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collisions into hard, beautiful truths
i thought this journal would be helpful for me, but i may have to quit writing and close it if i can't "buck up" strength wise. after writing about how he first confessed his love to me, i was caught in a tangle of memories that left me in tears most of the day and caused me to do something stupid. but i "need" to tell our story, both as part of my eventual (hopeful) healing, and also because it doesn't make sense to share the pain i'm in now trying to end things with him, without sharing the intense reasons why. while it's true i'm looking for a place to voice things i've never been able to voice as a way of validation that i've also never had regarding him; i mostly need to convey the rarity of what i have found with him, and the rarity of how it affected us both, and the rarity of the ride we've been on.
today, i'm afraid to go backwards to pick up where i left off with us fresh in confessed, shared love. it made me too weak yesterday. so, i thought i'd try to describe some things about us before we met and how we've changed "together". but i feel like anything about our regular lives, will just take away from the beauty of "us". as i tell our story, i am not ready yet to add in the things we were escaping when we found each other as an oasis.
so maybe i'll just try to talk about him or us as a way of attempting to describe why he's always affected me so.
he is a beautiful control freak, and i guess i can admit that much about myself as well. we live lives that MUST be tended to, and we do what we have to do...always. i knew him long before we ever touched each other or even thought about touching each other. we knew alot about each other already. we both knew the other was living a life where their own needs were not met, let alone even considered. in ways, we even respected each other for doing what we had to do, because we found the commonality in it. but, when my own life took a complicated turn that left me a vulnerable mess, it opened a door that i had no clue was even inside me to open. and my beautiful cam came thru that open door. and nothing has ever been the same since.
there seemed to be a need of each other that was almost desperate. there was a draw that hadn't been there before, (maybe because we hadn't allowed it?) that suddently became magnetic and unrelenting. our talks were so different, entertaining the idea of being each others oasis in order to escape unbearable other things. imagine two control freaks, talking about having a relationship, almost the same way two people would plan a thanksgiving dinner. we had simply decided to provide something for each other that we both needed, but boundries had to be set. we admitted mutual attractions that we'd never admitted, because our situation didn't call for it...it wouldn't have been allowed. but here we were in this unchartered territory, behind this newly opened door, and it was like suddenly...the rules didn't matter. it made my heart pound like it was going to climb out of my chest because control freaks don't usually bend rules.
when we first got together, i was unprepared for the "unrestrained" cam! i've talked about how i came out of myself and became someone else entirely with him. sexual cam was a completely different person. like me, he abandonded all thought and inhibition, and just gave into what he felt. he was a pleaser unlike anything i'd ever been with, or even dreamed with. i'd long ago given up on the idea of sex being something i'd ever enjoy. but cam literally handed me everything i'd been missing and it was like he was giving me myself. the man can literally fuck for hours without cumming. i know, i know...you've heard that before. me too. i've heard it, i've read it. and you don't have to believe me, but i'm going to continue on with my truth. for hours, the man pleases me in all ways, before he gives into his own pleasure. and he does it because IT PLEASES HIM TO PLEASE ME. it makes him feel powerful...and trust me, he IS powerful. it literally excites him and fulfills him to know that i've been completely pleased and exhausted before he takes his own slice of euphoria.
i was so unprepared for everything he was in that first joining. when he entered the door that had suddenly opened in my life, we became the two people we really are, but that our lives didn't accept. behind our control freak facades lived two people very different then the two people who joined in our beautiful new world. we freed each other, with acceptance of each other, with joy in each other, with the desire to be all that the other needed and was missing.
once you've been freed, it's hard to be caged again.
the first time we were in public together after we'd experienced each other, was intense. as i said, we'd known each other a long time already and there were times we were often together in public among people we knew. but that first time...when we had to be our "controlled selves" again, after losing ourselves to each other, was something hard to convey. there was this "knowing" now. eye contact became almost dangerous, because we could see inside each other in a way that we hadn't previously. there was the desire to be away from the public eye and take what we wanted, and that desire was constant, while we had to behave like it wasn't. the thrill of this was profound, like most things forbidden are, i suppose. there are times, even now today, that i don't know how others don't see it between us, because i'm literally on fire in his presence and it feels like it shows on every inch of me. we hug hello and goodbye, like we always have, but now there is knowledge of our bodies together beyond the hugs. when i see him walk thru a room, i see my naked playground and it gives me an erotic burst for what i know of him that no one else does. i know every inch of his beautiful body, how it feels, how it tastes, how it moves me.
none of the excitement has gone. my draw to him is as strong as it was that first time. stronger, even because i know "us". and because only with him, am i free. only HE knows how to bring me out of myself and not hide my truths. he draws everything out of me; if it's a question, he answers and fulfills it; if it's a desire, he lets me feed upon it. only HE knows everything about me, and still loves me anyway. and only "I" know everything about him, and still love him with everything that i am.
when this is over and he's no longer in my life, my truth will go with him, because i am only who i am, with him. and that scares the shit out of me. but when he hurts me, he hurts me deep. and in that pain, i question my worth, which leads down a rabbit hole that is very, very dangerous. and he hurts me often, with his push and pull. so much so, that i finally feel like i can't do it anymore, even if i can't yet get the strength behind it. i KNOW...that it needs to end. i KNOW that no matter how beautiful we are together, we are also somewhat toxic, because our love stunts his growth. i KNOW that we have no future, and this was always supposed to be temporary. we weren't supposed to love each other, and that complicates everything. but we do love each other, and i wouldn't have saved myself, even if i'd known how much this would hurt. i would still have experienced everything i have with him. i wouldn't have given up a single moment. he has been a gift, unlike no other, to my heart and soul.
i wish all the time, that our lives could be different. that our ages weren't so far apart that it makes it impossible to fulfill important dreams. i wish i could be everything he still needs to experience in life. but i can't. and i can't hate myself for that, even tho i do. it's hard not to. how can something so beautiful and profound, happen between two people with such impossibilities? love is not enough, and i'm not fool enough to believe that it is, even tho i want to be. i am too old, to be a fool with the facts. and when he tells me that the dreams he had before me, are no longer important, because dreams can change, and now i am his dream....i know deep in my heart, that it's not just how he hurts me with his dark moods and his pushing me away to deal with them. it's also that i can't be the reason he doesn't reach for his dreams. i love him too much to take his chance for TOTAL happiness away. how i'd love to be selfish! but love is not selfish, and it actually hurts me to think of him missing things he says he is willing to give up for me.
we collided in life in an unexpected way that changed dynamics for both of us in ways that are forever. but while it changed everything, it also changes nothing. the impossibilities still remain. and always will. we need to part. it has nothing to do with love...and everything to do with love.