Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
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Ezoic
1992-12-29 23:31:18 (UTC)

December 1992 (second half)

12/18/1992 Fri. 2:06 AM

I've been slacking off on my writing and I do have a lot to write about. However, I can't get in the mood right now. Most of what's been going on isn't too good, I'm sorry to say. Maybe tomorrow, after the tenth time maintenance wakes me up from downstairs I'll write. Never have I been happier about the weekend being right around the corner. Perhaps then I can get up when I want to.

12/19/1992 Sat. 4 AM

I have a million things to write about. I may as well get on with it now. The longer I put it off the more I'll have to update. The little things, I may forget. Out of all I have to write about, there's only one horrible thing. Well, two actually. Last Tuesday I awoke to maintenance slamming the door below me. This was the only time it was a big favor as I was wheezing very badly. I figured, "OK - I'm in Arizona. I'll be fine after I've taken my meds and had coffee." But no fucking way. I knew this attack was too much for me to fight. From the time I called 911 till the ambulance came, I thought I was gonna die. It was horrible and scary as all hell. They gave me an updraft and brought me to St. Joe’s, which was 20 minutes away. I never realized it was that far.

I was so mad, upset and frustrated. I had gone all this time since I was taken into Natchaug.

The previous night at 3 AM, Rachel had the ambulance here. She probably had an anxiety attack. I thought to myself, "This may be cruel, but thank God they're not here for me." Nine hours later I was made to eat my words. I was really bummed out, but like the nurses and doctors said, this is a very bad time for all the asthmatics. The nurse said that there's no place where I'd never have any problems. I told her I was in the ER 2-3 or more times a month back east. She said she could see it being worse there, but here it'll only be around this time of year. I sure do hope so and I actually do miss the summer.

Of all the times to need a ride, I couldn't reach anyone. Andy was off, but he was out having work done on his car. Dennis wasn't home and Tara was on her way to work and Tonya wasn't home. Finally, after 5 hours I got ahold of Andy.

While I was there, I was chatting with a beautiful girl named Pam. I gave her my phone number, but I know she'll never call. Jennifer will never call either, but I'll get to her later.

12/20/1992 Sun. midnight

Now I will finish my updating on all that has been going on. Remember how I said I sent $23.95 to The Bedazzeler? Well, my check's been lost in the mail somehow. That was this kit with colored stones that you staple onto your clothes. Tammy made a good suggestion, though. She said to look for it in an art store where I may save $5 or so.

Good God, I'm fucking freezing! Two seconds after the heat turns off it's so chilly in here. The day Gordy fixed my hot water tank, he put foam installation around my doorframe. Look how much it helps.

I've written several letters, but I still have more to go. Last night I did some more editing. They were good, too. They were of Nervous. I've got many other people and many other tapes to edit, but I must go in order so I don't get confused and get everything all mixed up.

I was pissed at Andy for erasing the 6 messages with edits I left him. He said he doesn't have time in the morning to hear 20 minutes’ worth of stuff. No shit, but why didn't he save it?

I've been erasing certain messages he's left, but for entirely different reasons. He sings on my machine, which is fine once in a while, but when it's constant I get sick of it. It's boring and he's got to come up with something new and original, or just talk. The edits are always different. I never leave him the same edits over and over. His singing's always the same and it's the same Stevie stuff, stuff I don't like, or stuff I don't know.

I'm not too surprised that Steve never returned my letter or called. I am a little surprised that Cassandra has never called or written.

I've seen Dennis a few times since Bea died. He's holding up OK. He's not sure if he's gonna stay in Phoenix or move elsewhere.

I haven't written yet about Dec 6th. I looked in the Sunday paper and there was the perfect ad. It said, "Indoor, all black, neutered & declawed cat - free to good home. Shots, papers, litter box trained, 4½ years old."

Me and Dennis went to this gorgeous girl's house to get the cat. He was gorgeous. All black with medium-length hair. Now here's the sad part. He turned out to be just like that little kitten I had to dump. He'd sleep all day, be all lovey-dovey through the evening, then scream from midnight till dawn. It drove me crazy and kept me up when I would've been able to sleep. Luckily, I was able to call this girl (Julie) and she came to take the cat back. I figured 3 strikes, I'm out and a cat isn't meant to be right now. Moon Shadow was stolen, the kitten screamed all night and this cat did, too. I can't have an indoor or outdoor cat. The outdoor one will be stolen and the indoor one will scream.

12:30 AM

I just took a little break to make 3 scrambled eggs. Yum-yum and great for the cholesterol. But I've never had a problem with that so far. I'm cursed with other stuff.

Well, I know the security guard's patrolling around as I just heard the walkie-talkie. I wish Dave were still here, but he's been promoted. Weird too, as he was definitely drinking on the job.

I sure don't miss Ellie. Despite the few good and funny talks and laughs we had, she sure was a backstabbing, delusional wimp and a psycho. She always has 10 emotional and 10 physical problems a day like Bob, but at least Bob's no backstabber. Bob also isn't sweet, friendly and giggling one minute, then furious the next over something pretty or something untrue. She, Robert, Mark, Donna, Rosemarie and Rick can all go fuck themselves.

So far, Stacey's stayed off my back since she pulled her bullshit on me. But there's been more anxiety and anger hanging around than I thought there'd be. Every day I drool over the thought of running into that office and mauling the shit out of her. Every day I must restrain myself from doing so. At first, I decided I would whenever I moved if she were still here. But I can't cuz she can always find out where I moved to and haul my ass into court. Bummer, huh? But an asshole like this is bound to be fired or resign, hopefully, upon realizing just how many people she's pissed off.

I was thinking of having Kara do me a little favor. Stacey's never heard Kara's voice so maybe she can call and say, "I just spoke to your boss. Me and my husband are tired of your harassment, so pack up your desk cuz you're about to be out of a job." She'll be worried and confused, trying to figure out who the hell it could be.

