Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
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1993-03-15 06:46:42 (UTC)

March 1993 (2)

3/15/1993 Mon. 1 PM

I am now out on my patio, but it's too hot and uncomfortable writing with no table. I have moved right inside to my kitchen table.

Scott came over at 10:00 last night. He was unable to go to church as he had to go repair a government home that was broken into.

I wonder, along with him, just how dependable these elderly people are gonna be from his church. He knows a lot of people but doesn't really have the time to get ahold of them as far as taking over my place.

3/17/1993 Wed. 3:43 PM

As of yesterday, Andy's been here for two years. I've been here 9 months and 8 days.

I have so many topics to discuss, so I'll just run right down the list.

Yesterday at 4:30 PM Andy took me to the Mile High club where Crystal (Scott's girlfriend) works. Even from the outside, before we went inside, I could see how much classier it is. The inside is so much nicer. Classier, fancier and bigger. There's only one huge stage and that's good, so we have more time to get table dances.

A guy named Mark, who seems very nice, hired me. First, we spoke and then I danced to a Madonna song. I wasn't one bit nervous. Just like at Sha Na Na's the girls seemed very nice and said don't hesitate to ask any questions.

The dressing room's so much bigger and nicer. We won't have to be climbing over each other and we even have our own lockers. This is great, and I'll use my combination lock so I don't have to keep my key on me. It's also nice that I won't have to lug all my shit home with me every night. Just the stuff I need to wash.

It's still under the table and you have no bar tip! All you're recommended to give is a little something to the DJ.

I'll be working Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday from 6 PM - 1 AM. I'll be doing Andy's laundry for him once again, in exchange for rides to work. Steve, who I just paged, will be picking me up. I gave him my schedule and he's still gonna flat rate me $5. It's normally an $8 - $10 fare.

The two months of experience at Sha Na Na's sure helps. When Mark said not to forget my latex, it was good to be able to say, "I know," instead of, "What's that?"

4:05 PM

I just had half of a cigarette. They're long 120s. Now I'm microwaving bacon.

I got another kitten plate in the mail, so now I have two. They're cute.

A guy named Greg whom I met at the pool last summer was gonna take me to the doctor, but Angel and Brian were available to do it. I gave them $3, some coffee and some hot chocolate.

5 PM

About my doctor's appointment, well, it was a little surprising. First of all, he ended up doing an unexpected pelvic exam which didn't hurt at all. I am infected and I've got to call them Fri. as well as figure out what to do. The doctor says it hasn't been treated right. Well, that's obvious since no creams or antibiotics would work. My tits are fine. Just the usual obnoxious soreness and swelling before my period. My luck will be that I'll get my period for my first night of work.

My allergies and asthma are much better than they were from mid-October to late January, but November and December were the worst months.

I'm starting to feel more comfortable with this doctor. It usually takes a while. He was shocked when I told him about the dancing as he's only seen my shy side that only comes out with doctors. Everyone who knows me knows I'm far from shy.

Stacey explained how it works for a subleaser. They'd pay $297 and they'd have 8 months added on after June 30th. Speaking of Stacey, well, so she seems friendlier to my face, but it's ironic how Gordy talks really loud by my bedroom window at 7:30 in the morning. Maybe it's Stacey's orders or on maintenance alone. But, then again, Andy got the same shit when he was working 3rd shift before I ever got here.

The weather was funny today. It's been in the 80s for two weeks. Today and yesterday it even felt a little muggy and I had the AC on here and there. Right now it's beautiful, dry and not too cool or too hot, but I think it's gonna rain. New England's now having what they're calling the storm of the century. I mean, they haven't had this much snow since the late 60s - early 70s. They have over two feet all through the east coast! Lisa and Becky's school has been canceled. What perfect timing for me to get the hell out! I'd be stranded and even more of a caged animal, even if I did have a car.

Andy and Tammy had an excellent talk with me listening without Tammy's knowledge. It was funny how Tammy said Becky said, "This boy Kenny. I think he has a black face, but I like him anyway."

They talked about the weather, my dancing and this and that. Andy mentioned Scott, too. When Andy mentioned my being in shape, Tammy said, "At least one of us is."

Then, when I went to signal him to hang up I didn't want to hit buttons on the phone, so I slammed my closet door. He said, "I hear someone slamming their closet door and it doesn't bother me, but it'd make Jodi furious."

