2019-09-24 11:50:38 (UTC)


here i am again, typing away at the nest.
demeris is clicking away. ray is staring at the screen. carlos is texting on the phone next to some girl who's studying.
but none of that is actually happening. because they aren't here. i just see and hear those things.
just because you feel something, doesn't mean it isn't real. because i feel the way i felt all those years ago sitting away, typing on this laptop - i'm at peace.
and i just spent the night at dhruv's place, which means i would be waking up in joggers to go to class soon. and playing league. and leaving it up to the day to decide where i was gonna go.
just like i'm doing today. just like i primed myself to believe.
and yesterday i was contemplating why it was so necessary for me to have a structure in my life.
my structure was the freedom of being able to do what i want and go where i want in chicago.
and now, no one cares. everyone's inside. i work a lot. but i come back for the fun.

and boy, do i have fun.

i'm so tempted to eat another gummy but it's gonna have to wait until tonight, because i'l be visiting family. and isaly will finally be getting her phone. but i don't wanna keep it from her too long cuz i'm paying for that shit. they better let her use it.
"i'm not implying or expecting anything. :)"
i still think about it from time to time. the one moment where i was so cunningly outplayed by the guy i broke up with.
but the breakfast burrito was worth it.
and to think i would've never actually been with someone like that. though i don't think about it often.
or maybe i do and my whole life has been centered around it.
could be one or the other.
but finding a guy is rough. men are trash. and i'm no prize.
i like to believe i'm slightly better trash, and play directly into the stereotype that humans are narcissistic beings who only ultimately think about themselves.
and if the point of being good is to maintain tranquility in this very short life, it's definitely not working, because the world is fucked up. but i don't believe that these patterns are for us to analyze and attempt to understand. we'll never understand nature, because nature made us, and we're just a product - not a sum total.
a lot of people collectively believe in a sum total though. one with the universe and all that. and if we are 7 billion facets of one soul, whose fucking soul is it exactly? god?
and to think i was deterministic before. but now i'm proudly gay, muslim, liberal. oh, how wonderful.

the wholesomeness of not being lonely. that's what i've been striving for. feels like there's been a hole that's been left from being bounced around city to city. and i could just reinstall grindr, see what's up on tinder, go back on my usual bullshit. but i'm reaching that point where i really am considering someone else.
someone besides hassan.
which i'm starting to think, despite being my first love, he still actually doesn't care as much as i do.
and i have to redirect that energy before it's too late. i spend too much time being sad and i don't even know it.
"they were your words, not mine, so i'l be your reason - and you could be mine."
this song is so fucking good.
and it always brings me clarity, as do most eden songs usually do.
but it makes no sense.
i feel like i've rewinded.
blue ring on the middle finger. black ring on the ring. sitting at a table with all my...friends,
who aren't here anymore.
some, who aren'
and all of us have moved on. which is weird. death is a scary thing and unexplained loss.
now i'm hungry. my brain needs sugar.
peace for a bit.