At least I've never had problems with Judy or Paula.

The asthma attack was the worst news. Now I'll get to the one other thing that wasn't funny at all. I had gone into the hospital at 12:30 PM and come home around 6 PM. Even though I was beat and a major attack like that will wipe you out, I couldn't sleep due to all the meds they gave me. Theodur and all the other stuff really winds you up. I couldn't fall asleep till 4 AM, but I figured that was fine cuz I had no place I had to be the next day. I had a feeling for some time now that I'm just not meant to sleep half the time when I want to and get up when I want. I said, "God, if you care about me at all, please let me get the sleep I so desperately need." Sure enough, at 10:30 AM Everett knocked on my door. I said, "This better be good," and I explained to him what happened the previous day. He said there may be a leak in my toilet or overflow system in the bathtub. I insisted there was no leak and that my floor in the bathroom was dry. He left and every 15 minutes till 2 PM they were banging the fuck out of the bathroom ceiling below me. At 12:30 PM Mike came up saying the wax ring broke and I couldn't see the leak as it was between my floor and the downstairs ceiling. He said he'd be back at 2 PM and before he explained all this I went off on him. I said I didn't want them guys here unless I filled out a work order.

The attack happened on the 15th. This happened on the 16th. At 2 PM, the knock on the door came that I so unfortunately expected. Guess who Mike and Everett had escorting them? None other than sweet little Stacey. When I opened the door they were standing halfway down the stairs just like Ellie was. If I'd been more with it I'd have fallen to the floor laughing. Stacey just said, "Hi, Jodi."

I told them all what had happened to me, Stacey left, the guys did their thing, then left me the fuck alone. Leave it to God to leave it to me to have this happen on a day when I feel the absolute shittiest.

The next night I also fell asleep at 4 AM fearing I'd be woken up at 8 AM and get sick or feel like shit. They didn't wake me up till 1 PM when they slammed or banged something. At least they let me sleep 9 hours even though I woke up here and there in between but I always do anyway. Friday, Saturday and today nothing woke me up. Maybe I'll sleep OK this week, then with my luck it'll be one thing after another the next week and it'll just go back and forth like that.

Why do I have a feeling that all they're doing down there isn't all legit problems? I feel that after they've taken care of legit stuff, they'll be down there anyway. Per orders of Stacey when they're not busy with legit stuff. This is perfect for her to use against me with nothing I can do about it. She knows my schedule and a lot of my moves, remember? Even though Kara and I combed these vents and found nothing, people are weird. I wouldn't be surprised if she set something up without my knowledge as technology's amazing and a little frightening these days. If they have the money, means, manpower and curiosity, you never do know just how far people will go. There was once a time Gordy knocked 4 times. I never answered cuz I didn't know who the hell it was and he woke me up and I was bushed. Then 15 minutes later he knocked again and yelled, "Hey, Jodi are you in there? It's Gordy." It was all as if he was so sure I was in there. How'd he know? They've seen me up and about at all different hours and leaving the property. How'd he know I wasn't out?

2:10 AM

I just stopped to make coffee and Andy called a half-hour ago to say good night.

There were 3 Christmas cards on top of the mailboxes with no apartment number on them. One day Andy took two and the next day I took one. They were addressed to some guy. Two were from Houston and one was from Phoenix. I'm sending them to Nervous. I don't understand why Pete left them on top of the mailbox just cuz there was no apartment number. I've gotten mail with no apartment number put in my box. I also got returned to me a letter I sent Nerv saying there was 10¢ postage due cuz of irregular size. Irregular size my ass. I've sent thicker envelopes before. The other 5 made it to him OK I guess. There was a total of 6, believe it or not. There were tons of cards and letters and I could only put 2 to 3 in each envelope.

I've decided what I'm gonna do if my pictures don't come when my guitar comes. This will hurt for a while, but I'm gonna ditch certain pictures. I really do believe now, that my mom trashed them. That really pisses me off, but maybe it can become a favor for me in a weird way I won't get into now.

12/21/1992 Mon. 1:45 AM

An hour ago I began to feel tired, but as usual, I laid down only to wake up.

I wonder what maintenance will decide to do downstairs tomorrow.

I'm fucked at the end of this month. Andy's sister Marla is coming in for 4 days, which is fine. The bad catch to it is her 4-year-old son has to come along too, unfortunately. I'm gonna tell Andy he has a right to his own company, but it better not interfere with my peace. His guests are for his ears only.

Kara would let me stay with her, but I can't. How can I sleep with a baby there, let alone 3 adults?

I also made a rule that anyone who wakes me up is gonna get woken up in return. No matter what schedule they're on or I'm on. I got a right to my schedule as they do theirs.

Unless I get a package, I hope and pray I sleep OK this week.

Kara's been over several times a week. Our friendship's really grown and is a very good one. She's heard lots of tapes of edits and convos and they really crack her up. She's so much like me and Andy and I really need that. More so now as Andy's on a day schedule always and works full-time.

I've edited Kara a little and Andy did a very funny favor for her the other day. He called Brian, a guy she slept with a few times, but turned out to be a flaky, undependable drunk. He hit on Brian who went off big time with another male and female friend. Before he did this I left some edits for him. Kara and I didn't know the girl's name and with all the names to guess, I said Rachel, which turned out to really be her name.

Kara met Tonya earlier. I called Tonya for some cigarettes when I woke up. I went over to get them and we chatted for a while. Then, I gave her money to pick me up two packs of smokes on her way back from the gym. Tonya also came over here today as I wanted to show her this killer outfit I got at the mall. I also wanted to show her the new chair I got, my plant that mom and dad sent and that wicker jug of silk flowers Jeff gave me. I also showed her my pictures that Tammy sent me back and basically my place, which has come a long way since I've been here.

