Where Pelicans Fly
January 1993 (1)
1/1/1993 Fri. 5:17 AM
Well, another year has gone by and now begun. Another year I have improved, and my life has improved in so many different ways, but at the same time, I'm still nowhere and nobody.
So I've written during, 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992 and 1993. Seven different years, even though I've only written for 5 years and 2 months and 5 days. On Jan. 8th, it'll be 2000 days.
Been out on my own for 7 years and 1 month on January 3rd.
Well, I have to get Lisa a B-Day card. She'll be 10 on the 20th. I'll send her $10, too.
I'm sure that in 1993, I won’t have sex. Well, maybe, and I mean just maybe, I'll have sex, but never will I ever have lust. Never will experience lust like with Ann Marie, let alone the ultimate lust.
I called Susie who told me to call her at Dennis's at a certain time. I did, but she says she'll contact me when she's sorted through everything. She asked me if I want the matching chair that Andy didn't take. I have no room for it so I called and asked Alana if she wanted it. She said yes and Kara came and got it. I gave her money for cigarettes for both of us.
My checks must've come in later yesterday. Kara's going to be getting hers soon.
We crimped each other’s hair.
Sometimes I wonder if I should beg and plead for God to send me some lust, but I know it'll do no good as we made a deal with Ann Marie. And I got two nights with her, not only one. It's also so much easier for me not to bother. After being alone so damn long, it's way too hard and awkward changing. Maybe in another 5-10 years, I could get another Ann Marie, but that'd mean I'd have to go to the bars, put personal ads in and get my head played with till I got lucky in 5-10 years. It's no longer worth all that. I believe I'm meant to be celibate for a long time, then maybe have "sex." I know God's keeping the deal, cuz if lust was in the cards he'd send it to me somehow knowing I'll never step foot in a bar again. There's a reason why I'm feminine and am attracted to feminine women and that's cuz I'm meant to be celibate and independent. Someday down the road, though, I'd like to (within reason) return to settling. I want to learn how to do that like most people can cuz that's life and reality.
Earlier I typed up a letter to Kim. I haven't heard from her in a while, so I hope she writes soon. Next, I'll write letters to Bob, my parents, my nieces and Tammy. I wonder if my parents and Tammy tried calling yesterday, but hung up before the machine came on.
I hope Dennis writes to me, but I doubt it. He said he doesn't like to write. He took off yesterday for Williams, but he's not too sure yet what he's gonna do. He may go live with an aunt in Washington D.C. Maybe work helping to rebuild after Hurricane Andrew in Florida. Or work with some guy he knows on a ranch in Venezuela. I gave him an address label and told him to get in touch with me when he knows what he's gonna do.
Andy and Kara left me messages wishing me a happy new year. Kara said to call her in the morning.
Since we could never program channel 3 into my VCR, I taped Hard Rock Cafe in New York. It was nothing spectacular, but I really wanted to tape Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve. They showed a little bit of Times Square and it was snowing pretty hard. Through the fireworks, I could see the snow. I also could tell it was bitter freezing cold cuz I could see people's breath in the air very well.
I guess I really haven't made any new year's resolutions any more than I made any birthday wishes. My last remaining wishes just cannot come true. I just wish I wanted some other career as badly as I wanted to be a singer. I also wish I could quit smoking and be madly attracted to butches. All this sure would make my life near perfect. I guess God's got to leave each of us with a few things we can never have or ever do.
I sang softly earlier and later on I'll belt it out. Then Andi can listen to me for a change.
I put up two Gloria posters, but soon I'll be trashing them along with 95% of my collection. My mom has already trashed about 60% of my collection. Once I get my other guitar and see that my pictures aren't in the case, I'll be sure to trash all but a few I've got here. I just don't want half of my collection. I want all of it or none of it.
Today I may also color my posters and edit tapes.
