acromyrmetica

Sweetpea's Journal
2019-09-30 04:23:20 (UTC)

Self Love

I took a bath for pure relaxation purposes for the first time in a long time. I had been feeling the stress of my last journal entry, and felt I needed to do some meditating of some sort. The prospect of it felt more like a necessary chore than pampering myself.

I lit three candles, set them on the closed toilet seat next to the bathtub. I filled the bathtub and dropped a lavender bath fizzy in that I had bought the night before. I turned out the lights and found my way to the bathwater by the light of the candles.
Prior to bathing on any given day, I perform a self-harming ritual that involves picking at the skin and purging the pores on my chest. I have been doing it for a very long time. I recently learned through therapy that I probably have performed this ritual for so long at least in part due to the fact that I never learned how to properly regulate my emotions as a kid.
In any case, I performed the ritual, but more out of habit this time than out of compulsion. I didn't feel the need to do it. I just did it because, hey, that's just what I do; I obsessively pick at my skin. That should have been my first clue that this meditation was going to be awesome.

I felt a sense of ownership of my body that wasn't present before. What was just skin before was now my skin. What was belly fat before was now my belly fat. I methodically brushed my fingers over and massaged my legs, my belly, my chest, marveling at each one's purpose. Each and every body part my hands passed over was given the respect and recognition it deserved. It didn't feel half-assed or faked to recognize and appreciate my body for what it is. From the crevices of fat layered on my body to the wart on my finger that won't go away, it didn't matter. It felt amazing to have a body in that moment.

Hopefully, I conveyed the feeling appropriately. As a survivor of sexual violence, I experience depersonalization and dissociation frequently, particularly when it comes to feeling like my body is my own. So this was a wonderful experience for me. I wish that feeling could last forever.




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