somebody,somewhere

My life and my downfalls,
2019-10-02 19:42:57 (UTC)

No.2:secrets

God, I feel like every angsty teen writing this diary. Its refreshing though, to let my thoughts just spill out in a mess. I think having a public page is better than private. It makes me feel like I’ve really shared my thoughts rather than keeping them locked up. I think the best course of action right now is to lay out some secrets I’ve been keeping locked up that feels like agony to keep to myself, so here goes:
I’m a bisexual Guy, and very few know (like 2 ex). My ex was my first kiss, he was a bit of a dick to his parents and was pretty immature (but I still know him as one of the most mature people I know) and I’m still not sure whether I have feelings for him still because we share so, so so so so many common interests that I haven’t found in anybody else. He also messaged me a couple months back asking if i wanted to do some stuff strictly sexual (bj, etc) and I agreed, but he chickened at the last minute. He said it was all too much. I’m okay with that.

2. I am very much in the process of gaining an eating disorder. I’m overweight,my BMI is nice and healthy but I look fat and it’s the worst. I love the feeling of not eating, the feeling of rewardedness I get when I miss a lunch.i haven’t ate breakfast in like 3 weeks and Iove it. And truly I think it’s a combination of self-hate and need for attention. I feel like screaming for someone, I just need the touch of a friend or a partner, of somebody who I know cares that I could talk to. Someone that really cares and isn’t talking fake therapist style bullshit because it makes them feel like better people.i don’t hate them for that, I am guilty of it, it just pisses me off. I am actually beginning to lose weight too and it’s the greatest feeling
. Truly I don’t know what I want

3:my mental health is mega fucked. I don’t sleep, I feel like crying whenever I don’t have the distractions of doing things. The only times I don’t feel depressed is when I’m doing dumb shit with friends or playing music. That’s why I play so many video games and listen to music so much. Anything that pushes back thoughts.thats why I stay up watching netflix instead of sleeping, the silence between awake and asleep is the perfect time for thought and my only thoughts concern anxiety or regrets or my current state. I’ve also started to stink lately which is really fucking me up, i shower daily in the mornings and apply deodorant and it’s fucking winter but by the time I’m 3 hours into school my armpits stink? What the fuck?

I think that’s enough . I have a lot of other thoughts for other days




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