1/7/1993 Thurs. 4:09 PM
I cannot believe all that's happened to me. I have so much to tell. I am like oh my God, oh my God! I am still in such shock, but it feels so good. Yesterday evening I auditioned at Sha Na Na's and got hired as an exotic dancer! I'm working Wed., Thurs., Sat., and Sun. I believe these will be my regular working days.
I have so much to write about that and many other things, but soon I must get ready for work.
Got a package from my parents with hangers, a denim skirt, a denim jacket, a flannel shirt, and a troll key chain.
1/15/1993 Fri. 8:17 PM
The longer I put off everything, the harder it'll be to catch up, so I'd better get on with it. Andy, Kara and I went to Sha Na Na's which is only 10 minutes away on the night of the 6th of January Kara and I both filled out applications. She wasn't granted an audition, but I was lucky and got one. They have 3 round stages and I did a song on 2 of them (2 songs) and miraculously I wasn't one bit nervous. I got $18 just to do 2 songs. Some tips were even from the other dancers!
Before going on stage, Dave (a close friend of the owner who hired me), took me back into the dressing room. The dancers were so supportive and helpful and still are. They broke me in on some of the rules. You can move your hand by your privates but not touch them. You can't do anything that simulates a sexual act. The law is you must put latex on your nipples. It itches at first, but it peels off easily.
So far, all the dancers, bartenders, bouncers and the DJ are cool. I basically keep to myself somewhat, but most of these girls are bi. I was shocked at how many are bi and some know I'm gay and my future goal is to save up enough money to cut a demo. This is all they know, but they don't know my background. Dancers are very liberal and open-minded. I figured there'd be bi women there. None just gay as Dave would never hire an ugly butch.
It doesn't have this competitive feeling there. It does feel like a tight group and everyone helps each other.
Of course, the guys can tip as much as they want, but they can't give you change. They don’t have to give us anything for a stage dance, but it’s $5 for a table dance. A table dance is one-to-one wherever the guy's sitting. On stage, you're dancing for everyone. You put your money in your G-string or stockings.
My permanent schedule is Sat., Sun., Wed. and Thurs. from 6 PM-1 AM. We are to be there at 6:00 as the day shift finishes up, then we begin at 6:30. I've worked 5 days so far. My first 3 days I got $65. On the fourth day, I got $126 and the last $84!
My first 3 days, Kara came up and rode back with me in a cab. Once I felt secure, I was on my own. I've even got two regular drivers. I feel very safe during and after work. The bouncers will throw out anyone who tries to touch us.
One of my regular drivers on the way home is John. He once worked there as a bouncer and he may be going back. Or be a cop, corrections officer or personal bodyguard. He's flat-rated me $5 and given me his cab & ID number. Also, he gave me the cab number & ID number of the guy who he leases the cab from named Lou who drives in the day. Andy will usually drive me in. If not, I can try Rick (Kara's dad) or call Lou. I've never met Lou, but John told him I may or may not need him tomorrow. I never need to call John when I'm done. He's there automatically at 1:00 and he watches me till I get in here.
At the end of the night, my feet hurt, but I'm getting used to it. After my first night, my legs were killing me, but now they're fine.
They now have a shoe repair service at the office and I'll either have my black 2" heels fixed there or buy new 5" heels. The bottom of one of my heels broke off. It only costs $5, but it can't be done until Feb. 4th.
I've told Stacey, Paula and Judy about my new job and they were all so psyched for me. Even Stacey. I am totally psyched! It feels great to finally have a job I love and to be making great money. My future goal is to save up enough money to cut a demo as I said. The only alternative to sleeping my way there is to buy my way in.
The DJ's name is Andy and he looks like a dark-haired, longer-haired, thicker-haired version of Jai. He also wears the same John Lennon glasses. He's a bass player and he looks like one, too.
The bartenders on my shift are Larry and Greg.
There are 3 bouncers, but I can only remember Dave's name. Usually 2 work, but on weekends all 3 work.
Some of the dancers’ names on my shift are Stormy, Brandy, Shelby, Ruby, Christine, Joy, Maya, Jenna, Corey, Keri, Rena, Crystal, and that's all I can remember right now even though there are more.
