Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-09-27 02:48:44 (UTC)

huh

drivin home today got me in a funk I can't shake. Actually, it was all day.
I'm coming to a place where I can see just how I don't trust me to take care of myself emotionally, and I can see just how that limits me so much in my life. I feel so ugh.
Like it's impossible, really, and I believe that.

and then there's just that annoying chattering in my brain that goes on about how much of an idiot I am for not having anything, or any of the right things, to say. Like, I keep trying to define myself by the person I show up as and I'm constantly just putting myself in a box. It's like a top-down defining who I am, but it should be from the bottom up. I shouldn't have to care so much about how I'm portraying me, I shouldn't put so much energy into moderating how I'm being perceived. (because it's taking away from putting energy back into how I'm actually feeling about myself)

And I don't want to come off here as shallow, because its' not that I care how I look or what others think of the little parts of me. I care about deep things, like finding a place of belonging, and like letting others know that they matter. I just feel trapped in these habits of caring more about whether others think I'm the type of person who can take care of herself or whether I'm the type of person who's some emotional mess. Because, I guess, my biggest insecurity is that I don't trust my judgement, even for little things. And I don't even want to know how that warps my personality- because I try to gauge what others are thinking of me but it's all too confusing.

or
I
just feel like I'm not even understanding my own experience right. Like even my thoughts are garbled before they come out. Like doubt is my primary mode of being, and switching out of that shift is like lurching into a whole new life that I can't comprehend really..


////


On the drive home I was feeling that strange awake-but-asleep feeling, and I was starting to make connections to the way sleep is unfulfilling because in my waking hours I've wasted my energy on staying emotionally asleep on all my feelings.

I can't afford to not trust myself, but denying myself that feeling, its only just confusing from here.

Just, for a moment, I felt like maybe I was consciously choosing to live in the present, and I wouldn't deny myself a vision of a positive future, and I felt like maybe, I wasn't asleep, and that was a burdensome choice, but it was free.
and I was free, just not from that burden of responsibility.

maybe that's not such a bad thing. being tied down to some meaning-well, that's something to work for.

Jordan Peterson got me thinking like this..

///

Now I get to go to work tomorrow and all my worries will look like "well, I wonder if I'll ever be grounded and giving, and know where I stand in comparison to others like she, or he, does, because right now I feel moot and pointlessly living, and heck, I don't even know what I'm doing and *roll the mental clips of all my recent screwups*" and that, escalating until I feel crazy or have a breakdown/ panic attack.

I did have caffeine today, so it's not all bad, it's just that hype that got me feeling a bit extra quivery with existential confusion and fear.

////

ugh how easy is it for you to forget who you are? because focusing on my own load to carry is such a task I gotta remind myself to do second to second. And there's so many reasons to be distracted.

And the reason to stay focused, right now, is lost on me.
except, Noah, except, that can't be no reason.

//

I wonder if learning to trust myself again is like allowing me to be my own parent, giving me permission, over and over, to be the person I want.
And I wonder if that prospect could be exciting, if I could allow myself to believe, in the grand scheme of things, that I matter.

I wonder how long this wall all take to become natural. And I wonder if anybody will ever see me for all this I've fought for in myself.
and I wonder when feeling invisible will stop feeling like both a comfort and a life's sentence of misery.




Ad: