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2019-09-26 22:57:48 (UTC)

i have a ~crush~ and it's awful :)

"Pluto" by Chamsom

September 26, 2019 Thursday 10:57 PM

I realized I haven't written in a while. Probably two weeks or so. Not much has been occurring. It looks like I was temporarily in a rough place, and then the roughness evaporated, and out of frustration and some masochism I tried to keep it going. But then I realized I wasn't sad or anything, I'm just anxious. I had a couple weird meetings with Lancelot. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow. Hopefully that will go well. I am extremely anxious rn and I have been for the past few days, not sure why beyond Me Being Me. But I know what certainly doesn't help!! Is that I have a Big Fat Crush!!! I'm not gonna talk about the *why* of my crush, mostly just my behavior surrounding it. Anyway

It's on Melvin, lmao. No surprise there. He's in my literature workshop and we sit right next to each other. I didn't even mean to sit next to him, his was just the only seat open. But then I kept wanting to sit next to him so I did and I was basically dead as soon as he snickered at me when I came in late on the first day. Ugh, I'm a child, haha. At first I didn't want to ??? Socialize??? With him?? Because I still had this idea that he was annoying (not that that makes him less attractive to me, but just, ugh) but being next to each other we've been kind of forced to talk and :(( he's really cool :((( and on the second week of our Lit class, I think he waited for me outside of class so we could walk together. I'm still like?? not sure if this is wishful thinking. But he did pack up very slowly despite having very few things (unlike myself—I have like 10 million incompatible shapes that I am constantly forcing into my distended backpack, so it takes me awhile to ~get it together~). And then also he stood outside the classroom. And then looked up when I came out. And then started walking with me. So I mean. He definitely DID wait, it's now just a question of why. Like, was he gonna talk to the prof, only to decide against it a few seconds later? And he saw me and I'm the only person in that class that he knows (not that he seems particularly challenged in the social arena, but he does tend to stick with the familiar folks, I've noticed)?? So he was like, fuck it, let's walk with this gal?? Idk.

But I do know the consequence, which is that I'm pretty much :) done for. It was just a mundane conversation, but I had an irrationally good time, and then I was walking on air for literally the rest of the week. I decided on a new strategy, which was: embrace the crush, be a normal person. I showed Maria and Nadiya his Facebook profile and drunk-gushed about him (ugh) and had a dream over a weekend that he kissed my cheek and I could feel the slight imprint of spit getting cold on my skin. And then this week we also walked out of class together, although I could've just been following him tbh. Conversation was fine, but his friend came up (the one from the summer program... did I call him Sven?) and I said something rlly stupid and he was like "...ok" and so I made my exit. Also I don't like being around Melvin and Sven when they interact, because they're like BEST friends so it's, uh, very hard to engage. As I was walking away, I heard Sven saying, "Were you, uhhh, having a nice conversation?" and this TRAUMATIZED me, haha. Because Sven was mocking him. But Sven just mocks people. And I can interpret his mocking in one of three ways:
1. it's just how he interacts with Melvin
2. he was poking fun at Melvin for a particular reason of which I will try not to speculate
3. he was poking fun at me for pathetically following Melvin around, lmao
Who cares???!?!?!? Me. I care.
I know I'm being crazy, but I was already anxious before any of this and so I went into a small doom spiral. But I've been surviving, I think. My updated strategy is the following: chill, dude... 'cause I got intense. It's not like I was expecting anything, because I am not like that, generally. I haven't even let myself imagine too many fake conversations because I worry it'll set me up for disappointment. I dunno, I just want to spend time with him. But I'm gonna, like, rein in my emotions a bit. Because it can't be ruining or making my days like this. That's super weird and inconvenient for meee.

On the plus side, it has been nice, having a crush. I feel kind of stupid about it, but it's also so... I don't know, I feel all... normal. I remember I always used to worry that I couldn't feel love. I didn't find anyone particularly attractive, etc. And I thought that's just how it was for me. But it's not!! I can find people very attractive! It's just like when I started to understand that physical intimacy with other people can be fun, haha. I have a tendency to exclude myself from the general experiences, because I've been kind of a late bloomer in that respect. As I get older, though, I am learning to sink back into the spaces that I rejected as a high schooler, and it's sooo good. So this is really nice. So when this comes to nothing, it doesn't matter, because it reminded me that I'm a human person affected by human things.

I don't think I expressed this correctly. I just mean to say, as agonizing as this is, I'm also enjoying it in some ways. It's better to feel too much than not at all??? I guess????

Anyway, that's what's been goin' on. I'm still SUPER anxious rn!!! I have to go meet Matt to give him the Black Magic charger and the extra batteries. That's not why I'm anxious; I actually only agreed to go out so late because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep by midnight. Anyway I'ma go see what my friends are up to. Despite my burning stomach, I gotta say, I'm pretty content right now :)

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