Tammy says, "After Norwich, it sure would."

Earlier today I spoke to mom for the last time in a while. She's such a never-ending, never-changing bitch. They're happy I'm happy dancing, but in her eyes, I'm just never good enough no matter what I do and I'm sure she expects me to fall flat on my ass and fail. Yeah, I've failed and given up on stuff before, but that was then, this is now. I appreciate all her material and financial help, but I need a break from even talking to the bitch. Dad and Tammy are a whole different ball game. They're very supportive and positive.

Mary's coming up from downstairs, so I'll write later.

8:30 PM

I just reorganized my workbag. It'll be easier using the combination lock and hanging some of my costumes up on the hooks inside my locker. Until I have more shoes and more G-strings, all I'll take home in a smaller bag will be my shoes and G-strings and stockings to wash. I don't remember, but I hope there's a shelf in the locker for my little stuff like makeup, deodorant, brush, money, etc.

I have a half-hour before I watch TV, so I'll write about Mary's visit.

Before I do, though, I blasted out the post office today. A million others here, along with the office have too. Pete left and we haven't a regular carrier yet and they're screwing up everyone's mail. I'm missing a phone bill, I believe. I also think I may be missing my TV guide. I left a note saying, "Put my damn mail in my box. Not on top of all the mailboxes and not in someone else's!"

I also got a call that was out of area, according to my box. It probably was Fran or Nervous, but I left Fran a message to let me know if he got the journals.

Leanne hasn't called, but Julia did. She was crying cuz she was upset with some guy. She said, "I don't mean to keep you hanging. I can't say I'll never be with a woman. I'm sure women are better cuz they're more sensitive, easier to deal with and I'm sure better in bed, but right now I'm so hurt and I don't want to see anyone." I told her I was a good listener if she ever wanted to call, nothing's too blunt or personal, and she can take her time cuz I know exactly how fucked people are.

Mary and I went to the office for part of their 6-foot sub and other goodies, like cake, ice cream and cookies. All this week they’re having things going on due to St. Patty's day. Yesterday was car wash day. Andy got his washed. Saturday's free carnations. I think tomorrow's free coffee and donuts.

I'll write more about what Mary and I discussed later on after my shows.

3/18/1993 Thurs. midnight

I just killed a spider and decided to write now. I need to stay up till at least 2:00 cuz I don't want to wake up earlier than 10:00. I just paged John and Scott, but I got no calls yet.

Yesterday after Andy and I had T-bone steaks, stuffing, and corn here for dinner, I scrubbed down the kitchen area, but I need to dust, vacuum and clean the bathroom.

Scott was over about 5 nights ago. He's dealing with undependable elderly people, trying to get them into my place. He knows tons of people but he hasn't got the time to contact them about getting in here.

I let him hear some edits as well as a few of his own that I edited from messages he left me.

He talked to Bill about a picture of me. Bill said he's only interested in the voice, but promotions may want to see if the "girl" is marketable. I gave Scott one of me in a black dress. Behind me were the blinds on my sliding glass door. He knows a photographer personally and he's gonna have it blown up and have the blinds taken out and an ocean replaced as my background.

Last night I spoke to John. He wants out of his place, as the people above him stomp on his head all day. He's gonna let me know about taking over my place, but I don't have a great vibe on that one.

A couple of days ago Andy called me wanting me to hear a message someone left him to see if I knew who it was. All she said was, "Hi, talk to you later." I said it sounded like Ellie's voice. He agreed. So, yesterday afternoon he told me he was over at her place trying to convince her to call me, but she wouldn't. He called me after and said her place was wide open (patio door & window) and he could've easily climbed down into her patio which is partially underground like a cellar. Then, he suggested we go over there and we did.

She flipped and ran into her bedroom and shut the bedroom door. All the while screaming mainly at me. I told him to climb into her place, but cuz it was broad daylight he wouldn't. We ran to her bedroom window trying to convince her to call me, but she kept running at the mouth.

We left and we agreed he'd go to her place and that he'd call me. She will invite him in, too. I only hope she doesn't have blocks, as she seems the type who'd get them. Meanwhile, we got her apartment number. I never knew her last name which I guess begins with a C. That's OK, though, cuz as long as I got her apartment number I'll type Eloisa and a last name beginning with a C.

