marielmia

Mariel is MIA
2019-09-14 08:32:08 (UTC)

Mistakes were made...

Mistakes. Several of them were made last night.
I began the night with an air of confidence in myself. i was going to flat out ask him if there was an "us" and if so, why was he holding back? Why could he not look at me like a lover does.
With hindsight, i should have talked to him, either at my apartment or maybe a quiet but public place, before we went out. Depending on how it went, made the split or went on with things with a better direction. Instead, he picked me up and we drove to the restaurant. Despite my best intentions, a noisy restaurant was not a good place for a heart to heart. Not to mention the awkwardness of a ride home in silence, if the result was a breakup. So, our usual date, the usual guarded conversation and the usual phone vibrating, face down on the table, unanswered.


i will tell you that i was true to myself when we got back to my place. i laid it all out for him. He said he had his reasons for not talking about his day to day- it had nothing to do with me. And that he enjoyed being with me, that i'm so different than other girls he's dated. That i'm so open to things and he admired that. i asked if he knows i am so open, why is he so standoffish. If i'm offering, why doesn't he accept? And why does he look away when i want to see his eyes on mine? He had no real answers. Right then and there, i should have said "ok, then maybe we should just part on good terms." i didn't. Instead, i allowed him back into my world. At THIS moment, i know it was a mistake and i am feeling awful about it. But last night, i was just being me. Afraid to be alone. Needy. i hate that about me. Sometimes, i feel like i can rise above myself and i do. My friends, my job. And other times, i am lost. i do so many things not to be alone. This was one of those lost times.

This morning, i am doubly hurt by my mistake. i'm going to the gym in a few. i'm going to exhaust myself so i can sleep tonight. i want to be too tired to think. Too tired to feel. Yes, mistakes were made.
It's a rainy, gray day today. Color me the same.




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