Great day sad ending
I drove to Fay's place last Saturday. It should've taken 1 1/2 hr to get there but due to an accident, it took 3 hrs. Finally got there and had 2 dozen roses for Fay. Red of course as we both love red. We hung out at her apt for a short bit. Her apt was immaculate. Everything was in order and she is very clean. I could smell the typical food of her culture though. Later we drove out to Fairfax. She liked my truck color. Red again. Told her that she was the first passenger in my truck and thanked her for breaking in the passenger seat. She giggled with my silly comments. When we got there, Fay was hungry and she suggested a little Mexican restaurant so we had lunch there. It was a little place with maybe 2 tables. Luckily, one opened up when our meals were ready so we ate there instead of eating at that park. The original plan was to walk across the street where there was a little park but it was chilly so she wouldn't have liked it. She's very sensitive to extreme heat or cold (so I learned during our convo).
Later, we walked around the little shops window shopping. I saw some earrings and asked if she wanted them. She said it was 80 dollars and playfully, she said "you know what I can buy for $80?" so we moved on to another shop. We chatted so much along the way. We had so much to say and she laughed and giggled so much with our conversation. There was a shop that had crystals and that was a cool place. I looked around for heart shaped crystals in red but there weren't any.
We kept walking around and just felt so good to be out and about again with a woman side by side. Nothing perverted. Just walking and enjoying the simple things in life. I couldn't help it and just felt compelled to hold her hand as we walked. I know it was our first date and a little risky but she responded with intertwining her fingers with mine and held on. It was getting chilly so that may have helped. The weather Gods must've helped me out.
There was a little plant shop we walked by and some plants were out up front of the shop. As we walked passed the shop, I saw a couple of cactuses for sale priced at $60. So jokingly I asked her "You want me to buy you a cactus? It's cheaper than the $80 earrings? " Again, she giggled and laughed. It was like this all day and I held her hand throughout. I was on cloud 9.
It got even colder later. We decided to check out this coffee shop. She indicated she was in this town before reading a book while having some coffee. We order and I got us a table. She said that the table I picked was the exact same one that she was on when she came to read her book once. When we finished our drinks, we went walking around again but it got really cold and the shops were starting to close anyway so we headed back to my truck. On the way home, I held her hand once again.
Got back to her place and she only has Netflix. We started watching Black Mirror since she and I follow different series and didn't want to spoil it watching deep into the season of a series. Some of it was rated R with woman on woman R rated scenes and she fast forwarded it. Made me smile. She is really the type of woman you bring home to Mom. She does not watch any sexual type of content on tv. She once told me she is old fashioned and she actually was. Incredible that there is such a thing still. She is from Iran so it's their culture I guess. It only made me like her more. We didn't even focus much on the shows. We just talked all night long and learned so much about each other.
Some of this was serious things about her past. Ex husband stuff. Her education. Her Parents, Brother, Sister, and Niece. The culture in Iran and how life for her really changes once divorced. She explained she has a target on her back. Wives hated her because she is now available and it's ok for husbands to fool around in that society so women hated her. That's when she decided or was forced to live in the U.S. I was blown away with how life is in that Country.
I asked what this little door was downstairs. It was the shape of 1/2 a door. She said that's where she stored her artwork so she showed me some of her artwork. I am not a right brained type of guy but I was able to see and point out some of her paintings and able to decipher some of them. I was impressed and she felt good that she showed them to me.
We ended the night just sitting on the sofa snuggling and talking. I was getting tired. It was a 3 hr drive to get there. Got there at around 2:30PM. It was now 2:30AM. I could tell she was tired. Her eyes were showing it. I was a little worried. It was a long drive home and we both decided and agreed to let me spend the night. She has a fold out futon downstairs and her bedroom is upstairs. Funny thing that she was concerned about what her neighbors would think. It was a culture thing and it only made me like her more. So cute. Now the bad part. The conversation ended up with discussions about our past. She then asked "How old are you?". We both never asked each other this. We just estimated how we looked by our looks. I told her and she was shocked. I asked how old she was and I was shocked. She looked older than she was and she said I looked younger than I was. So with both our miscues, we are very much apart in years. Things changed drastically after that. I mean, we had prevously discussed what we will be doing this October on weekends as that's the only times we'll see each other due to distance. Now, those little possible events were going dim. This could be a thing that would end it.