3/23/1993 Tues. 11 PM

I have an awful lot to tell, so I'll get a move on it.

Once again I've been cursed with the flu. I am feverish with a sore throat, but at least I'm not puking. The doctor called in stuff for my flu and my pap results came back OK. Thank God.

Angel and Brian took me food shopping yesterday.

Oh, on the 16th I was hired at the Mile High and I worked Thursday and Friday. Shockingly and disappointingly enough, the money's no better than Sha Na Na's. At least the girls are nice and there's no tip out. All I do is tip the DJ 10% of what I make. I'll also save on my $5 cab fares whenever the hell I move cuz Scott can usually drive me.

I really want Scott and Andy to sit down and talk about all the stuff Scott's told me. Andy feels Scott's too good to be true, but he's that way with everyone. Plus, if I had any funny feelings I'd have walked away and never gotten involved. He's also had plenty of chances to hurt me if he were that way. When Andy first met Scott, even he was saying how cool a person he seems. There are a lot of interesting things to be written about Scott which I'll do another time. In the meantime, do I think he's gonna rape me? No. Do I think he's gonna drop off the face of this earth? No. And even if he did, with my $444 from SS and $600 - $800 from the Mile High, I can swing my rent at Crystal Creek. I also met Scott's parents at their retirement home.

I know why Andy's acting this way. He does this whenever things go well for me and people do things for me he wishes they would do for him. He's both happy for me as well as jealous. I'm moving earlier and then there's Capitol. Speaking of that, he's had 3 posters made up of the picture I gave him. It normally costs $1,000 but since he knows a photographer, he's paying $500. That is very kind of him. I said really loud in the bar, "You paid $500 to have me blown up!" Some people got a kick outa that one!

Bob's getting into envelope decorations, too. How nice. He's sent 3 so far. Fran got the 3 journals. I'll write more later. I am just too feverish and dizzy right now to sit up and write.

3/25/1993 Thurs. 12:30 AM

I am so happy and so pissed at the same time.

I've had my final straw with Stacey and she's gonna get it good this time. Last week John decided to sublease my apartment We called Stacey and she said to come pick up an application. I did and gave it to John one night when he picked me up from work. He called me and told me he filled it out, brought it to the office, spoke briefly with Stacey, and was told she'd process it. I began to have a funny feeling about Stacey fucking with any subleasers to try to keep me here. I called and all 3 girls told me John never came in. But I know John wouldn't lie and he described what Stacey looks like. That fucking bitch! I'm gonna do just what Scott told me to do. Go in the office with John and have her tell us to our faces that he never came in. You'd think that with the way I've gone off on them so many times for so many reasons, they'd say, "We don't want a bitch like her here." I know exactly why Stacey wants to keep me here. For one or both of the following reasons. To irk me, as she knows I do not like it here and why. I told her I was fully aware of her ordering Gordy to yack really loud outside my window early in the morning, not that I'd expect her to admit it. I also told her that with or without a subleaser, I'm out of here. Overall I've been pretty lucky with neighbors (at least back east I was when you get the NHA out of the picture), but with landlords and apartment managers, it's been a whole different ball game. If it was the other way around and they knew I loved it here, I bet she'd try to evict me. I'm literally her fucking source of entertainment. She gets off on me going off.

I have another possible motivation on her part which others suggested to me when she pulled her first episode with me last October. I think it's a combination of both, though. I've heard she's married, but even if she wasn't and if she were attracted to a female, she's too conservative to act on it. She surely seems the type who could never bring herself to go with a woman no matter how much she was attracted to them. Maybe I’m the first one, she’s not used to the feeling, and it’s freaking her out. When people can't act on their attraction and get positive attention, they'll try getting negative attention. People desperate for sex or friendship like Nervous, Fran and Ellie surely do stuff like that. But Stacey is a different kind in that same group of people. To tell you the truth, I’d be somewhat flattered if she liked me. She’s no one I’d ever have a relationship with because she’s too much of a bitch, but I’d have sex with her.

Last Friday Scott took me to his complex to fill out an application for a 1-bedroom, but there were no top-floor 1-bedrooms available. All they had were first and second floors. No way. So, the subject of a 2-bedroom/1 bath came up for $500 a month. Even if I made $600 a month at work, plus my $444, I could swing the rent, electricity and phone. However, Scott will be paying $200 of my rent for me to type for him. This is good anyway, as SS would surely wonder how I can pay $500 for rent, plus the electricity and phone out of $444 a month. The rental lease to prove what my rent is can easily be changed. I simply white out the $500 and reprint $325. Then, I photocopy it.

