Lost sight of a picture never taken

Lost art of keeping a secret
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2019-09-18 12:00:00 (UTC)

By way of useless explanation

I’ve started to realise that there’s only so long I can pretend to be something I’m not. It’s not even always because I want to, or even because I feel like I have to. I just end up living behind a mask of something else. Then after a little while, sometimes years, I lose grip on it and it starts to slip off. The trouble is, that’s when things start to go “wrong”.

When it was the other way around and I could be myself, I spent every day paranoid.. Suspecting some form of trick at every turn, or to end up in the cold.

Turns out that by nature, I’m a destructive thing to be around. I have a habit of trying to bring good but actually just causing havoc. Even when I try and help, I just end up making things worse in the end. It was worse when I wasn’t wearing a mask, I don’t know why, but it just was. I left a trail of destruction that I’ve regretted ever since, but I’m to scared to try and fix it. I tried once and it seemed like I’d end up as a bull in a china shop. I never wanted to cause this, but I only knew when it was too late.

At least with a mask on, I can see when it starts to slip. Although I’ve never been able to regain my grip, at least people start to hate me and walk away before I do too much damage. On my own, there’s only me to destroy. When there are people you hold dear, the destruction includes them too. Not much numbs that pain.

So I’ll try and keep the mask on, keep my eyes shut so people don’t see. Maybe I’ll get a grip this time.