Anyway, before going to bed, we hugged. It was long and not a hug where they hug you sideways sorta. It was close. It was long. Vibes were driving my body nuts. It was one of the longest and most heartfelt hugs I can ever recall. I tilted my head back to see if she wanted to let go but she just kept on hugging me long and hard so I held on too. After some time, and I mean something like 5 minutes, we let go. She prepped my futon bed nicely with an extra blanket in case I was still cold with what she prepped. Before she went upstairs, I told her she looked nice. I was lucky enough to have extra gym clothes and I changed into them earlier. She said that I looked good too. Then we said our good nights.
I of course had bad dreams. I slept good but the nightmares of us not keeping orbeing together messed with me. Woke up on Sunday morning at 6AM. Worried she was maybe letting me sleep. Finally got up at 7:30, used the restroom so she'd know I was up. A few min later, she came downstairs. Worried about her getting up late was a wrong. She cutely told me how I can be up so early since we were up late the night before. She said she'd be fine with sleeping in till 10AM. haha.
I had already folded up the blankets and sheets and folded the futon back into a sofa. I was sitting on the sofa and she joined me. Snuggled up close one again. She pulled the blanket out of the pile I had put the bedding in and sort of sat in spoon position next to me while I was sitting normally and had my arm around her. Not sure if she was starting to doze off but I enjoyed the cuddling and I had my left hand caressing her left leg going up and down. Nothing bad. She felt it because my right arm was around her and she was caressing my hand with her thumb so she was awake but I'm sure tired and dozy.
She then changed position and was sort of sitting or laying on her back slouched down on the sofa with the foot rest futon being used as an extension. So I ran my hand up and down her left leg. Again, nothing bad. Until I may have glanced at her private part running my hand on the way up. Just glanced it. Purposely or accident, I'm not sure but she let out a soft moan. I was kind of shocked I did that and much more surprised by her moan. I couldn't help it at that point. I began touching her from outside or her pants and started rubbing her there. She was expressing her pleasure and she said we shouldn't be doing this. I kept touching her there and more moans of pleasure came out of her. I then could tell she wanted to kiss and so I did. We both french kissed each other in the heat of passion. She then said she don't know why she is not stopping me from doing this as this is wrong but she didn't push me away at all. I could then feel her jeans were getting soaked obviously her getting wet through her underwear and jeans. I was feeling so good rubbing her that I was moaning a little. She was shushing me to keep quiet because she was worried the neighbors would hear us. Finally, she bucked so fast and hard pumping her hips up and down. Pretty sure she came. I couldn't help and wanted more and make love to her but she said no.
She finally stopped me and grabbed my hand to push it away. She was honestly ashamed about what happened. She said it shouldn't have happened and she was really angry and resentful. I didn't understand it because she was feeling passionate and she did obviously enjoy it and she didn't pull my hand away till after she came. So we sat there and had some serious discussion. I sensed it made our situation even worse. I didn't mean it to be bad. I just felt so close to her and I wanted to be close. But we were able to explain our thoughts about what just happened. She explained how the last time she was with someone, it took 1 1/2 years before they were intimate. It took 6 weeks before she kissed him. That was her way. I asked where is he now knowing obviously that they are not together anymore. I then explained my train of thought. I first said I understand her now. I see her ways and now feel bad about what happened. Then I explained my point of view and my train of thought as far as my way and my life. After that, she said she felt better now that she understand my way of life. So it was a very good talk. WE both got to understand each other more. Maybe even ourselves. I did say that if there is future with us, I will never do that again and that I'd let her decide when and the progress of our intimacy.
