Nala Toph

Written Thoughts
2019-10-01 17:49:05 (UTC)

Time To be Honest

I’m a very honest person, sometimes overly honest. Telling the truth even though nobody asked, or perhaps even when nobody wanted to know. But I still hide behind lies, false identities. Story making that I begin to believe. I’ve been really happy this week and especially these last couple of days because I’ve been closing off the story telling. My boyfriend and I have been talking for the longest time on when I would say this in my diary. This might be something that will cause some of you to walk away from me for ever. If you hate me I won’t blame you. Before I say what it is i want to say this, I often feel like i must act slutty. As a girl i feel like men expect me to act like what I’m good for (and to be honest I don’t mind some of it). But acting like a horny slut everyday, I believe, is part of the reason why i get depressed. I am my own shackles for an act of attention. Even in my dairy i am in a fictional character that replicates me. So about what i was wanting to say... I’m no girl. So anytime you may have thought of me being slutty, go ahead and reverse the roles. I never sucked a dick. Not once. But my first boyfriend has sucked a dick, my dick. How much does this disturb you? I know i role played with a lot of you, so are you bothered with the fact it was with a boy? I’m keeping Nala, I’ll probably be going back to discord on my Nala account sometime. I can’t delete her, Nala is still me. Deleting her will delete me. I just don’t want to be hiding behind stories and alternate accounts/personalities. I’m not mental, i just love story telling. I mean I even wrote an entire book during school time last year (although i lost it and it really unfortunate because i was wanting to publish it. It was about a military soldier named “Volt” I’m get off track...). I’ve been taking my dog on walks lately and I think that has also been improving my mood. So anyway, why? Why do I identify as a girl online? Well I often wish i was a girl. I hear that they have it “so hard,” and I think that is so ridiculous. Honestly, you are human, you have human problems. It’s not because you are a female, it’s because you are human and you aren’t rich. You wouldn’t be complaining if you were some rich politician would you? We have plenty of females in the government but none of them are interested in making this “equality” happen. It’s not male vs female, it’s rich vs poor. Because everything comes down to the coin. You don’t like it? Start a revolution. Just stop complaining to little boys who can’t do anything and telling them to kill themself. And don’t tell me “feminist don’t do that” because i can tell you right now that i left Instagram only because I’m tired of hearing feminists threaten me every single fucking day (honestly Instagram has the worst community for everything). I’m only 16, all I want is to be loved. Mom and dad are here but it never feels like enough. I need a significant other. And i talk to many girls, and i learned that there are two types of women, nazi feminists and lesbians. In the pure desperation for love I started dating guys. I know that I already thought some men are rather handsome and attractive but I always pushed it off as “well some girls call others cute so it’s really nothing” and it probably isn’t really anything... but I remember one time I rode off to the park at night and i told my oldest brother “I’m pansexual” and he replied with “me too.” I also told my closes friend that i like guys and he went “cute!” And that’s the story on when I dated Tristan. We don’t date anymore but we’re still tight friends (in fact we’re started a band together, I’m a bass player and he’s a singer). Tristan broke up with me a couple weeks after 10 grade started because it’s hard to be there for him when I don’t have a phone and school is getting in the way. That was all at Greenway (it’s a school that could get shot up for all i care), we both go to Washington and my god, i never knew learning really depended on the teacher so much. Getting off track again. So yes i do believe it would be easier for me to be a female. Please notice I’m very specific with my wording, it would be easier FOR ME to be a FEMALE. I never said that females have it easy okay? They still have human problems. So what would me being a female even solve? Well if you haven’t been paying attention or forgot because of my of track comments (I wouldn’t blame you) it’s love. I don’t care if I barely make it through this world, i just want someone to snuggle up with. Males i can beat up, but if a female puts my feelings down I can’t hurt her? That’s certainly not equality but... I never really asked for equality now have I? No, in fact I remember i said a lot of times I wouldn’t mind living a house wife life style. But you know what? That’s me. Not every female wants that. Like I said, it would be easier for ME to be a female. So why not transition or be transgender? Because, it’s not the same. Ask any trans, they genuinely believe they are the opposite sex. I only wish i was female. And I know every trans knows what I’m talking about. It’s not as simple as “I’m female now, deal with it.” Plus if i get one step closer to being female what will stop me from wanting another? I will only see my flaws and I’d probably end up killing myself because I’m never truly 100% all female. I’d only be a replica. I know Ive said “I’m depressed from my flat chest” and honestly that’s not too for from the truth. Because if I really did have D cups then that would mean I’d be female. But at the end of the day, I’m a man, a boy, a teenage male, and I’m not going to let that ruin me. I’m in fire science, I’m working out, I’m losing fat and replacing it with muscle. I’m aiming for Coast Guard but I’ll settle for fire fighting. I could also be a fire fighter in the coast guard.

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