I'd still kill for a 1-bedroom. I need the extra space (especially closet space).

I got that black lace skirt I wanted for some time now. It's got a solid black silk lining inside, then lace on the outside. I like this so I don't have to wear my black tights under it as I did with my all-lace skirt. I also bought an awesome camisole, which is pink and black.

I got a full-length mirror and a chair that's not a regular chair from the thrift shop. It's a round saucer-like thing on a wicker stand. There's a soft round cushion on it and you can even pull it off to lay on the floor or whatever. It was priced at $40, but I talked the guy down to $20. Andy once again said that if he needs to buy anything expensive, he's sending me in there.

I also donated all my 45s and albums. I better tape backup copies in case the originals get eaten up.

I'm not sure if I mentioned the glitter glue I got at the grocery store. I thought it was a glitter pen and it said, "glitter pen."

My parents called a few days ago and I told them how much I loved their cards. We talked about stuff in general, but I did not tell them about my attack. I told Tammy who called a few days after they did. Tammy and everyone else in the family have been very busy. She said they're putting together a Chanukah package for me. That's unexpected but nice. She also said she got a kick out of my joke in one of my letters. This is the joke:

Q: What do lesbians on a diet eat?
A: Jenny Craig.

She asked me what mom and dad said when I told them I got a phone. I wonder why she asked me that, but I didn't think to ask her. She liked the picture I sent her.

I wonder if mom and dad got the package I sent them with the geeky grandma clothes they sent down to my other apartment They never mentioned it and I forgot to ask. There's always so much to tell and ask that it's hard to keep track of everything. I do usually write notes, which I refer to when I write their letters.

Tonya and Tara are going home to Canyon City, Colorado for Christmas and she said she may need me to feed her two birds. It'd be nice if they were gone while Andy's sister and nephew are here so I could stay there.

I polished my nails blue last night. My parent’s favorite! Kara saw it and she really liked it, so I did hers, too.

I wonder just what's taking Nervous so long to send me back my pictures? I've always been able to trust him around my stuff. With money and anything. There's only one thing I'm pretty sure he stole and that's a pair of black bikini underwear. Brenda, I think, also stole two pairs and one of them she'd always say she liked. Luckily that's all she stole.

3:06 AM

I wish to hell it was summer again. I miss the outdoors, the pool and living on my patio. It feels like I'm back in MA during the night and early morning. They did say it's "amazingly cool," so that's cool. It's normally not this chilly, but I'm shocked just like Andy was his first winter here. Right after the heat turns off it's chilly in here. Like my dad said, where he is it's the warmest in the nation. The good thing about it is that it won't be long before it warms up again. Winter will be about 4 months, rather than 8-9.

I just hope I can tan somehow and not get sun poisoning. If I always have to wear sunscreen, I'll be forever cursed with being white. You can't tan with sunscreen. Another reason why I want summer to hurry up and return is due to the fact that my asthma should be much better. Since mid-Oct. it's been bad for all asthmatics.

I can't wait till my family can come see me. Dad said maybe in the summer. I told him he'd have to stay in a hotel. He agreed as they'll have the dogs. I figured they'd drive out, rather than fly. I wonder how Tammy, Bill and the girls will get out here? I guess they'll fly. I figure they can't take the added days to drive. Unless Tammy and Bill want to experience it for themselves and especially the girls. This way, they can all see more states besides Arizona.

4:06 AM

Well, I'm still wide awake, naturally. If I fall asleep around 6:00, believe it or not, I hope something does wake me up at 11:00 or so. I'd just have to stay up and hope I don't feel shitty. If I can back up my schedule a few hours each day, that'd be nice. I'd kind of like to be waking up early for a while so I can do more during the day. Maintenance or some other source will wake me up. Probably the lawnmowers. It'd be nice to get woken up by UPS at 11:00, but they usually don't come that early. I'm not expecting any packages so soon, anyway.

Well, it's going to be 62º today. The days are usually like beautiful spring days.

The day maintenance was here which was the day after my attack, I gave a few donations to the child protective services and food bank. All the maintenance guys, the housekeeper, Judy, Paula and Stacey were out collecting stuff. I felt it fair to do my share for two reasons. One was cuz my childhood was no bowl of cherries, two is cuz that food bank helped me while the food stamp people were busy taking me for a ride at first. I gave some extra drawing markers and some baked beans, which I don't really like.

Before doing so, I heard movement outside my door and when I went out to check there was a candy cane on my doorknob. Then, I saw Everett and the housekeeper (whose name I don't know) passing by with a shopping cart. Everett said he thought I was still asleep. I said I wish.

I should go wash my face, which is severely broken out now. I mean major zits.

I've done a lot of editing and gave Andy back one of his 100-minute tapes. I have half of one side of the second 100-minute tape to do. I also have his "best of calls" tape I promised long ago I'd edit. Lastly, I have several of my own to finally get edited.

Then I have two posters to color, letters to write and four 40-page stories to write. I'll be busy with all this for quite a while, but it's better than not having anything to do. Still, I need more than journal writing and letter writing.

Oh yeah. I just remembered another long put-off and forgotten project. A new Gloria medley, now that I've got all her stuff on CDs. I still don't have her Greatest Hits yet, but I will. I wish I had Linda's latest and all the songbooks ever put out of Linda and Gloria and all their tour books that were ever made.

I want my fucking pictures back. Why would my mom ditch them? What purpose is there for that? Cuz she thought to have them was childish or something? Well, that should be for me to decide and not her. They were my pictures.

12/25/1992 Fri. 2 AM

The last few days were not too cool. Especially the first 4 days of the week, but they're better today.