So, I saw a vacant apartment two doors away from Scott's that'll be ready on the 27th of this month. It's gorgeous! It's about 900 square feet and it's sort of laid out like the 2-bedrooms here. The master bedroom is by the highway which is fine with me as highway noise is kind of soothing. The other bedroom's at the opposite end of the apartment on the other side of the building, and yes it's even closer to the pool. That's OK, though, as where I'm gonna sleep is far from the pool and that's where the highway noise is. At the other end of the apartment where the other bedroom is, are the sounds of the waterfalls. It's a very long apartment and the kitchen is sort of like the ones here in the 1- and 2-bedrooms. It's wider and you can reach through and over a counter into the living room. Sort of like a little bar-like thing, and I want to get stools. The other wall's solid cuz behind it is outside.

The security guard lives below me and is on a night schedule, too. The office is next to me, but not directly attached to me. They're on the ground at an angle. There's someone next to me on the side where my kitchen and living room wall is, but it's fine as the wall's solid concrete. Also, the apartment's so big that they're not right next to you. In this studio building, everyone's next to each other cuz the apartments are so small and so close. It's like living in a house here, rather than your own apartment

There's no way I'll be so able to hear footsteps and banging so much. Even if there were a kid next to me, although I prefer there not to be, it wouldn't be such a problem.

My apartment is even bigger than Scott's cuz he loses the extra space in his second bathroom. I make it up in living room space. His stairs are on the pool side of the building. Mine are on the highway side. I have a huge sliding glass door at the end of the living room. One window in the master bedroom and two in the other. They're corner windows close together and it's so cool looking. One goes directly outside and the other onto my patio. My storage closet's not on my patio. It's right outside my front door, but that's fine in case I encounter any unwanted visitors in it. Easier to sweep it out, too. It's locked, but I'll be sure I don't put any valuables in it.

11:31 PM

In half an hour or so from now, John will be calling, so I'll write till then. Andy will probably call, too. At the same time as everything happens at once. While I was in the shower today, Andy, Scott, and some magazine publisher called.

Once again I questioned Andy about the hair care products and TV guide left by my door. He swears he has no idea about it. No clue at all. It makes no sense that someone I know wouldn't tell me if they left it. It also makes no sense for a stranger to drop it by my door. Only people who know me know my hair is my life and that I use TV guides. My TV guides now come in the mail.

Thank God Pete, our regular mailman is back.

Andy played me a message Velma left him for me. It said, "Tell your friend I will order a straightening iron for $14.95 if she wants." Just as I was about to say something, Andy asked what I was about to say. A straightening iron (especially a rare kind hardly ever sold in stores) costs from $20-$30, so this is her way of settling fairly with me. I told Andy to tell her that I'll tell him when to have it ordered some time after I move.

I guess Andy just had a money problem with Velma, too. He's using some furniture of hers. A double bed, a TV stand, small table, two chairs, and that big chair. She said she's selling it to him for $175 and she wants $85 of it now! He told her he didn't have $85 on him even though $175 is a great price for all the furniture. So, she whined, bitched and complained, taking it oh so personally. Then Velma bitched about her phone being disconnected. Andy asked why not take all that money she has in her Cadillac fund, but she wouldn't budge.

3/26/1993 Fri. 1 AM

Well, I guess John must have gotten busy at work at Circle K. He hasn't called back yet. He works part-time at Circle K which is like a 7/11 convenience store. He also drives the cab part-time. He's gonna call the office tomorrow and ask Stacey why she lied to me about his coming in to take my apartment Knowing her, she'll be like, "Oh, I recognize you and we did speak as I now recall. Your application was accidentally misplaced."

Believe it or not, I'm sort of developing a crush on Stacey. She's getting awfully fun to play with. And go off on. Especially when I know I can get away with it. She gets a kick out of it and about 4 nights ago I came up with a great idea. I said to myself, "OK, Stacey. You wanna play? I can play and bullshit right back."