Eventually, I got ready. Got my things together. She was upstairs and changed her pants. I guess she knew she soaked her pants earlier. She came back downstairs and we stood there across from each other. I sensed the ugliness of not being wanted. This time, we stood there 10' apart. No words said. We just stood there for 5 min. Finally, I stepped towards her and she stepped back. That hurt. I raised my hand to shake her hands and she took that and shook my hand. I said "So this is how it's going to be now?". I then hugged her anyway but it wasn't the same as the night before. It was a cordial hug. The type where the woman turns sideways for less body contact.
Anyway, I put all my things together in a bag. I bent down to put on my shoes. As I was tying it, she did say unexpectedly the she will think about it. By that of course it means she will think about us as far as if there will be a future between us. I looked up and smiled and said thanks. Just the chance of maybe seeing her again makes me happy. I actually did tell her this. Got up, went to her door knowing full well this could be the last time. Told her goodbye one more time and she said bye.
Of course, it was a long ass drive home even without traffic. Ego started to mess with my head. Somehow little things that popped into my mind while I was chatting with Fay earlier that week reared it's ugly head. Those far faint dreams of maybe making coffee in the morning and handing it to that special someone while they are still in bed came into mind. Or getting coffee in bed by that same special someone with the sweet thought of realizing they know how you like your coffee. That came and my ego tells me that this dream that became a possibility could now be..... dead. Those little things that became suddenly alive when it was buried deep and locked away came up this week and then came crashing down on me. I never cried when I broke up with my last ex gf. I did on this one and she isn't even anything but a first date. This one hurt.
I know enough to not call or beg Fay to be with me. I became smarter and know better on having dignity and it's all part of my self improvement. Yet, it doesn't make the pain any less painful. Sigh.... dreams of the cocktail party? I'll be there. I got Fay the green light to go by the host but now I doubt she'll go. We have a wine bus tour that she said she'd go to but I know this too will probably die. I was a supposed to help bring her red sofa and loveseat over but that I'm also guessing is not happening but I did say I'd help so regardless, I will keep my word and offer to still do that regardless of what she decides what will happen to us.
I shouldn't be fooling myself. I know I shouldn't mind read but I should prep myself fo what may come. I'll still attend the cocktail party and man up and smile while there. Fay won't be there. I will be there smiling and faking it. At least I get to try on my new suit. One little good thing that happened to me this week. I lost a lot of weight. I suspect it's due to this puppy love thing I felt with Fay all week and now I get to experience what we know as the divorce diet. lol. I thought I'd be a fat ass but I weighed myself when I got home and I've dropped down to 152 pounds. Dang!!!!! That I like. The little things in life.
But life does go on. My friend Jenny broke up with her boyfriend and was hurting. They were together for 2 years. So no rest for the weary. I went over to her place to keep her company. I've known her for at least 5 years now. I let her get drunk and vent. Told her my new romance came crashing down too. So we both got drunk. She finally got too drunk and went to bed safe and sound. I went upstairs to check on her. Made sure she didn't puke anywhere and got her some water. Told her bye and she may or may not have remembered. When she gets drunk, she don't remember anything the next day. Went home and smiled a little. Even when I'm down, I at least still have enough in me to comfort my friend in need.
This morning, I'm have my morning coffee. Random thoughts flying in my head. Sad but controlled sadness. I've learned enough self improvement this year so I have no choice but to get up off of my ass and keep on going. Fay was so much fun to be with. The best part of it was we had so much to talk about and just clicked so well and laughed so much. But... I also know it takes two and that may not exist, I need to let go of that dream. I took a couple of pics yesterday of us together. We looked so good together and I swear, physically, we look the same age. I won't send a link for this one. Hurts too much to see much less post it on here. So what do I mark this day? Fay day 1 AD? Sigh......I'm guessing that the dear John phone call this Friday after the end of her work week. So now I need to recover from this. That means no dating for awhile. More days of having coffee in bed.......alone