I had my second fight with Andy since I got here. He told me that for 4 days at the end of January his sister and nephew are gonna be here. I called and said on his machine that I was gonna try to find a place to stay. I don't really feel like staying here and listening to a 4-year-old kid bounce off the walls whether I'm awake or not. That part was OK for me to say, but then I'll admit my anxieties took me a little too far. I told him that if I went through 4 days of hell, I'd get him back for it. In my mind, getting back meant slamming my doors and banging shit all over. He called me, and naturally, he was all pissed and freaking out with paranoia and demanded his key back. He said, "Either get evicted or give me my key back." I laughed, reminding him he can’t just run to the office, say he's pissed at me, and demand I be evicted. The key thing was amusing too, as he's known me long enough and he knows well enough to know I'd never fuck up his place. With the exception of Ellie who was never my best friend and who did a severely raunchy thing, I have to be seriously provoked to do something that drastic. Or one would have to swing at me first or go after my stuff. He knows this very well, but it was something to do and to try to piss me off, but I knew where he was coming from. So he said banging and slamming things wouldn't accomplish anything, and he can't help the way his nephew is.

So I figured OK, he's right about that part, we all say stuff we shouldn't or didn't really mean, I went too far, let him call me when he's ready. So the next day I finished editing the second and 100-minute tape of his. I left a message saying I was gonna leave his unfucked up tape outside his door and I did. I returned his key the previous day.

I figured he would never call for me to do his laundry. If he did, I'd have let him know how much of a nerve he's got. If he can't trust me in his apartment, how can he trust me with his laundry? He did do his own laundry, then the final straw and the last shit to hit the fan was the next day, which would be yesterday. I stayed up till noon, so I could sleep later. I needed to sleep until 8 PM at least. Sure enough, though, at 5 PM he was slamming the fuck away in his bathroom. That was it. I was ripped shitting pissed. My heart was beating so hard and so fast. I was so damn exhausted and I felt like total shit.

I left him a message as he'd not dare ever leave his ringer on. I told him I started the first little dispute, but this one he instigated. I don't know what the fuck set him off, I said, but as long as he was to play this game, I'd play right along.

Kara came over and I was telling her all about it, then I slammed my doors for quite a while. After he'd gone to sleep, I was gonna slam my doors but figured he'd have a hard enough of a time sleeping cuz of the anxiety of wondering if I was gonna slam doors. I stopped the door slamming around 10:00 and figured that was maybe enough to scare the message into him.

I then called to leave another message. I told him I cannot physically handle the stress anymore and that I need to sleep. If he lays off of me, I'll lay off of him.

So earlier (Christmas Eve) we spoke. I asked if he remembered our agreement, which was that neither of us would wake the other up if we got into a fight. He also told me slamming doors wouldn't accomplish anything, so why does it accomplish anything for him? Especially after two days, you'd think the steam would be cooling off. I apologized for some things I said, but let him know that what he did wouldn't cut it as I have a major sleeping disorder. I'm hyper and my meds make it worse. It accelerates my heart making me a light sleeper along with being scarred from the projects. I used to be able to function occasionally on a few hours of sleep, but I just can't do that anymore without feeling shitty. I told him, though, that now knowing how the building is, I would always be a day person if I had my way. Thank fucking God the building's not like the NHA.

Andy was telling me how everywhere I've gone, there's been a problem. True, but that's life. Every living place and job has its good and bad. Some more good, some more bad, some all good, some all bad. I’m also beginning to suspect that God may’ve put a curse on me as far as noise and shit neighbors go, beginning with the NHA. Nonetheless, it never was my fault that Woodside Terrace and Locust St. got so bad. It never was my fault Kim abandoned me. It never was my fault Tammy and I were told the NHA was quiet. It was never my fault the walls of the NHA were paper-thin and it was infested outside with 10,000 screaming kids.

I reminded him that there's always a problem at each of his jobs. He had problems with the people up above him on Belmont Ave. in Springfield He had problems renting a room with some woman named Gail. He had problems with Donna and Diana and other people when he first got here. In his first apartment here the neighbors below him bitched about his nephew. And besides me, he's had problems and complaints about this building. The people that used to live next to him and Rachel and Tony always slamming their doors. Whether or not all these problems were none, partially, or all his fault, this is just life.

So I said all I had to say and told him I didn't feel like fighting with him or anyone else for that matter. He agreed and we dropped it.

4:44 AM

At around 9 AM yesterday morning I went to get a package from Fingerhut I'd forgotten all about. It was full of Tupperware and it also had a key rack that I already got from them when I was in S. Dfld.

Andy came over at 8:30, an hour and a half after I got up, and I gave him the key rack and some Tupperware. Then at 9:30 Kara came over and I gave her some more Tupperware as I definitely don't need all of it. She brought me some hangers. While she was here we filled out no-postage-necessary cards to Nervous, Fran, Bob and Bobbie. We also listened to tapes, ate popcorn, and she wrote a page to Fran. I can't wait for the two of them to talk on the phone. Fran and Kara will love it and have a field day with each other.

I'm so glad to have met a friend other than Andy who's so much like me. I can be myself and Kara loves the tapes of both the edits and convos. She knows all our major "lines" now and now she's writing funny letters with me. You always think when you first move somewhere how you must start all over. Get a new group of friends. Friends who are honest and understanding and have that same weird sense of humor and let you be yourself. Of course, you still meet 10 jerks for every good person you meet.

Speaking of a jerk named Rosemarie, well pay back's due. I figured I'd wait 5-6 months so as to appear less obvious and egg her car. On her way home, Kara dropped an egg on her windshield. Now, I'm sure to be punished for this, but then again I don't know. It's been a year now almost since I could sleep and get up when I say so and things go wrong even if I behave. And I've never been more behaved than I am now for a long time. No phone calls.

