Nights of the Out Kast
Another night about "her"
It's about 2am my time, and I've been thinking about "her" again, I don't think it's appropriate to give names here yet so I guess I will just pronounce her by "she". (which is really sad cause she has such a beautiful name)
But if you must know, "She" is someone I knew from high school, she was and still is a wonderful person, beautiful, short, sweet, nerdy, funny, smart, talented, responsible, etc. etc. and so on. I could go on like this for a day with just listing how annoyingly perfect this person is to me but I'll spare you the detail. To be short I think I might be madly in love with someone who doesn't even know who I am as much, anymore.
I could explain all the reasons why but I don't either have the capacity to write it all and no one has to capability to read it all. So I'll spare you a lot of detail. Lets just say I owe a lot to her for me being who I am.
Anyways, I've been dwelling the same thing almost every night.
Should I tell her?
That question ALONE is so complicated, You might THINK you know what that question means, but believe me. YOU DON'T. I could just go on and just say "Oh it's different!" "It's a special love!" "you just don't understand me". That's all garbage. I mean that she knows how I feel and she known all along, cause guess what? I told her! but in the worse way possible... because when I first fell for her then, I was so angry with myself cause I knew so many things were wrong about that.
1.) There is no way a guy like me can get someone so amazing like her to be with me. 2.) shes' said before how she not interested in dating anyone during high school 3.) We BOTH know were not ready to date anyone. The list goes ON!
So I knew it was going to fail and Low and behold! Not only I ruined my chance but I ruined an amazing friendship with a beautiful girl that helped me threw so much. Good job <3 . The worse part is that I never told her "How" I felt, I just told her I had feelings... If that makes sense?
I never told her how special she was to me, I never told her how she helped me change for the better. I never told her any of that, and its EATING ME from the inside.
Maybe in later logs I'll tend to describe this more in detail because I obviously need to work on my communication skills as you can see from not only all this god awful writing but from my legendary story of how I turned into Forever alone, but for now I'm logging off for the night.