to him.

the good thing (or is it a bad thing? cause i'm really struggling today with all this) is that he never saw the message. i was able to erase it the next morning. we don't message like most people...(well, sometimes we use the regular messenger). but mostly, we write in our journal. we have a journal, much like this one, that we've shared for years. it's been our place to be together, even when we can't be together. in our separate lives, we are still able to get online and go into "our place" and find eacher. we've always been able to leave and find words of love from one another. so, the next morning when i went to our place and saw that he hadn't been there, i erased my weak moment.

but it's 8 days today, and every part of me hurts with missing him.

it's almost funny that in the beginning of this journal, i compared my love/addiction to cam, to other kinds of addiction where detox is neccessary. sarcastic funny, of course. because it's not funny at all. giving him up doesn't feel like it fits anything that i truly feel. right now, it isn't making any sense to me and i'm questioning myself. its so easy to let the pain i'm feeling, tell me that it means that i need him. the pain is telling me that i need him.