To change the subject now, I still have that fucking annoying and itchy discharge from downstairs. I give up as I've no idea what the fuck to do. It's incurable.

I'm surprised I haven't heard from Jessie or Cassandra, but not surprised I haven't heard from Steve. No pictures yet from Nervous or from mom. I'm sure now, they both trashed them. Fran left a message earlier saying Happy Chanukah and that he is gonna be sending me a letter. Great! Fan-fucking-tastic! Just what I've been dying for. With all the letters I send him, it's only fair. I figured sooner or later he'd get into it, too. Bob also left me his "liquid plumber cappuccino" message. Back when he’d threaten to kill himself with lye, I’d tell him he better make it a liquid plumber cappuccino.

I'm gonna leave a thank you note to Pete the mailman. Stacey refused packages in other names out of spite. Thanks to Pete he left a package two days ago by my door in Lisa S's name. So, Stacey doesn't realize that in a way she's done me a favor. Some will be delivered right to my door.

The package was a porcelain doll, anyway. It's pretty, even though it’s made up to be old-fashioned. It's a girl in a light blue nightgown holding a teddy bear. There's a matching bonnet on her head and she's got green eyes with blond curly hair. Stevie hair, Andy said.

12/26/1992 Sat. 2:38 AM

I am so damn bored right now. I have plenty, which I could do, but I just don't feel like it at the moment. I have those stories to start, editing to do, a new Gloria medley to make, coloring my velvet posters. My letter writing can hold off till after the first of the year.

Andy called me at 6:30 this morning. I answered as I was awake and had my ringer on. He was on his way to work and saying how more and more he needs and wants to quit smoking.

At 8:00 or 9:00 this morning I fell asleep and thankfully I awoke on my own at almost 6:00 this evening. The weird thing is that I haven't heard him even quietly walking around. Not a peep. Not even his toilet flushing since I awoke and there's no way you can not hear that. Toilets flushing doesn't bother me, but where could he be?

Yesterday Bob and Fran left messages, but no word from them yet. They'll try again when I've stepped out or I turn off my ringer or am asleep.

Last night I continued on with reading back in my journals. I read number 5, which wasn't too bad. Some of it was interesting and funny, but I sure was naïve. I guess soon I'll start reading number 6.

I'm sure Rosemarie discovered her egged car by now. Serves you right, bitch!

12/27/1992 Sun. 3:51 AM

Yesterday I turned out to be pretty productive. I wrote letters to my parents, Tammy, Lisa and Becky and Fran.

I junked the bed frame I put out on the patio. I really don't need it and with me being so small I can handle the bed being a little lower.

I scrubbed the hell out of the kitchen. No wiping around things, either. I took everything off the countertops. I wanted and still need to do the whole place, but I was getting way too tired and dizzy.

I fell asleep at noon, woke up shortly at 6:00, heard him stomp a few times, then I finally got up at 9:00.

Fran called at 10:15 and we spoke for about 15 minutes.

I just finished Kim's letter tonight. Next, I'll work on Fran's and Nervous’. Bob will only be getting one more letter since he claims to be leaving soon. I'll send it right after the New Year. I typed up several envelopes last night. There are about 9 for Tammy, 9 for Becky and Lisa and 9 for mom and dad. There are also 6 for Fran, 6 for Nervous and 6 for Kim. I think stamps are going up, but even if they stay at 29 cents, it's costly and it does add up. I won't stop writing permanently to them, but I'll slow down quite a bit. I'll explain this to Kim, but not Nervo and Fran. I'll keep them expecting and wondering with shock why they're not getting all their letters. I'll write to my family as often as I do now.

I'm still doing a little something for Tammy, mom and dad. I've got colored paper, which is about 4x6, and I'm making calendars. I'm making myself one, too, as I had this tiny little microscopic calendar I didn't like. I could barely see it yet my eyes are fine. So, I have my teddy bear calendar on my refrigerator and the ones I made taped to my bedroom wall. Actually, I'm typing them. I can fit 4 months on one piece of paper. So there will be 3 pieces to each calendar.

Time out for a smoke.

4:19 AM

Well, Andy quit smoking for 27 hours, he had told me on my machine in the early evening. I am to try to follow when I run out of cigarettes, which will be very soon. I've decided to take the healthier misery and always crave one and get fat. I'd also like to get off the Theo due to its side effects, even though they're a joke compared to the Navane. Anything's better than TD, but it causes dry skin, hair and nails. Makes my stomach gassy and bloated and it revs me up way more than I naturally already am. I have my own natural source of energy. Quitting smoking and getting off my meds won't always keep me on a schedule, but it'll help a little. The cravings will suck and I'm sure they'll never go away. You get constipated for a while, retain water and your metabolism drops. This is why they say to drink lots of water. I'll die by 30 for sure if I don't quit and I wrote up a list of the and the – to quitting. The positives are: I’d breathe better, sing better, save money, improve my immune system, get off meds and rid of bad side effects. The negs are the cravings and the weight gain.

5:25 AM

I just made some coffee and emptied the dishwasher.

I put together a list of 15 exercises for each of the major muscle groups.

In a few hours, I really must finish the house cleaning which I got so sick of. I'm not into it like I used to be, but it needs to be done. My asthma and allergies will appreciate it. I must do the bathroom, dust and vacuum.

Kara's mom is returning from Williams (a 4-season area). She is fighting with her boyfriend. So, now it'll be Kara, Ashley and Kara's mom and stepdad.

I'm a little disappointed in Kara's mom Alana. The phone is in Alana's name and I asked Kara to ask her if she could call Boston for their zip codes to the hospital. I'd pay, of course, but Alana said no. Can't she trust her daughter's friends? Plus, I did her a favor for their Thanksgiving dinner. I lent her two bowls, so she could've returned the simple little favor, which would've been under a buck.