At 2:30 in the morning last Monday or Tuesday, I called the office knowing I'd get the machine. This is what I said: "Hi, this is Jodi and this message is for Stacey. Thank you so much for the stuff you left outside my door. I just got home and discovered it. I was shocked, but that was very nice of you as I just ran out of the brand I usually use."

I was referring to the hair stuff, of course, and I figured she'd ask about it out of normal curiosity. I would've said what it was and that a card, which I already threw out with the garbage had been attached saying: From Stacey, at the VV office.

Amazingly enough, she never ever questioned me to find out just what in the hell I was talking about. Not even when I went into the office today to get my collector's plate that came in the mail. Only she and Judy were there at that time. Maybe she didn’t want to bring it up in front of Judy.

I noticed Judy's hair was up in a banana clip, so after half an hour I returned with one I don't want. They get stuck in my hair so I gave them to her. Stacey was talking to an old man who lives here.

I'd have had 3 plates, but I only have two cuz one broke. I have a cat looking into a mirror and one of a little girl looking into a pond with flowers all around her. The one that broke was of a white angora cat surrounded by purple flowers.

2:30 AM

I wish my cold would hurry up and pass. At least this time it's a cold and not the flu and the fever's gone, but my throat is still a little sore. I'm also very very congested. Damn, I wish I could quit smoking! I'm trapped till I die on that one, though.

At around 5:30, I fell asleep and I woke up to the thunderstorm we had at noon. That's fine with me, though. It's pouring pretty heavily out there now and it's chilly. It's about 15º cooler than it has been. A pretty drastic change from how it's been the last month. At least it's not constantly changing every day like New England weather does.

There are only two things I don't like about my new apartment I have no glass sliding shower door. I have to get a shower curtain that blows all around and sticks to you. There's also no roof above my patio. Here I can usually leave my door open during the rain, but there I won't be able to. At least it does not rain too often here, so I can leave my windows open while I'm asleep or out and not have to worry.

Anyway, let me back up to a couple of weeks ago. I think, but I'm not sure, it was a Friday night that I'd reached my final straw with the bitch next door banging. I said that's it! I'm gonna give it right back. I screamed and pounded the walls for nearly 3 hours.

Mary and Dave were sitting outside talking. Mary explained to Dave why I was going off cuz right before I did, I called her to tell her what was coming.

The next day Dave left a note by my door. It said: I heard you last night and I'm sorry someone disturbed your sleep. I understand as I used to work 2nd and 3rd shifts. I was playing music and burning candles and incense. If this bothers you, please call me.

He gave me his number and I called and left a message explaining the ass next door.

Ever since that night, she's been much quieter. I mean, like 90% quieter.

Mary's been up a few times and we've also chatted on the steps, so I'm sure she's overheard exactly how I feel. Also, anytime she tap dances, I'm gonna dance right back.

I don't know if I wrote about this, but a week or so ago, I called one of the two maintenance numbers here, so whoever was to answer wouldn't recognize my voice. I said, "This is Andrea C and my toilet's overflowing and there's water everywhere." A half-hour later, one of the guys knocked, but I don't think she answered. I'm sure it woke her up, though.

Dave downstairs is an excellent neighbor. I only woke up once to his closet door, but I nicely explained how well that can rock the place on his machine. One night we got to chatting for a while and he invited me down for some pizza. That was nice. He also called last night to see if I'd be awake at 5:30. He's having a woman with a little monster come over. He said to call if it gets to be too much, but I think I can handle it knowing I'm moving and I am awake. Drowsy cuz of my cough syrup, but awake.

4:30 PM

I still presently have a few more subjects to write about that I left off with in the previous journal. However, this cold is still nagging me, so I'll probably write later.

My stomach is growling for food. I'm gonna go eat now as at least I have somewhat of an appetite. Then, I'll watch TV, listen to music and write letters. Probably yack on the phone, too.

7:14 PM

I am watching America's Most Wanted now.

I spoke to Tammy earlier and I'm gonna have Scott call her. She's in a really desperate financial crisis now. Maybe she can type for him.

I'm disappointed that it's only a myth that exotic dancers make big bucks. Maybe in Vegas or Hollywood, but not here too often. I know all the girls bitch about how little they usually make and that it's not just me. I wish it was me, though, so I could correct whatever was wrong.

Well, I'm gonna go continue with my TV shows and I'll write later.

