2019-09-27 02:37:29 (UTC)


this, feels like healing.
reflecting. remembering. growing.
i'm beginning to understand now.
it's to strengthen the connections in our brain,
to experience profound emotion,
associated with the memories that shape us.
i used to look at it from a very logical standpoint.
that there were several factories that produce our memories.
i'm not wrong.
but it's the personal experience.
the journey of self-discovery via rewiring.
because for the first time in a while for the past 48 hours,
i felt happy. i felt accomplished.
even now i get lost in thought about getting my sister a phone.
laughing with hamaad about super mario maker.
seeing rafeed in a way i hadn't seen before.
hano letting me rest my head on him.
and to be opened up to.
and to think, that i wouldn't be able to experience that intimacy before. and you know, they usually ask all the questions. but i want to take control of the narrative.
i want to start taking the reins in controlling my happiness.
it's easy to be sad.
it's difficult to stay happy.
and maybe it's because there's a hole that feels like it's feeling when i'm at 1414.
maybe i've just felt so many different feelings that the whole day is memorable.
and all i have to remember it by is a picture of the buildings down 1414.
i know it will be a nice surprise to remember when i go to reminisce in the photo gallery.

but i feel so happy that i want to cry,
and i feel so profoundly sad that it makes me happy.
and the clusterfuck of emotions, my god, so overwhelming.
raf is so fucking hot without clothes on. holy fuck.
and why did i eat an edible before engaging in an unbelievably long convo with ishaaq?
and i'm so curious to know about so many things. i'm still learning. and every time i come back, i learn more.
but i don't wanna be a creep. i lost a friend that way.
shaq said something that shattered the world to me.
he said,
"ilyas, the person who said that he thought we failed you..."
and he ghosted me.
he ghosted me.
so was that an excuse?
but shaq said that it was completely in good intentions.
i can't believe i never accessed my frustration about that until now.
i also had taken his lights.
and he thought...they failed me.
but shaq clarified on that too,
not that i needed the clarification. because i already understood.
i remember telling osman about my resentment.
and that's fueled possible guilt that i never anticipated.
shaq hopes we'll see each other again as a random occurrence in 1414.
but i still harbor natural anger.
not active. i can't waste my time with that anymore.
but more like, i've trained my body for so long to harbor it. it's hard to forget.
it's crippling.

so, anyway, back to the main topic.
these memories, these emotions,
they're rewiring me. and i can physically feel it.
sure, it's a constant compound of thc and my brain trying to organize its fucking self,
but what else is new? it's processing hundreds of things a second for me and i just took another 10 sec hit of this pen.
what the fuck ever. i'm unfuckwitable anyway.
shit. just remembered my phone's probably not dead anymore.

well, it's 2:54am. my mom's birthday is tomorrow, or tonight technically. but i'll be working. and recovering from this 4 day long high hangover, fuck meeeeeeeeeeeeee. but i'm glad i had more experiences like the one i was craving.
because it was intimacy all along. and now that i know, i don't want anything else.
i just want to feel like i belong again. and i don't want to fuck that up.
loyalty, right raf? hehe.
for the royalty.
whatever i learn now, it's for the benefit of me and the people around me.
whatever i feel now, it fuels the positive cascades i can choose to work forward into my life.
and whatever i do now, it will be empowered by fresh memories of love and purpose,
and it will ultimately weave itself into my aura and behavior,
radiating it on the people that i meet.
because i get to be the energy i want to attract.
and i get to attract that energy too.
it's time to make plans and goals.
it's time to keep rewiring.
it's time to dissolve that brain.

you have to step it up. and remember - you're not alone.