chae

from my heart
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2019-09-18 03:48:37 (UTC)

im in patches

11:48 pm
im probably going to regret staying up like this but here i am, staying up. im really not ok. i dont know whats up with me. i dont know why im feeling so down lately. i am feeling depressed. very gloomy.

i get irritated more easily. sometimes i think about how dying would be nice. sometimes i take a few pills and regret when i wake up. sometimes i cut myself. i lost my razors so that really was a bummer. i had to use scissors.

i dont know why i hurt myself. i guess it just feels nice. it feels good. it feel like im breathing. it feels so fucking good.

im quite sad. i dont think that irene cares about me anymore. i dont think she ever did. i always laugh about things that really dig into my skin. like with mitty i told the story about irene and we were joking around and he was asking me why i have such shitty friends. and i was laughing and being like ikr? but honestly man it hurts. do i even deserve friends?

today i ate this fried dumplings and it was soooo good. like kind of in a while i actually really savored the food. but i feel so bad now. i feel bad about myself. and feeling bad about myself makes me feel like im self obsessed with myself.

ive been going to the gym. i think its a good thing. cause at least i do something.

but im tired. and man i dont even know what to do anymore. life feels so tiring. im reading the book all the light we cannot see. im halfway through the book and i feel like i personally dont like the book THAT much. but then again i also feel like the book is not those types of books that you read just once. its like the types of books you need to read over and over again to catch things youve missed.

i pulled my hair a lot too. and it sucks

i told sean, mittys friend, that i like mitty. and sean said that hes 100% sure that mitty doesnt like me and that i should just forget about liking him and move on cause its not going to work out. what a bummer. apparently mitty is emotionally unstable and has anger issues and just so many reasons why we will never work out. but if he doesnt like me then why does he message me and keep our dry ass convo going. im so fucking confused. maybe hes like this to everyone and this is where im just being a narcisstic lil bitch.

honestly, who would like me. i feel like even my own mom gets tired of me sometimes.


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