pain is a word that doesn't even begin to encompass this
there are days i worry that i have become so lost "in him", that i may never recover MYSELF again.
it's frightening that you can't see an addiction (to anything) taking you over. at first, you just love the affects you experience, and you remain somewhat "high" for a while. and that's good enough. but by the time you realize that your "drug" has become a need, you are already in it's grasp in a way that is hard to convey in words.
REMEMBERING BACKWARD NOW....
years ago, for me, he began as an escape. i'm guessing alot of people can attest to the same thing when they began searching to feel something good in the midst of feeling too many things that are painful and unbearable. the first time he touched me, something happened i'd never experienced. i was in a horrible place in my "regular" life, which left me COMPLETELY suseptible to his charm. he was completely unaware of his own charms and the strange power they had over me, which of course, only made him more charming. he is the dark, brooding type. quiet and private. troubled himself. but something in the whole package that he was (is) was so beautiful to me. he held a mystique that literally made me "hungry". i don't really know how else to put it.
and he was willing to feed that hunger. damn....did he feed it good. i came out of myself in ways that i never even knew i had inside me. sheer, total and complete ABANDONMENT, happened to me when i was with him. the first encounter took place in the back seat of his car, and it was all limbs and moans and reaching and screaming, my feet making imprints on the ceiling of his car. almost without realizing it, we ended up outside the car, while i had one foot on the ground and the other up on his shoulder, as he pounded into me, slamming me against his car over and over again. it was primal, and raw in a way that i had never, ever experienced. only when it was over, did i realize that we'd been where others saw us as they drove by. it was dark, but still...several cars drove past. yet, in the midst of our joining, i was unaware of everything accept what i was feeling. i...did...not...care...about...ANYTHING...else.
you see, even tho i'm not going to admit my age (yet, if ever), i want it understood that i am NOT young. so it is almost embarrassing to admit that until that nite with him, i'd never had an orgasm. don't laugh....or maybe go ahead, it's okay. but it's true, either way. in the back of his car, when i'd felt the first one building, i'd tried to almost move away from him...to get away from it? i even shook my head and tried to control that "rise" i felt, because it was so intense. he held me on that "edge", as i looked in his eyes....totally lost in that quivering "just before" feeling. dare i describe it as frightening? and then, i crashed over that edge, and for the first time in my life, i understood what it was that people were after in this kind of joining.
its not that i'd never had sex. more than one marriage. relationships in between marriages. there had been sex. but there had never been "good" sex...for me. sex in my life had been about giving something someone else wanted, a duty per say? or it was used to get something that "I" wanted. it had never been anything that felt good enough to me to cause me to desire it. but in that moment with him, i understood so much that i never had. i felt liberated....beautifully and completely freed from my own self.
i had three more orgasms that nite with him. (i believe i became addicted to the orgasms before i was addicted to him). we laid tangled together, drenched in sweat and catching our breaths afterward, and then we talked. we talked for hours. we drew boundry lines, because there were clear reasons that we couldn't be more than "fuck buddies". none-the-less, by the time he took me home, we KNEW we'd repeat each other.
for days afterward, my body ached from the roughness of it all. i had never been "done" so well, and i'd never come so "UNdone". and even the sore body, made me smile and want more. i felt worked over, and had bruises in some places to attest to that. it was as if, one encounter with him, lived on for days. and that came to be something i knew as truth, as our encounters continued on. there was no tenderness in our joinings. everything was hungry and wild and raw and rough. sometimes it felt like he was a MAC truck trying to drive straight thru me. we used each other for own separate escapes and it was so good. i was in complete awe (am STILL in complete awe) of how i came out of myself with him. i literally felt like in his presence, i melted into a completely different human being, who allowed herself to feed on her hunger and take what she wanted while allowing joyfully to let him do the same. i had never been the way i was with him.
and i fear i'll never be the way i was with him, ever again....for anyone else. that "me" was his creation...something i became only with and FOR him.
BEING IN THE PRESENT NOW...
today, i ache in completely different ways than those sweet aches. my heart hurts...badly. i wonder how it's possible to have so many tears inside....don't they dry up? it's three days today, without any communication. he doesn't know that i'm using these quiet days, to begin to make an honest attempt to purge myself of him. he isn't speaking to me right now, and most would think that's a sign that we are over. but if you know "us", you know that's not even close to the truth. we have gone back and forth for years, with periods of no communication. and then we are drawn back to each other again for periods of heat and euphoria that defy everything for me. we have a bond that is intense and real. but it's sick and unhealthy. we can never be what we say we'd like to be and we know it. it's not just the "life" we both live that it's IN the way. it's also our age difference that makes it impossible to fulfill dreams for each other. and it's also his temperament, that i find impossible to live with. i am too old to deal with his complex moods and anger issues. the way he reacts to stress in his life, is to push me away. it's painful as hell, but he is truly incapable of loving and dealing with stress at the same time, and i cannot submit myself to any more of it...among all the other reasons as well. we have called us, an "us", for a long time. but we can never really be an "us". there was always going to be an ending. ours is a story that had an ending before you read the first page. we knew that.
even tho, i've known from the beginning, that i'd have to give him up the addiction kept that fact buried. thus far, knowledge of the bad affects of "US" have not been enough to give me the strength to give him up. it's getting to this rock bottom i'm at NOW, believing i'm less than i am, because i can't be what he needs....and hating myself for it. THAT'S what's giving me the drive to try to part from him now. this "less than" feeling that i get in our dance of always drawing together and pushing apart, is dangerous for me. his dark places take me to my own dark places. i can't afford to let myself completely go there. i have to save myself.
but it hurts. i hurt so much today. i want so badly to reach out to him and just get....a dose. just a small dose/fix. something to hold me over and give me strength. i want to curl up in a fetal position and just cry and scream and let my pain be expressed. but i live a life that won't allow that....so i have become a robot, doing what i have to do, while dying inside. today, i feel like i can't do it. it's only the beginning...and i am so weak. the ongoing questions in this weakness plague me..."do i really have to give him up right now? can't it wait a while longer? can't i bear the pain for a little longer, just to have the beautiful affects that i know will come again, if i stay? i'm already addicted...it can't hurt to have just one last hit before i give him up, right?"
i know the answers. but i also know i'm weak.
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