Well, since Tammy said she liked the last joke I sent her, she oughta enjoy this one too. I told her that if anyone ever asks her how her sex life with Bill is, she can say this:

Quarter after 1, we're having some fun in the bedroom.

Quarter after 2, he took off my shoe.

Quarter after 3, he put his hand on my knee.

Quarter after 4, he threw me on the floor.

Quarter after 5, we began to jive.

Quarter after 6, he grabbed my tits.

Quarter after 7, it felt like heaven.

Quarter after 8, he stuck it up straight.

Quarter after 9, we are doin' fine.

Quarter after 10, we do it all again.

Well, Rosemarie must be pretty pissed right now. Also, wondering who the fuck could've egged her precious little car. I still expect punishment for this, but it hasn't come yet. I'm about to get my period so I hope it won't be bad cramps. Although, some things could be much much worse. Maybe she's owed more than payback for pissing me off and God's having me punish her? Who knows? Time will tell. I think she knows I moved, but of course, not where to. She heard me telling someone on the payphone I was about to move, so she may not even know I'm still at this complex. Maybe she's seen me hang out with Ellie last summer and asked her, but I'm not really worried about it now. She's an asshole and a half, although I still very occasionally fantasize about her. About every 2-3 months, I have sex with her in my mind, but she doesn't know it. In this fantasy, she's left Rick. I transfer to a 1-bedroom right next to her. Eventually, we speak and yes, it was paranoia caused by Rick. Also, her own private little fantasies kept in the closet. But in time, little by little, I bring her out of that closet.

These fantasies will always be the story of my life. The sex stories of my life, I should say. I do know now and am 100% sure I'll always be celibate unless I settle. As for Kara, well, I still don't know yet.

10:20 AM

I am getting very tired. Soon, I'll be going to bed and praying that Andy doesn't wake me up.

I cleaned everything but the bathroom. Tomorrow I'll do that. Cleaning this place sure doesn't take long cuz it's so small and I only have 10 shelves for furniture to dust. I do dust the stuff on the shelves. I did that a little while ago along with vacuuming the carpet. Tomorrow I'll do the bathroom and vacuum that floor and the kitchen floor. Of course, they both take 3 minutes each.

As I said a while back, I changed my mind on my suspect for the firecrackers. At first, due to the timing and coincidence, I thought it was Stacey. It still very well could be, but I think it's more like something Robert would do.

I took a piece of plain paper and wrote in bold capital letters, "I know about the firecrackers." I put it in a regular envelope and wrote only his address and name in bold black marker. I put it on top of the mailboxes. So, if it's him, and I'm fairly sure it is, I'd like him to know that I know.

A guy who lives in the building next to me gave me a couple of smokes as I couldn't hold out. Kara came over with Ashley and she gave me a couple too. This is good as I really need to at least cut down first. I couldn't have her stay long as I'm beat. I couldn't stand it when Ashley screamed, so I was anxious to get her out of here.

I told her to check out Rosemarie's car and she says it looks like she hasn't discovered it yet. Guess she's stayed in all weekend.

Due to being blessed with being able to wake up when I do so on my own for the last 3 days, I hope this doesn't mean I now must wake up when Andy slams his door too hard. Or gets out of control with stomping. Or by someone else's door. About 70% of the time in the last year I've been woken up by someone or something. When's it gonna stop? When can I depend on not being woken up 90% of the time? In a week's time, I've been woken up between 2-6 times. I'm sick of this shit. So sick of it!

12/28/1992 Mon. 12:10 AM

Yesterday afternoon I fell asleep around 1:00. I awoke at 8:30 on my own, but still, I knew my luck would run out. Andi next door has a very large family, which I noticed last summer. Well, she's got 10-15 boys over there now! They're around junior high to high school ages. This is just great. School doesn't start till next Monday and I hope and I pray they won't be here that long or I'll die. Tomorrow, late morning or early afternoon, I'm sure I can count on being woken up constantly. Doesn't Andi still have to work? What will they all do while she's gone? How long will they all be here?

Well, I got my period and luckily I don't have cramps.

Right now it is raining out. I hope the letter I stuck in the mailbox earlier to Kim didn't get drenched. In this particular mailbox, the rain can easily get in. I also put Robert's note on top of the mailboxes and I hope that's not drenched and that the wind didn't blow it away.

Shortly after I got up, Kara came over.

I also spoke to Randy who gave me the TV Time section. He's been really sick.

I hope Dennis doesn't move real soon. I'll call him today or tomorrow and see what he's up to. Also, maybe we can do errands together.

Andy called one of the Boston hospitals. I asked for the zip codes for both hospitals and tomorrow I'll mail in all the information to Dr. Kareus. I've also signed the release of information papers. Tomorrow I'll sew a torn pocket in a pair of Andy's pants to return the favor. Of course, I'd still do it anyway just to help a friend.

I wonder if I'll get Tammy's package this week.

I just hope and pray to God to get rid of Andi's many many many guests tomorrow before I go to sleep. However, I'm sure that's wishful thinking and dreaming. With my luck, they'll be here a few days at least, if not till next Monday. I knew my luck had to run out sooner or later. But if Andi's got to work, I can't see her leaving 10-15 kids here all by themselves even though they're not little kids.

God, just make them disappear tomorrow! Poor Mary. She must be having a blast having to be underneath this shit.

Kara says there are still eggshells on Rosemarie's car, even though it's pouring steadily out there. Kara and Andy say it takes 2-3 years for eggs to wear off. Unless she gets it professionally cleaned. I believe she can afford to do so, too. Andy and I know it takes a long time for eggs to wear off cuz of about two years ago. We were out throwing eggs when I threw one so hard that it bounced back and splattered a little on the passenger's door.

