win the race
2019-09-29 22:47:51 (UTC)

soul searching

Lately I’ve been feeling like something is missing.

I am a machine. Which tries to ignore its' feelings and achieve it all.
I am a person. Which pretends to be a machine, but really all he wants is affection and validation.
I want to feel loved. I want to feel accepted.

My priorities got destabilized.
My back hurts like hell and I don't do enough to fix it.
My actions don’t align with my deepest wants and desires.
My time is not allocated correctly.

My life is not in perfect order.
I sometimes forget things, or don’t do them in time, or postpone them.
I don’t wake up in regular hours.
I haven’t been abroad in a long time.

Making sacrifices in my life. Will it worth it?
If I gain what my plan is, yes. It is.
If I don’t, I have lost time. I have lost momentum on dreams, possibly lost them for good.

Can I do it all?
Do I have the productivity skills needed?
Do I have the discipline?
Not right now. But I will.

I’m refusing not to gain everything I want in this life.
My progress so far has been in good pace. But I need to pick it up.
It’s time to step up my game.

Wake up early. Have a clear, automatic morning routine.
Have an alarm clock seperate of my phone, and keep my phone outside the bedroom.
I should stop rewatching shows I’ve already watched.
I should stop dicking around - My life depends on it.

I need a fuck buddy.
Or a girlfriend? I don’t know.
I need to touch women. That’s for sure.
I need to follow masllow pyramid of needs.

I need to finish all my open tasks which always occupy my mind.
Will I ever? Do I need to aspire to finish all tasks.
Or do I need to aspire to disconnect my mind from them, because they are never over.
Or should I just constantly be working. Ever achieving more. And more. And more.

As I typed the last sentence I’ve felt the weight of work on my shoulders.
My face went a little loose, and pulled down like a frown. My eyes feel down in sadness.
I don’t want to live my life cooped up in an office.

I want it all. Can I have it all? I can try.
Start by rebudgeting your time
Take back the time you think isn’t spent wisely.
Drop tasks entirely if they’re not important enough (like not sending Maya that letter, good call)
keep your mind clear.
Make going out part of your routine.

I am the person I thought I could be when I was in the army.
Am I the person I think I could be now?

How much time should I spend on reflection?
How much on action?

do I lack is propose? is that what's missing?
The way I’m right now I can help people.
With the skills and wisdom I’ve accumulated I can do more for the people I care about. And for strangers.
I don’t have a doubt In my mind that I can.
But I’m not done helping myself.
I’m not perfectly content.
Should I wait until I’m, or should I start now?