There were these two girls Sarah and Jodi that got fired. Jodi was bi and hot. There's Nadia too, and she's hot.
Some girls use their real names and some have stage names. Mine's Mystery.
Maya, another dancer is bi, and with makeup on and nice clothes, she's OK. She said she has a boyfriend, but they like to stray. I told her I like that idea so no one puts strings on me. She took my number but told me she's not looking to stray right now. This is typical, but then I realized this is for the better cuz we work together.
The night I began working, Kara said she felt lust in two weeks, but I don't. My top priority is the job now.
I may have forgotten to mention this, but I wrote personal ads to two bars, figuring I'd send them to the apartment below me which is still vacant. I sent it under the name Ashley so that if anyone called asking for that name, I'd know it was from the bar. Then, this feeling came on that it'd get lost in the mail or whatever, but mainly that I'd get no calls. I've gotten no calls, but with this job, I barely have time to have any good laughs. I do have enough free time, though, still.
After dancing all night, it's easier to fall asleep. This job does knock you on your ass when your shift is over.
First shift goes from noon - 6:30 PM.
Andy will be calling around midnight to come over and play cards.
I was just watching Charlie's Angels. I've dreamed of them bringing that show back and they did on a cable channel. So, Andy, who has cable, tapes it the 5 days a week it's on.
There are a few women who sell exotic costumes down at the club like, lingerie, stockings, garters and G-strings. They bring their stuff into the dressing room. They've got awesome stuff at awesome prices. At a place like Frederick's of Hollywood, this stuff would cost double, if not triple.
I'll write more later cuz I think Andy's about to call.
1/17/1993 Sun. 2:03 AM
Just got off work an hour ago and I'm beat. My feet are always sore by 11:00.
At first, I panicked, wondering if I'd get in on time. Lou got lost, but he finally got here and got me there just in time.
I made between $90-$100. I can't tell exactly cuz I mixed other money with tonight's money.
Last night I gave Andy $55 to get some CDs of Linda's. Soon I'm gonna order this instrumental CD through the mail.
I finally got that Bedazzeler kit in the mail and I had a blast with it for 4 hours. I did my suede fringed coat, my black leather shoes, shirts, skirts and shorts.
Mom sent 2 packages. She sent a denim skirt and jacket. I really like the jacket. She also sent a flannel shirt I don't care for. She sent another troll doll key chain, a ceramic elephant, another toy piano, and a puzzle. I gave the puzzle and piano to Ashley. She sent 2 bags of lemon-honey cough drops (yuck). I gave one to Kara and one to Andy. I also gave Andy these 2’ long green plastic palm trees. You blow them up like a raft and they have suction cups on them so you can stick them in your window. I gave them to Andy cuz they kept falling down.
Mom also sent hangers and 3 pairs of shoes. One was white sneakers with little diamonds. They were too small, and they looked too much like a nurse's shoes. The second pair was kind of geeky, yet kind of OK. They were denim. The third pair I gave to Velma to give away to some girl. I don't do moccasins and that’s what they were.
I still have so much catching up to do with my journal writing (among other shit), but forget it. I'm beat. I must continue tomorrow.
1/18/1993 Mon. 10:40 PM
Kara is here right now. I still have lots of updating to do (naturally). We are now listening to a recent tape of Nervous, Fran and I.
I just showed Kara this amazing, shocking and ironic fortune I got out of a fortune cookie. I ordered Chinese food a few nights ago and one of the fortune cookies said: You will never need to worry about a steady income. What a trip, huh?
Kara has spoken with Nervous and Fran. Nervous sent back my pictures. Nervous and I have had some good talks, but Fran's been trying hopelessly to call me. Of course, every time he calls, I'm not home or asleep. I haven't heard from Bob since the very beginning of January. I wonder where he is. Did he lose his phone? Is he on his way here?
