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being turned inside out
sometimes one addiction can be traded for another. i'm worried about that today, as i crave a drink or to sleep in order to NOT feel everything that hurts.
the first few months of our relationship were about escape, in every sense of the word. when we were together, nothing in either of our lives mattered or existed. living in the moment...living in the second, was all that mattered. the moment we were alone, it was about ripping off clothing, and finding every inch of each others body. if there were words, they were spoken in desire, expressing a want that would only be fulfilled by our bodies being joined and connected somehow. we talked dirty...we talked straight. there was no hiding what we wanted...no shyness, no hesitation. sex with him has always been one of the most honest things i've ever known. to this day.
only after hours of pleasing each other, and being spent to the point of barely being able to move...did we talk. only then, outside of passion, did the world come back to us. and we shared our worlds with each other. not in the way that people do when they are looking to make a life together. no. we didn't have that. we knew there would be no life together. but we also knew that we were good together, and that we accepted things about each other, that no one ever had. we found an unwavering, unconditional acceptance of each other....probably BECAUSE we knew there wouldn't be a life together and we wouldn't have to ever truly accept the things we spoke of...if that makes any sense? none of our unacceptable ways, were ever going to be a part of whatever we were.
and what we were was...unadulterated, undefined, unlimited, hungry, EXPRESSION. "we" were everything that was held back in our normal lives. i guess it's easy to see how i became addicted to him physically. just a thought of him, or a flash of a moment we'd spent together, and i'd be turned on. he could say something to me in a simple messenger conversation and i'd be erotically charged for hours. it was like his thoughts and desires were literally attached to my body. if he thought or imagined something...my body felt it and wanted it.
we were a few months in, when i knew i was breaking the rules we'd set in the beginning. i'd tried to talk myself out of what i thought i was feeling. i'd tried convincing myself that it was all physical and i was just drawn in by how he made my body feel. i knew i was lying to myself, but i wouldn't admit it, because our rules had been crystal clear: "NOTHING BEYOND PHYSICAL. NO EMOTIONS".
but i'd begun missing "him" between encounters...not just the sex. i'd begun to really look forward to the laying naked together afterwards and talking. all that he'd shared about himself, had worked it's way inside me...to my heart. when i first felt myself wanting to be the person that accepted everything about him that no one else ever had, i knew i was in trouble. i knew it then. i did. but i kept it to myself, cause i wasn't going to risk letting him know i'd broken our biggest rule....and him ending things because of it. i couldn't lose him. and fear i felt over that, told me the rest of the truth. i love him.
for a while, this was fine...we met, we fucked, we talked, we went our separate ways...just like we were supposed to. and then...during one encounter, i did something really stupid. i didn't know i was doing it at first, until he said, right after i'd had an orgasm..."are you okay? why are you crying?" i realized then, that what was happening with my body, had now become connected to my heart. what the hell? the orgasms had become something more than physical?...it was confusing as hell to feel the rush of love with the physical release. i didn't know i could come anymore UNdone. he was still inside me, and i pulled him to me and told him nothing was wrong...i was fine. i told him to "just fuck me"....and he did. i thought the moment had passed, when i was once again, rising to that precious fragile edge of another orgasm, and he rose above me, pressed deep inside me, and said, "what are you not saying camilla?" his eye contact was direct and it was so damn erotic, because we were both on that edge at the same time, so i could see how "on edge" he was himself. i could see his passion in his eyes as told me "i'm not gonna let you cum again, until you tell me what you are holding back".
what a mix of feelings! first, physically, i was RIGHT THERE...i wanted to cum. second, there was fear...i couldn't tell him or i'd lose him. and third, (and some mite think this is rediculous) but the way he was controlling both our orgasms in that moment, was such a fucking turn on. i wanted to cry because of all three things! it felt like i was being turned inside out, and in a second i'd be laid completely bare for him.
i told him, "you don't want to know", and i tried to move my body to get him to let us finish...to take me over that damn edge. but he held my hips and he moved just enough to keep me on the edge and NOT let me crash over it. i felt tears again, even tho i couldn't really truly explain them in that moment...there was too much happening inside me. but he saw them. he pulled out almost all the way and said forcefully, "tell me!" at the same time as he slammed back into me. so i said it. or rather, i cried it. "i love you cam....i'm sorry, but i love you." neither of us was moving at all, but he brought his face to mine and held the sides of my face in his hands, our eyes still locked together, and whispered, "it's okay...i love you too". he pressed his lips to mine and with one final thrust, we finally crashed over that sweet edge together, crying out into each others mouths, clinging to each other as sweet electric volts went thru us together. i felt my own fireworks pulsing thru me, i felt his heat filling me, i felt the joy of his omission flood thru me. i wasn't just "feeling" emotion..i felt like i WAS emotion. it was SO much. it was too much. it was beautiful. being inside out...bared for him...was beautiful. and more frightening than i can convey.
it was one of the most intense moments of my life.
BEING THE PRESENT RIGHT NOW....
it's been six days today without contact. it's not the lack of contact that hurts me. we've done this before. i'm sadly used to this. in fact...for the first time ever, i'm fearing contact. i need more time to get stronger before there is communication. all he will have to say is that he's sorry, he loves me, and he wants me...and i will be his again. that's how it happens. and i never realize until he says it all, that i was waiting for it the whole time. i'm always waiting to be his again. just waiting.
usually when he stays away due to one of his dark moods, i feel tortured by the distance. and i won't completely lie now either...it IS torture. but this time is different...this time, i need THE TIME. everything hurts so much. all i want to do is go out for a drink or sleep, because only with those two things, does it all fade away for a bit. i can't get a grip on how much it hurts. how can i stop it, if i can't get a grip on it. the pain is bigger and stronger than i am. and i know my time is getting shorter, because i know his pattern.
i hate myself so much, for this being so hard.