Nala Toph

Written Thoughts
2019-09-16 19:42:33 (UTC)

My last entry?

Guys... I really cant take all this.. I’m in horrible heat. Honestly? I started the fire and jumped right in. So what do I regret? Telling the goddamn truth when nobody fucking asked. Those cats were unbelievably cruel to me and they deserved it, they wouldn’t fucking stop! I just got in the mindset that if i hurt the cat then it won’t hurt me. I basically just did that to every new cat once it lived here for a bit. But our current cat never really hurt me. So I eased back the harm. Azura and I are good friends. I’ll snuggle up with her, she’ll let me pet her, she’ll purr in my arms. This was when I realized how nice cats can really be. I knew i had to stop, and I didn’t wait until New Years to make a resolution. I stop right then. So yes I really did torture cats, in a very sadistic horrible manner that I hope NOBODY can forgive. I surely can't forgive the extent i went. But the cats still struck first. I never asked for justification on my past, just for people to accept me for who I am now. It seems like I’ve gotten more hate ever since I changed, like to the extent I honestly wonder if people are trying to get me to snap and hurt a cat. Well sorry but I won’t do it. I replaced all kitty abuse with self abuse, then I replaced all self abuse with crying in a pillow, and I replace crying in a pillow with meditation. I’ve truly come a long way, and if people hate that then who’s the real enemy? One of my “friends” said i was childish with the whole situation because I sent people after him and I’m just lying on the spot. Even though he was the only person i gave ID to. I told most people to just not bother with him. Yet they attacked him anyway. I really don’t want fuel to be added but it was. It’s like i started a war and I’m neutral. How fucking dumb is that? I really am the dumbest person I know. But i told everyone the truth, most people were horrified. Even though they didn’t see my texts to Tilik, I still stated the truth. Two people weren’t so horrified. One of them called tilik a bitch (or that’s at least what she said), then the other wanted to talk tilik into friending me. I reread everything and I honestly felt sick after reading it all. I remember I wanted to cry but... I couldn’t. Sometimes I just can’t cry. I want everyone to understand that Tilik really isn’t the bad guy here. I couldn’t promise him I wouldn’t do it again. Seeing everyone’s reaction I certainly could now. I know I stopped causing damage but I never looked back to see the amount I’ve desecrated. This weekend has been an absolute shit storm, and it should have been. Because it was eye opening. Especially Inky... what Inky has said really shoved every bit of guilt down my throat. And it hurt. I built and ego so high just to not kill myself. Telling myself how bad they are and how good I am just so I wouldn’t kill myself today. I’m doing a bit better now but i have lots of repairs to be made. I’m not sure if I’ll be back. If I am it probably won’t be until a month. I might be back in November... I’m planning on it being more early for the diary because it is something that helps me be sane. But I’m going away for awhile...


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