Earlier, Andy left for Vegas. He'll be back Wednesday night. Originally, his sister and nephew were coming out from the 23rd to the 26th, but now they'll be here at the end of Feb. I was gonna stay in a cheap motel so Andy could sleep in my bed and I wouldn't have to get up when his nephew decides to go berserk. I'll look into one for Feb.
1/19/1993 Tues. 1:06 AM
Now I am gonna finish my updating once and for all. I spoke to Tammy on the night of the 6th right before I went to go audition. She's been very supportive and knows she can trust my judgment. She knows I would not get into a bad situation. One can do this job and still value and respect themselves. I believe sexuality's a fact of life and I'd rather see a guy go here to get his jollies off, rather than go rape a woman or go to a hooker and continue spreading AIDS. Hookers I have no respect for. I feel sorry for them. Just one year ago or less I sure never thought I'd be doing this. Especially years ago when I did hate myself and was ashamed of my body. I'm never nervous or self-conscious, but I am aware that I still do have some never-ending flaws. Tammy also knows I can't settle for anything and that I need to save up for a demo. In the meantime, this sure beats housekeeping, babysitting or someplace like McDonald's.
Since I've begun work, I've made about $650. I've put out money to get started on G-strings, stockings and other outfits. Brandy's gonna be selling me a dress she doesn't want. There's other shit to pay, too. A $10 bar tip, $3 tax, a buck to each of the 2-3 bouncers, food and cab fare.
I'd like to get new 5" heels which I hope to hell I can learn to walk in or get my 2" heels fixed. Maybe I'll get a belly belt. A lady who sells and makes exotic costumes is to be bringing in a $10 black wrap that's so cool. So far I've gotten two black G-strings. I also have a flowered 1-piece outfit that glows so well on stage cuz of the lighting. Then I have another blue 1-piece with silver studs on it. I also have a gorgeous skin-tight red dress a dancer sold me. It's plain red with a tank top kind of top. It's cut way low in back. I also have a maroon silk bra with black lace.
I borrowed a G-string and top. This was lent to me on my first night, but I have not seen this girl yet to return this to her. It's nothing spectacular either.
We can take everything off, except the G-string. It's illegal here to strip all the way. This is why my proper title isn't a stripper. I can be called an exotic dancer, topless dancer or a go-go-girl, but I prefer exotic dancer.
I just called the radio station to request For You by the Outfields. I hope they play it cuz I want to record it till I buy the single. There's another one too, I'm listening for, but I don't know its title or artist.
I told Tammy last August that I sensed that January would be their best month financially and I was right in two ways. One is that they got their $55,000 settlement from their car accident in 1989. They're gonna add onto their house. Also, I'll be helping them out when I can.
The package Tammy sent out was returned cuz the box fell apart. She re-sent it so I should get it any day now.
She asked if she could tell mom and dad what I'm doing. I said OK. After she told them she said they think it's disgusting but they respect my opinion and want me to respect theirs. Fine.
I sent Tammy a letter and helped her with the "asshole" drawing (she tried to draw a picture of an ass, so I drew one for her).
I also told her about a hilarious little trick I played on these people in FL who sent a letter to a Dan Haney that ended up in my mailbox. They mentioned someone named Claudia, having to have hemorrhoid surgery, etc. I wrote back (as Dan) and informed them that me and my boyfriend were fucking happily, Claudia can claw her pussy, sorry about your ass surgery, have Bill screw it, and all kinds of mumbo-jumbo. I'll have to call FL information to see if I can call them and ask if they've heard from Dan. Until I get my blocks lifted, I can call long-distance from Andy's phone and easily pay him.
This feels so weird, yet great. I look at a $30 dress and out of habit, I think I can't afford it. Then I realize I can! I can turn my heat up, leave lights on and buy all the food I want, and have food delivered. When my lease is up I want to check out a 2-bedroom. Buy more furniture for the extra room. Maybe get a bigger, more powerful microwave. Blow a few hundred in the mall here and there.
I gave $55 to Andy to pick up some old CDs of Linda's, but he never got the chance. Maybe when he comes home we can do this together. I also want to go clothes shopping at the Merry-Go-Round.
