marielmia

Mariel is MIA
2019-09-16 15:56:27 (UTC)

Your whore takes a sick day

i called in sick today. First time in 6 years. First time ever in this job. My boss called me to see how i was. i had to make up something cause i couldn't for shit say i fell for a guy who was engaged. Yes, i didn't know and yes, i kicked his ass out the moment i found out. But i hate myself for missing the signs. All those unanswered calls and texts. The taunting that first night by guys from his work. His secretive nature. i blame myself for being blind to something cause i'm so fucking needy.

My weekend wasn't pretty. i lashed out at him by hurting myself. And i wanted to hurt myself. Self punishment is the worst kind. It doesn't let up.
i slept most of Saturday and ate almost nothing. At 10, i went to this hotel restaurant that's known for 40 year old divorced men and 50 year old divorced women. i ate at the bar. My hurting brain wanted it to be easy. A 34 year old bitch, ready for the taking. And it didn't take long. He bought me drinks after dinner and we talked. i felt like i was negotiating a price. Told him rent a room upstairs, i wasn't going home with him. i was playing a role. You get it. And honestly, if fate hadn't decided to give me cramps just when we were leaving the bar, i surely would have fucked this first dude that found me. i offered full disclosure. He declined. i took a Xanax at home and called it a night.


Took another Xanax Sunday morning and slept till 4. Tried to bug out of family dinner but my father wasn't having it. He knows me too well. Oddly, he didn't give me his routine questions. Javier was there, but he didn't bother me. It was this strange sense of i don't give a shit anymore, maybe. i drove him home. He must have known i wasn't right.


He did his usual and i surprised him. "i'm bleeding fuckhead. Can you handle it?" Autopilot. The unthinkable happened. He lives in a fucking group home. One bathroom in the hallway. Karma beating the shit out of me.
Javier transported me back 11 years ago. He went at me like a starved dog, in every way possible. And it hurt, just like he liked it and just how i wanted it. Back to 2008. He did the thing he would do to me back then. i won't say here, but i will say i was waiting for it. It completed my transformation.
i drove home after 5 am, called in sick , Xanaxed and slept. Didn't even wash my face off.


But hey, tomorrow's another day, right? Ojala!




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