3/27/1993 Sat. 3:30 AM

At 11:00 I fell asleep and I awoke at 1:00. I'm coughing and congested, so I took that raunchy-tasting cough syrup. It's made me very drowsy so hopefully, I'll fall back asleep soon. I'm very tired and I'm gonna need my sleep with the way weekends are so noisy here.

I just spoke to John and he called the office today asking for Stacey. Judy said she wasn't there. He'll call back tomorrow to speak to Judy or Paula, but I don't think John's gonna live here. That may be for the better, though.

John's B-Day is April 2nd and I want to get or make him a card. He really is a good friend and I'm glad I met him.

Not the Friday that just went by but Friday last week, I went to Scott's complex in the early afternoon. I brought my work stuff with me. I filled out an application at the office and that's when I was shown the apartment I put down $70 to hold it. One problem, though. When she ran my credit check she said I owe someone money. By law, even though it's my credit report, she couldn't say who it was or how much. She did say it was one thing and nothing drastic. She gave me the name of Credit Data Southwest to get it cleared up, as the girl who applied for the same apartment wasn't likely to get it. She said things don't look too good for this girl.

I have no idea what it is, but I have a few theories. It could be stuff I've ordered through the mail, which Scott says they can't prove. It could also be from when I was in the ER in Norwich. They always screw up their billing and of course, I have Medicaid and Medicare. Two days ago Scott and I drove around looking for the place, but by the time we found it, it was closed. Tomorrow afternoon we're gonna go to this place and I sure as hell hope it can be cleared up quickly cuz as of today, my apartment is ready. I must transfer my phone, electricity, food stamps and call good old SS. Gotta call my bank, too.

So, the day I saw the apartment, Scott took me to work and picked me up. I was gonna stay overnight there to see how quiet it is, but I couldn't breathe. His roommate and his girlfriend were asleep, but I could smell the stench of mold coming from their room. There'd been a leak in the ceiling in there which had molded and it was to be taken care of the next day. Plus, these people are slobs and he's finally kicking them out. Lastly, I can't handle being around more than one cat.

So, during the two hours I was there, we ate hot dogs and he showed me his stamp collection and his drawings. Then, he drove me home.

His cat is a female that's gray. My cat's all black. A male cat and he's gonna get it neutered and declawed. His cat's spayed and declawed. My cat (Mystery) is very lovable and friendly. I miss having a cat. God answered my prayers on that one. While I'm asleep he can stay in the spare bedroom.

Scott repairs government homes that people lost due to drug busts or cuz they weren't making their mortgage payments. This is why he can get lots of furniture for free. I sure do miss my soft full-wave waterbed and he says every 1 out of 4 homes has one. That'll be great and I'll put this twin bed in the spare bedroom. Meanwhile, he gave me a beanbag (he had 3). He's also gonna put a ceiling fan in my bedroom.

4:48 PM

I am extremely exhausted. Scott never called and I tried paging him, too.

Kara came over for the first time in a month. She made us coffee and we listened to some tapes. She brought cigarettes, too. She also killed a spider and checked and Windexed my kitchen window. I have not had the guts to open it since I found that huge spider. There was a hole in the screen that she taped.

I had a very nice chat with my niece Lisa, too.

3/28/1993 Sun. 12:45 AM

What in the world happened to Scott!? Early this afternoon we were supposed to pay a lovely visit to the credit company. After only 4 hours of sleep, I paged him at noon and I've never heard from him all damn day. The guy must've been super busy. I hope nothing's wrong.

I am so tired, but just too restless to sleep. I need to sleep badly, too.

Kara was cracking up when I told her about my going off on Andi for 3 hours. I only heard her at 9:30 tonight for about 10 minutes. She'd better be really fucking quiet tomorrow.

I want to hurry up and get this move over with. My only fear is finding some sort of nasty surprise there, but Scott's been there long enough, so if he says it's quiet, it's quiet. It’s just that noise seems to go where I go.

I'm definitely gonna ignore my neighbors, but I'd like to maybe know who's below me and next to me. Scott has two apartments next to him on both sides of him. I have only 1 apartment next to me. They're between Scott and me.

John's gonna call Stacey Mon., but it's obvious she doesn't want a subleaser in here. She cares more that I stay than for John to move in and pay a little over $300, whereas I pay $277. Hey, it's her loss, not mine.

