Lost sight of a picture never taken

Lost art of keeping a secret
2019-09-25 13:21:38 (UTC)

I can’t stand you seeing me shaking

Felt a touch manic this morning, all went a bit nuts in my head, even with the music to drown out the noise. It didn’t matter what I did, was just all a bit of a tornado. The rope slipped for a bit and cracks started showing, but hopefully no-one noticed. Pretty much gathered up the pieces that I’d fucked up by losing concentration, so hopefully that’s water under the bridge.

There’s images in my mind that I can’t get rid of at the moment, that when I think of, it feels like I’ve been kicked in the gut. Starts to make me feel like I’m shaking, to the point I have to get up and walk around. The worst thing is they should be good memories, but they’re just having a negative effect at the moment.

It’s been more than 10 years since I’ve really spoken about anything, to anyone that I trusted to understand. Even then I don’t know how much talking I actually did, or if I think I talked more than I actually did. Youthful inexperience meant I didn’t know how to control my emotions, so I would swing wildly from laughter to true darkness to anger at the way I felt. Time’s taught me that the anger does no good, but it still bubbles below the surface, a cloud of resentment for myself.

Theres something happening, I can feel it in my chest, tight like I’m being stood on. It’s so strong it’s almost a physical feeling. But it’s come with a deep sense of foreboding, like there’s a storm brewing and it’s almost here. It’s things like this that make me reach out, but reaching out normally does more bad than good, so I won’t this time. I just hope I’m wrong and it’s all in my head.