Lost sight of a picture never taken

Lost art of keeping a secret
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2019-09-12 13:24:17 (UTC)

Quarantine

A younger me would have had no problems with emptying the way they felt onto a computer screen. The reasonable anonymity to protect you from what you’ve written. But with age has come cynicism I guess. That and with experience...

I turned a corner years ago now, where I essentially pushed myself into quarantine. There were a few reasons behind it, mostly because I had become a massive jack-ass and it suddenly dawned on me that I had made some horrendous mistakes, some of which had hurt people that I cared about, even the person I trusted the most.

So I shut it all down, thinking that I was doing the right thing, I walked headlong into a “real life”, “grew up” in the view of society and forced myself to walk a different path. Not one that it turns out I enjoy. I thought I was doing the right thing, thought I had my own head and knew what I was doing. But actually when I look back, I think I took to much guidance from the wrong people and ignored the voices that were right.

As the years have ticked by, solitude has become more and more entrenched in who I am. Meeting people that you trust (let alone people you trust and that will understand) is difficult when you train yourself not to let people in. But when you’re young, you don’t realise that the things you have, the people you actually allow in, are the right people. The sad thing is, one day you’ll say goodbye to them for the last time and you’ll never see them again.

That thought really hurts, which isn’t something anyone would ever expect me to say. It hurt’s because of who they are and it hurts because of what I lost. All I can do is hope that they found happiness, true lasting happiness. Because it feels too late for me to throw out an olive branch now.

The long an short of it I suppose is that I feel like it’s better if I let the clock run down in silence, let the days tick by until the sun doesn’t rise for me again. At least that way I can’t cause any more problems. Although I know the response “staying silent causes more...” but I just don’t believe it as much, despite the way being silent makes me feel.


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