Where Pelicans Fly
It's really 2022 but I wanted this to be at the start of this diary. Been keeping journals since 1987! Last names are fake. Any person or persons with any of the names mentioned is purely a coincidence.
Welcome to my journal which spans many decades! I thought I would share my story in case anyone finds it helpful or interesting. There are a few things I want to say first about it. There is one thing I feel very regretful about and another I feel embarrassed about.
The most commonly discussed problems when it comes to intimacy are guys that can’t get hard and women that can’t get interested. The rarer a problem is, the higher the doubt surrounding it. Unfortunately, it’s human nature not to believe something we don’t understand. My husband has hormonal issues which enabled him to get hard but prevented him from getting off most of the time and it also caused him to have a low sex drive to begin with.
For years I insisted he was lying about it and that he was deliberately holding back for fear of impregnating me and saying he wanted a kid that he didn’t really want. As time went on, I learned that this is a very real and genuine problem some men have. I feel terrible about this and always will. While it once frustrated me, I’m so glad in the end that he was too shy and embarrassed to seek medical help for his condition for a couple of reasons. One is that while he could have lived with or without a child, I lost interest in the idea of having one eventually. Secondly, I know firsthand the potential side effects that medication can have, which was something he likely needed for his problem. Yes, he should have told me about it up front. But I also understand that he would have been shy and embarrassed to disclose the problem. At the same time, I feel bad for not taking him at face value and not accepting him as he was. He never had a problem with the way he was and he always accepted me as I am.
The thing that embarrasses me most is how I begged for God’s help with various things, blamed him for certain things that didn’t go my way, and made excuses for his “reasoning.” The truth is I don’t even know if there is a God in the first place. Whether or not there is, I’m just embarrassed by how obsessed I was with the idea of God and the “Robin” thing too. I can see where “Robin” was probably just wishful thinking and I wouldn’t be surprised if the concept of God was borne of a need to feel like there’s something up there we can turn to that’s more powerful than us. Other psychic experiences I’ve had were different in that they were more obvious than “Robin.”
Anyway, my journal is filled with a lot of humor, sorrow, fun, anger, happiness, frustration, scary, interesting, and controversial subjects. I know I had some not-so-nice things to say about certain groups of people in the heat of the moment that today might be seen as racist. The truth is that not only can we make people not like us with the way we treat them, but also that I don’t hate any group as a whole. Just individuals that hurt people.
I certainly don’t mean to offend anyone that may read this journal, but please don’t torture yourself by forcing yourself to read anything you don’t like or agree with! No one is obligated to read any of this, so feel perfectly free to click on out if you get bored or you just don’t like what you see. I will not debate, argue, or defend myself to anyone who may have a problem with something I wrote 5, 10, 20, or 30 years ago.