2:15 AM

I can still hear some movement next door. The sad part about it is that I can't call the office about it. They won't do anything about it as the only way to shut kids up (especially 10-15 of them) is to totally get rid of them. Plus, they'll only tell me she's allowed to have company like anyone else is. But 10-15 guests? I just wish I knew they'd be leaving permanently tomorrow morning. That'd sure ease my mind, but I doubt I'll be that lucky. Why does shit like this always have to happen to me?

I also can't wait for whoever it'll be to move downstairs. That oughta be one hell of a blast.

If Dennis is to be here Jan. 23-26, I will have to see if I can stay at his place to avoid listening to and feeling Andy's nephew bounce off the walls.

So, Nervous did rip me off after all. It's a good thing I already have copies of the ones I sent him. This is why I first did this as a test. Now I know never to send him pictures I have no copies of. If he'd sent them back, I would've sent them to Bob, but if Bob comes here or sees Kim's copies, I'll send them to Fran. When and if Kim sends back the negatives, and I believe she will, I'll still send those to Nervous. Whether or not he develops them is a different story. He probably will out of curiosity, but if he does, he does and if he doesn't, he doesn't.

I wonder if he's still not smoking. It's been almost 3 days for Andy, that lucky little shit.

I wonder just when my mom is gonna send me my other guitar. I'm not ever counting on seeing all my other pictures that ended up in Florida. However, I won't yet dump the part of my collection that made it out here. When I do, though, I'll only dump part of it.

2:45 AM

If the rain continues, I wonder if the people that mow the lawn will call it off, but last week I cranked up my radio and slept right through it.

A great time for my family to come and see me would be late May or early June before my lease is up. This way they can see my studio if I do move on June 10th or 15th when it expires. There are no models for studios. There's a model for the large and small 1-bedroom and for the 2-bedroom. Is there one for the medium size 1-bedroom, I do not know. I'd love for mom, dad and Tammy to see these models. Not the small 1-bedroom, though. It's barely bigger than a studio. I may only be able to afford the 1-bedroom over at the Via El Camino complex where Kara is. I'd really rather stay here and find a way to convince my parents to up their monthly help a bit. If they could see in person how much more beautiful this complex is and their 1-bedrooms, maybe that'll work. I really really do need that extra space. I especially need its closet. It would make my day if they'd turn the studio below me into a model. They'd put furniture in it too, making it less hollow. Sounds would be absorbed much better this way. This is why Andy can't hear my TV unless he's in his bathroom. Not that TVs bother me like slamming, sliding and banging, but I can never hear his TV either unless I go into my bathroom.

In 1993 I hope to be in a bigger apartment!

12/29/1992 Tues. 7:17 AM

Yesterday was an absolutely miserable day. Last night, too. It just goes to further my belief that God will never let me sleep, no matter where I go. I also believe this definitely still would've happened even if I never had Kara egg Rosemarie's car. Mary downstairs got the worst of it, but we both suffered pretty badly. The end results, however, are positive. I think they are, but let me start at the beginning. It’s almost like I was back at the NHA. I swear there'll never be any escape! There's always gonna be one thing after another.

Last night at midnight I asked them to keep it down. It didn't work. I pounded the wall once, then at 1 AM, they went to sleep. At 8:00 yesterday morning I called Mary downstairs who'd thought what I thought - that she was moving. She said they kept her up late, driving her crazy. She said they began the same thing an hour ago at 7:30. I told her how many kids were there and that my speaking to them twice never worked. I also told her one of the boys (they were all boys) said they'd be there all week. No fucking way. Mary insisted at first that Andi was out as her truck was gone. Yet she'd been there the whole time and we didn't know it yet. Mary said someone in her huge family must have a house, so why don't they go there, rather than in a tiny studio? Good question. Then she said, “Nothing against the Mexicans and their huge families, but where there's 1, there are 50.”

No shit! Then, with me on the line listening quietly, she called the office. She said she was sick, and she really was and needed her rest. She needs to go to work, so they better do something if they want her to go to work so she can pay the rent. Paula had answered and she said something about getting a letter up to them.

After Mary spoke to Paula, she and I ran to Circle K where I picked up 2 packs of cigarettes, 3 candy bars, a pack of gum and some milk. I returned to them slamming and banging and I called Paula. I told her how many people were there and how they went on the previous night. I also told her I was considering breaking my lease and looking for a place elsewhere. There have been too many problems here, but I'm sick of being woken up. The complex is beautiful and so aren't the apartments, but the walls are too thin. No, they're nowhere near as thin as the NHA, but still too thin. The thickest walls were the Woodside Terrace and Oswego Street buildings. I miss walls like that. I can only deal with a little outside noise at this point. I hate it when the kids scream, but at least you can't feel that. I just turn on my radio, even though there are times when I want total quiet. At least there is a way out of hearing the kids by turning on the radio, but there's no escaping all those bumps and bangs you can feel. Kara said you wouldn't hear this if it were at her complex. Maybe her walls are thicker due to how cheap her electric bills are. When I was at her place for Turkey day, she had her heat turned off and it was a furnace in there.

11:19 AM

Continuing and hopefully finishing next door's story - I spoke to Paula once and Mary spoke to her twice. After Mary called for the third time, believe it or not, it was Stacey who went to talk to them. I stood by my door listening. She said she had way too many people and there were many complaints. Also, to stop slamming and banging, and no jumping on sofas. Andi bullshitted her in defense by saying she understands, but that I do it too, which is total BS, naturally. I could have sworn I heard Stacey say she understands my situation, whatever she means by that. I heard Andi say they were leaving tomorrow (today) and I knew they'd shut up only temporarily. I knew this about as well as I knew my luck would run out after sleeping well for 4 days.

So, I got those Boston zip codes from Andy and I mailed my mail. I watched some talk shows on TV and their noise subsided not completely, but somewhat. I figured, with kids being kids, it'd have to start back up sooner or later.

