Easy to get but hard to forget

Miculy
2019-09-30 00:41:10 (UTC)

lost in time

okay I know it's been a while, but I certainly do not remember the last time I wrote here. I mean, I see it was August 25th. and I was pretty miserable about Santiago as usual. But August 27th I started a relationship with this other guy. weird, I don't remember being that sad on those days. but reading my most recent entry, I apparently was. wow.
What's even more wow is that I had no idea that i was gonna end up with this guy that I'm with now. of course there are wounds on the heart that Santiago left. but I love Alex really, and I had no idea I loved him, but there's still something. About Santiago. in fact, it's that - i hate him. every fiber of my being hates him. the person he turned me into - i'll never forgive him for doing this to me. because, mostly Alex is suffering the consequences of my fragile being, and it really makes me sad. he's a lovely guy, and I see he's trying so hard to gain my trust and makes me become the person I was long ago. he knew me back then. we've known each other for around 6 years but i never thought something would happen between us. i love how we didn't even flirt or anything, it just happened. but when he told me he'll do everything to help me forget the past and become as strong as I was, and when he told me he'll be there for me no matter what and no one will ever stand on his way to achieve that, I realized who really loves me. and it's not Santiago. he ruined me. Ruined. I became so fragile and so sensitive that if Alex says or does something that I GET WRONG, I instantly start crying and thinking he'll hurt me by leaving me for someone else. I wasn't like that before when I didn't know Santiago. I was super confident and nothing could hurt me or touch my feelings. But now, I panic over minor things. when I see Alex literally talking to other girls, I tell him things like "if you love her go for her and let me go, you don't have to do this, please just leave me already, I know you like her..." and stuff like this. he already noticed the whole problem of mine, and he's coping with it so well that I literally don't know what I've done to deserve this guy. i can't believe someone is actually willing to go through all this shit with me. he's a gift from God okay. but I want to help myself as well. i've been trapped into all this shit that I can't get rid of, like, university, family, job, and all the other crap. i have no idea what's coming next; i don't know what to expect from life anymore. what are the other problems that will show up and what else will happen.
the only thing I know is that I don't know what to do.
everything's still frozen in time and space.




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