marielmia

Mariel is MIA
2019-10-01 15:17:08 (UTC)

Of sluts and submissives.

i have little energy right now. It is Tuesday, almost 5 days since i asked to be totally remade. M and i spoke at length and we understood each other. i trust him implicitly. He hurt me that once, but he has more than atoned in my mind. i love him.

M knows pain. He understood how to use it for me. It's amazing how just increasing levels of physical pain can increase mindfulness. Nothing matters except the pain. Everything else leaves one's consciousness. And when it stops, there is a refocusing of thought. A clarity. The beginnings of an open mind, to consider all that is ion front of me.

An open mind though, is not yet the fertile ground, for the mind too needs it's own reset. We have been here before. He knows what i need and delivered it with compassion and consideration. Pride can be hurtful and had to be rebuilt. Humiliation is the antidote. i took his outstretched hand as he guided me to ground zero. The tears were real but necessary. It was only then, that the rebuild would occur.

He stripped away things that held me back. He allowed me to be one with nature, controlling myself to accept its call. It had been a while since i felt so in control of myself. Fear was banished. Roles understood, if only to be acted upon for a short span of time in the plan he devised. It is only when one achieves full control of herself that she can make good on her choices.

And yes, there was a price, but it was an acceptable one. More than acceptable. There were all new perceptions- the smell of freshly oiled leather. The tightness of the straps that held my neck and torso to the antique exam table. The cool air, kissing my exposed parts. The delightful sensation of parts being stretched, melding into the distress of approaching a limit, struggling futilely against expert restraint.

i feel very different today. Yes, i miss this man dearly. There is that sadness. But there is no depression this time. i have achieved some goals. Banished some fears. i am more secure in the knowledge that i better understand what i want and perhaps need. i feel no need to be ashamed of my wants. Even the taboo is human. i can better accept this. Shame does not always have to be an automatic response. i learned that this weekend.

This was a step. i hope to sustain the momentum. i want to never have to fear the yoke of the slut again. While the actions of a submissive woman maybe the same as the slut's, the woman's is of positive choice, while the slut's submission is one of giving in. Of hopelessness. Of self hatred.

i will not be the slut. Submission is my choice as is who i offer myself to. i am a gift. i am not a prize.

Thank you, M. I love you.




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