Lost sight of a picture never taken
Lost art of keeping a secret
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So this is where it all began, all those years ago. When I had no one to turn to and no-where to go.
I tried to find my original diary, tried to find any of them, but I must have deleted them all instead of making them private. It was probably the only way I could lock it all down, especially as I didn’t appear to be able to keep out the people that didn’t belong.
Truth be told, I don’t remember what I did, but I won’t go into why. It’s just a shame that I can’t see it all again. Nothing to do with the bad, but it would have been nice to flip through for the glimpses of good.
It’s the trouble with spending so long faceless, a chameleon. You learn over the years to change who you are, manipulate yourself and do what you need to do to stop people seeing inside. I learnt it wasn’t about shutting people out, it was about guiding them around the bits they wanted to see. People aren’t interested in seeing in the dark, they just want to know something’s inside. There are some exceptions, but they’re hard to come by.
If I could go back and talk to a younger me, I’d guide my life a little differently. There are lessons learnt through the years that would have changed the path of my life. But I guess everyone can say that. It certainly doesn’t mean I’d be any different inside... but then who sees in there nowadays?
Really no-one does, the darkness is for me to get lost in. Which is ironic because the darkness is where I can really be myself, although that’s becoming harder by the day.
I don’t know if I can let this diary be public, but it’ll stay that way for a while and I’ll see what happens. For their sake I hope no-one finds it. For their sake, I hope they’ve forgotten me.
I locked up when I left, but the keys around your neck...
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