I fell asleep at 1:30 PM. Sure enough at 7 PM, they were ready to tear the walls down. I went outside and kicked their door and screamed at them, I was so pissed. I’m ready to rip the shit out of this bitch and I’ll do it right in front of the kids, too! Maybe that would set an example for them and teach them a little lesson or two.

I felt shitty, but it could've been worse. I blasted the shit out of my stereo to drown them out till 8:30. They still wouldn't shut up, so I turned it on again till 9:15 or so. Finally, at 10:30 I realized they just didn't get it and only gave a damn about themselves. Some folks have no consideration whatsoever and I've never ever had a problem with her or with noise from her before, but this just did not cut it. My last resort was to call the cops. I did and it worked.

Now for the surprising part. Once I'm woken up it's usually hard to fall back asleep. Especially at night with me being a night person. But I did at almost 11 PM. Around midnight there was a big bang (their grand finale), and luckily, as quickly as I began fuming, I fell back asleep till almost 3 AM.

12/30/1992 Wed. 5:30 AM

I guess Andy's having trouble sleeping or is sick. It's not like he's noisy or anything, but I've heard movement over there all night long.

Yesterday morning at around 9:00 I heard them next door. The kids would slam their door, but finally, they left at about 11:00, thank fucking God! Now it should be peaceful for the next 4 days until something else wakes me up.

I was at the office yesterday and all 3 of them were in there. As usual, Paula and Judy were very friendly and understanding while I could feel Stacey's hatred burning into my every pore.

I spoke to Paula, letting her know that although this complex and the apartments are beautiful, I may begin looking elsewhere. I thought the 1-bedrooms were $335, but they're $349 and they'll no doubt go up in June. That's dirt cheap for such a nice apartment, but not anything I can afford. I wonder why I should even bother transferring to a 1-bedroom here anyway knowing how thin the walls are. Even if I could afford it, I should go look for thicker walls.

I fell asleep yesterday at 4 PM and I got up at 9:50 PM. Nothing woke me up, but I wanted to sleep later.

Dennis left a message saying I could have their dining room table and chairs along with other stuff. I have no room for the table and chairs, but I sure wish he was giving up his color TV. I'll call him at 8:00. I also need to go to the store.

Kara left a message, too.

Later on, I'll write about what Mary and I discussed concerning a cat and the crazy pet deposit they have here.

12/31/1992 Thurs. 5:11 AM

Well, here we are on the last day of 1992. What will 1993 hold for me, I wonder?

Yesterday was a good day. I still wish Dennis wasn't moving but he sure gave me some very nice stuff I could use. He gave me a round glass shelf stand similar to one I once had back east. It's about 6 feet high and it's a solid iron stand that is olive-colored. There are 4 glass shelves. It goes out in 4 directions and forms a peak at the very top. I put stuffed animals up there as well as on the glass shelves. I also took some other knickknacks and the few videos I have and put them on them.

He also gave me a step ladder stool similar to my old one. A sturdy small table I've put my typewriter on and a tiny square thing to sit on while I type. Also, the perfect TV stand I've been dying for. On top are my TV and VCR. The bottom has a slanted shelf, which is normally for videos, CDs or cassettes, but I've put journals 1-34 on it. It's much sturdier than my thin plastic shelves. I removed the shelf where I put my little table and typewriter and I put it in my closet with my underwear folded on it and my socks underneath it. I was able to do this as Dennis also gave me a shoe rack. I save more space by putting my shoes on it and hanging them on back of my bathroom door.

I rearranged other stuff, too. I moved the speaker that was in a corner and put it by the bathroom door, which is very close to the bedroom. I now turn this speaker on at night instead of my clock radio. I shut off the other speaker by my door and my box too, at night. Or whenever I'm sleeping.

I slept well. I slept from 4:30 to a little after midnight, then got up and did Andy's laundry. I chatted with Dan, the security guard too, and we went to my mailbox together. I got all junk.

Dennis told me to call Susie and Brian tomorrow cuz there will be more stuff no one else will want. He gave Andy a nice chair and a big world map.

While I was figuring out how to rearrange everything which took time, Andy went to the store and picked me up some water, TV dinners and munchies. I have no cash till my check comes. I hope Susie or Brian have some cigarettes they can spare.

In journal 32 I had accidentally skipped a page and Kara wrote on it. She wrote: He's not my boyfriend, he’s just somebody I'm sleeping with. I, Kara, came over this morning with a pack of cigs. What's a P.J. Paul, I'm going into the kitchen to get a knife and I'm going to come and get you. Well, I haven't heard from Brian since the last time, which was almost 2 weeks ago. From now on he's going to be a closed chapter in my life and the only time it is going to open is when he calls so I can bitch him out. There are just 2 words lying under the carpet. And they can't put you in bucks for 400 jail. I'm so glad you're my friend. Officer Salero is here with me. And boy is she pretty. Talk more later. Bye-bye.

6:11 AM

Last night I began 1 of my 40-page stories. It'll definitely need way more than 40 pages, but I can always carry it into another journal. It's going well and I've already done 20 pages. I type up the rough draft, copy it in, then send the rough draft to Fran. I'm typing the rough draft on that pad of colored paper Mary bought me. Kara, who was over for a while yesterday read what I've written so far and really liked it. Kara's one of the few people like Andy and I where you can share your fantasies with her and just about everything and she won't freak out.

I don't know if Mary and I will ever do this as I don't know how long I'll be here, but we came up with an idea. The idea is that she pays the pet deposit in my name, gets a cat and makes sure it works out (I told her how horrible the last two cats were). It can spend time up here when she's not around or when the office people are around. It can stay with her when I'm asleep or not here.

I'll write more later, but I really need a shower and some food.


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