2019-09-12 06:38:18 (UTC)


so i keep thinking, maybe i should quit the same old habits that have been dragging me down for a while. but that would require making fundamental changes i don't believe i'm ready to make yet. logically, the solution would be to start small. break it down into more manageable chunks, as i constantly advise everyone around me to do when they procrastinate or complain about a problem. but this is...stubborn. i know i want to quit. and maybe some part of me is addicted. i hate to acknowledge the truths like that, but i know i have to at some point.
i ordered a new iphone for myself and for my sister. my parents were annoying about it. but i shouldn't have gotten the iphone xr for her as well. i should've started her with my iphone 8. but maybe she will be extra careful with it. and if this case doesn't come with it then she's gonna get one before i give it to her. thankfully there's a lot of time between now and when i can visit chicago again. i miss being around good company. and for some reason, the other peeps i met living in 1414 ain't so bad. i really do enjoy their company and they're usually not afraid to be cuddly or absurd. that's my people. that's my people for sure.
i have to slow down with major purchases. i've gotten my jostens ring replacement but that won't ship until 8 weeks. i want it so badly. and i haven't been eating right. weed is making me lazy again. confronting a lot of harsh truths about myself recently and now. i need to slow down lol. but a new iphone, a new ring, pay days coming, time to is good. i can do what i need to do. and i have today off thankfully. it's been a great 4 day break. nurses have the best schedules. and i'm not exactly repulsed by working anymore. though being around people can be fatiguing if i'm not careful. and i've been listening to chill music and smoking with kaylan these past days. they haven't been so bad but i hate my nose starts to close up. i probably need to start spacing out my weed usage. ugh. i feel overwhelmed with the changes i have to make to pull myself out of a rut. but it all requires me to jump forward out of this shell that i've been lugging around for a while, this decrease in energy that makes me not wanna do anything at all.
it's 6:52am. lupe's probably gone now. the sun is coming up. my room is a mess. the foot massager looks nice. the air is dry, and so is my mouth. i took two gigantic hits off the pen. this music is sending me to another wavelength. and i haven't played smash yet which is sad considering i've been high this whole time tonight. also the good place is amazing. it's actually hilarious and janet is a boss. life is good right about now. i should probably get a haircut soon. this hair removal cream was no good for my ass. would not recommend nad's. but i hate shaving.
these tattoos of the sun and moon make me feel powerful. make me feel like hassan was someone worth loving. because lately i've been questioning that a lot. each time he says i'm putting him on a pedestal. but maybe he deserved to be on that pedestal. or maybe he feels guilty of doing something and telling me how i should feel about him. i don't care who he sleeps with. if i see him again, he's mine. and that's all there is to it. love is fleeting. i have to grab on when i can. though it's not exactly ideal to go to saudi. the temperature is hell over there. and i need so much sun screen. it's very likely i will never see him again. much like how i don't see a lot of people who matter to me regularly, and that does make me sad.i understand the circumstances a bit though.
i've stopped praying. maybe i should get another tattoo. my life is odd now. my face feels like it swells more often. maybe because i'm sleeping such odd hours. i might take a nap now. and when i wake up, i will hopefully have a new iphone that will be mine. it was shipped yesterday, so for the love of god, give me a phone i can use. anyway, woebot is going to rewire my head a little more now. mental filters suck. see you soon or somethin.