Earlier I gave Kara $25 to get 3 journals as she's going to the mall tomorrow really early before I wake up. She's got a great memory, so she'll never buy one I already have.
She so quickly and easily put in my new paper towel holder I got at Fry's.
John and she may be dating and they each have daughters and other things in common. She and Ashley came over here and I paged him and he came over. He brought us to Fry's and was gonna wait in his cab, but after 10 minutes, he came in and joined us. So far, he's really cool and we had a cool and funny time. Kara and I were cracking up as we were spraying different room deodorizers all over. Due to my allergies, I must get a mild scent and I was spraying them in different directions so I wouldn't mix them. I commented on how one was really nice and she asked where and was sniffing all over just as this woman came through the aisle. She gave us a very strange look.
I bought her a beer glass, then I realized I could afford to buy a broom and not have to borrow Andy's anymore. I also got a huge laundry basket as I'm sick of the laundry bag. I got a dustpan that snaps right onto the broom handle. I also got hot oil treatments for my hair, sinus meds, envelopes with roses on them and Band-Aids for any blisters I get from dancing. And food, of course.
I also got these silver, gold, blue, green and red foil star stickers to decorate journals and letters with.
The radio played the song I requested, and I recorded it. They must have caller ID which shows people's names and numbers cuz the DJ said, "Jodi in Phoenix, thanks for tuning in with us."
So, after I almost rammed John with the broom handle in the balls accidentally, he got to see the place, then he took Kara home. I gave him $5 even though he never ran his meter.
In the store, we were checking out CDs and tapes. John asked if we'd believe Rod Stewart was his cousin. Well, I don't see why he'd lie about that, and the eyes were very similar.
Andy, Kara and I went to K-Mart on the 5th. Andy got a $14 rayon shirt. I got 2 pairs of bright shiny gold and black underwear with thin straps on the sides. Plus, a flowered matching set of cotton panties with a half-shirt. Then I got 8 different colored pens which I've been writing with. Blue, green, maroon, purple, pink, orange, aqua and red. Plus I got a pad of unlined paper with colors of deep purple, red, yellow and turquoise.
Right after I was hired at Sha Na Na's, I ran into Tara in the laundry room. She was so psyched for me. I was also laughing at the fact that she had the same pair of gold and black panties I just bought.
I called Tonya to thank her so much for the idea of dancing. I never would've thought of it and now I know why we were meant to meet.
1/20/1993 Wed. 2:08 AM
Today’s Lisa's birthday. She is now 10. I sent her a card and $10. I cannot believe she has not written since last August, but it's true.
Before I listen to music and try falling asleep, I'll just do a quick update.
I never liked the doctor that Access assigned me to. I have to call them and see if I can see anyone else (a woman?). Antibiotics can cause yeast infections like they did with me. I got sick of being congested, and the itching, discharging and being bloated from the yeast infection, so at 4 AM yesterday I called John. I figured the ER would be dead at that hour and it pretty much was. I went in as an urgent case, but not an emergency. If it were an all-out deadly life-threatening attack, I'd have called an ambulance as I wouldn't have had the 20 minutes for John to take me. St. Joe's is 20 minutes away. I was afraid to put it off any longer knowing it could easily escalate to an emergency and a bad attack where I'd have to call the ambulance. I was fortunate enough to have a woman doctor that night. She was kind and gentle and I was given two breathing treatments as well as an antibiotic, two creams for downstairs and a refill on my Theodur.
John, who also has asthma was very understanding. He waited the two hours I was there, then drove me home. Tomorrow after work, John's gonna stop with me so I can fill these prescriptions at a 24-hour drugstore.
I wrote two letters to Kim and I have one to mail out to Fran. I spoke briefly with Tammy and Lisa earlier. They're doing OK. I'm gonna be helping Tammy financially.
Tomorrow I must polish my nails and perhaps Tammy's package will arrive. I sure do hope so. I'm curious as to what she sent me.