miss mess

midlife implosions
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2019-09-26 13:05:10 (UTC)

hello. my name is camilla...and i'm a cam-aholic

rock bottom is different for all those that hit it. and the dependency has everything to do with the rock bottom. my dependency...my addiction, is to a PERSON, and my rock bottom is losing all that AM...or wanted to be, because i gave it all up to please him.

he didn't ask me to. neither does a drug ask you to give yourself over to it. but once you've tasted it...you want more, and you GIVE yourself over to it, because of how it makes you feel. and before long, you will do whatever you can and have to, in order to continue feeling it's affects.

today, i have decided to break this addiction. and it must be done completely alone...completely private (for reasons that may or may not come out here). i have no one...not a single person that can help me thru this. i have to do it alone. this journal will be my only outlet, as i begin this "detox", and hopefully get to a place where i dont' feel that i need him or i will die. i am hoping to use these pages as a place to rage, cry, or reason. to admit my weakness. to share my regrets. to share my pain...because there is alot of pain, at just the "thought" of leaving him. i mite not be able to do it. but i have to. he is not a bad person at all. he is a good person. but he is not good FOR ME, and i'm suffering. he will be hurt by my leaving him, and that will make me weak. the withdrawls are going to be emotional hell. but i have to stand up for my own well being and stop making him matter so much. the more of myself i lose to pleasing and needing him...the more dangerous things become...my life is in a fragile place.

i have given myself over to this intense cycle of euphoria and pain for years now. i can't do it anymore.