10:35 PM

I am now in one hell of a foul mood. I'm tired of this fucking waiting game. There have been too many places I've been psyched to leave and had to play the fucking waiting game. I should just stop waiting and stop trying to get out of here. If I'm not moved by the 1st I'll go get my $70 and look for a place that does no credit check.

And also, if I don't get to L.A. by May, I'm not going at all.

Scott called today from the airport. He flew in with some attorneys for a meeting once again with the IRS. I know this guy is busy, but I can't handle the stress of waiting and hoping. I'm just gonna have to be here for a while and deal with the bitch next door. She was quiet yesterday, but today the butch had 7 people over from 1:30-5:30. These two kids were slamming her door and screaming outside, throwing rocks. At one point I went down to Mary's as she was taking me to the store. I slammed her door 4 times cuz we're both so fucking fed up with her. When we returned I called Mary a little later. She said Andi went down and said to Mary, "I hope you weren't slamming the door in regards to me. I have nothing against you. I don't care about the one next door, but I hope we don't have any problems."

Mary told her the truth; that she was fed up with the slamming and the banging. Mary was trying to study.

She said Andi said, "Yeah, I understand that but I already told the kids about the door."

Yeah, well the "one next door" has a hell of a treatment in store for her, but I'll write about it later. If I'm stuck here, she's gonna have to shut the fuck up and stay that way. I even called the cops, especially cuz I wanted a police report, but they split right after I called. So, I called 911 back and told them to cancel.

Why doesn't this bitch just go on vacation? She told me she was gonna for many weeks when I first moved in here, so what happened? I wish she'd either go on vacation or get stuck in the hospital for a while. A broken bone may do that, and I've got one plan. Anyone who knows that for me to resort to such an extreme, I've gotta be pissed! I've had enough! She's gonna be mincemeat!!

3/29/1993 Mon. 1:30 AM

Naturally, I'm wide awake and probably will be for hours to come. Maybe it'll be a little peaceful around here tomorrow as far as the lawnmowers are concerned. It's raining. If I move on the 1st, I hope it rains all the way through till when I get over there. Keeps the lawnmowers away, as well as the parking lot sweepers which are due to return any day.

Everyone's vibes are different. Andy feels me staying till my lease is up (although that’s what he’d want). Kara says the second week of April. John says April 1st with a slight possibility of April 2nd. I don't know what to feel, but put it this way - do I feel myself being here in May? No, thank fucking God.

I called John earlier and we chatted a bit. Tomorrow he'll call Stacey.

I also called Nervous to play a little detective for me. This is gonna sound funny but it's been picking at me for some time now. When I was living on Oswego St. in 1987 or 1988, Tammy "slipped" and told me a little secret. My sister's 35 and I'm 27 and so she says that after she was born and before I was born, mom had a miscarriage. My question is, why is it such a big secret? Why the cover-up? Lots of women have miscarriages. I questioned mom about it and she flat-out refused to discuss it. She pulled her "easy way out" line telling me she never looks back on her past. This is why she stayed screwed up year after year. Cuz she never had the guts to admit, face, and deal with her past to help deal with the future. My mother’s a rather weak individual, I’m sorry to say.

A number of things went through my mind. It could be a number of things. Lots of things back then were covered up and hidden. Today more things are exposed and talked about. Stuff like rape, child abuse (emotional, physical and sexual), domestic abuse, adultery and divorce. The woman could've been raped. She could've had an affair even though I'm 99.9% sure neither one of them ever did. But people are learning, including myself, never to be so sure and take anything for granted. Even those you least expect to do whatever can surprise you.

I remember my sister-in-law Sandy. She was 8 months pregnant and got in a car accident. It was stillborn, but under the Jewish laws (I guess) it was so-called "old enough" to be named and buried. I think it was Sarah Ann. Could something like this have happened to my mom? It could all mean nothing, but my gut tells me to check it out anyway. Nervous is gonna check the gravesite.

3/30/1993 Tues. 1 AM

The lawnmowers never came today, but sure enough, it was made up for. At 11:30 I was woken up (I went to bed at 5:30) by banging below me. I was thinking Stacey or someone else with her went into Dave's place knowing he wasn't home to bang his bedroom ceiling under my bed. I'm not sure if this was the case, but like they have one problem after another, a main pipe broke today. We had no water for about 10 hours. Tomorrow will be the lawnmowers and if the next day isn't the parking lot sweepers, it'll be something else.

I have great news about the apartment, but I'll write about it later.

1:15 AM

God, I wish this cold would quit and give it up!

Right after I was kindly woken up, I paged Scott who called right back. He told me he found out I owed money on a $66 electric bill in MA. I never knew I had an outstanding bill with the electric company in MA, so obviously it was a fuck-up, thanks to fuel assistance.

I spoke with a really nice girl named Keri at the office who so kindly broke the rules to give me the information I needed. She said don't tell anyone cuz her manager would be upset. I'm going to write a check to the electric company and give it to Keri who's gonna mail it off for me. She'll photocopy the check for proof that I've cleared it up. I get a feeling that the girls in this office will all be as nice as Paula and Judy. I hope so.

I will be moving Thursday, Friday or Saturday and I called SRP and APS. APS is the electric company there and I must bring them a deposit of $117. Scott's helping me financially with the first month and I'll type for him.

Tomorrow I must call the phone company, as well as food stamps and SS. I already filled out a change of address form. My mail will go over there this Sat. He has a truck and people to help me move.

3/31/1993 Wed. 2:30 AM

I just had an awesome idea and believe me, I'll be one pissed puppy if it doesn't work. Well, I've been wanting very much to type in my journals here and there. Of course, I cannot fit the book into the roller, so I thought maybe I'd cut some pages out, then staple them, then glue or tape them back in, but that may be hard to do. Maybe what I could do instead, is type on other paper, cut to the size of the pages in here, then glue those in. Why not? It’d be something different for a change and that can't hurt. I've highlighted the entry dates of the first 20 journals. I also have a lot to tell, so I'll go cut paper and begin typing some stuff.

2:50 AM

I'm not gonna type too much after all cuz I'm getting very tired. Will I sleep? I don't know, but today I sure didn't sleep much. Those fucking lawnmowers! How nice it is to know that that's my last morning having to listen to that shit.

To pick up in order from where I left off, well, I was sure to knock on the door a few times here and there for the bitch next door. This is last night.

When I got up yesterday I called food stamps and told them of my new address. They're gonna send some stuff in the mail. I still need to call SS and some of my friends to let them have my new phone number. The 863 prefix is the same one Bob had in Turners Falls. I tried to get the last 4 digits to be 1994, but I was told that if she had it, it'd be considered a custom number and that there'd be a charge for it, so I forgot about it. I know good things are going to happen in ’94.

I called to let Tammy know my new address and number and Bill answered. He was all giggly and happy about who knows what, then he jokingly calls out, "Hey Tammy, the stripper's on!"

I got this kit in the mail under a phony name. It's got lots of colored photos and all kinds of animals and stories about them. I also got a Passover card in the mail from mom and dad.

I went over at one point to pick up Andy's laundry and he was on the phone long distance. I was a bit annoyed cuz he said he had it ready, so I slammed my way out of his place and back into mine. Next door oughta have loved that as I knew she was in bed and her lights were off and her truck was outside.

The next minute my phone rang and I expected it to be Andy. I said, "What! I thought you were gonna stick it in the door and I'd just quickly come in and grab it and then you could go back to your phone call."

It was dad saying something about sticking something somewhere. I was cracking up cuz I wasn't expecting a call from him. I did leave them a message, but they're not usually up at 12:30 (their time). I talked to both of them, and yes, ma acted like the fight we had over the phone never happened. I gave them the number and address.

After that, I went over to get his laundry and I made really sure to slam my way in and out of here.

Andy was up later than he thought he'd be and he called me with a great idea. An apartment complex has a maintenance number to call where you punch in your number, so I punched in Andi's. I also knocked really loud and clear at 1:30. Even Andy could hear that real well. He could hear it through the walls as well as through the phone.

Scott stopped up earlier but only for a second. He was in the truck that's gonna move me which is a huge pickup. One of his employees was driving and he'll be helping with the move. I'll probably be moving this weekend.

I had a nice, yet strange conversation with Keri today at Crystal Creek, but I'll write about it another time.

My folks didn't have too many questions about the new apartment, as happy as I know they are for me. It sounds like Tammy told them about it. I left a message saying it was a 900-square-foot, 2-bedroom/1-bath but they never asked me how much the rent was.

I'm gonna listen to music now and try my damnedest to fall asleep. I'll expand on other little things some other time.


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