Subtropical Lady

November 1992 (first half)

11/1/1992 Sun. 1 PM

I woke up at 8:30 needing to take my meds. I fell back asleep till 11:30.

I just spoke to Mary who said she let Moon Shadow out cuz she was climbing the door to get out.

Mary's also going to a memorial service for a girlfriend of hers who was killed by her boyfriend in Glendale. She was saying how she wants a guy, but can't trust them. And I was saying I want a real woman, but they're all straight.

I am out on my patio now with Moon Shadow.

1:30 PM

OK, now I'll get through the story once and for all. Stacey accused me of several things I didn't do as well as petty bullshit I did do. I already mentioned the shit with Ellie. I also played Stacey a message from Ellie which was no different than what she got from me.

Robert also went to Stacey, but that was only due to my complaining about him and turning his propositions down. Cuz I left him some funny messages before all this happened and he got a big kick out of it. Also, like with the calls I gave and got from Ellie, they weren't pranks in a bad way. Just our usual weird stuff.

The rest of the stuff Stacey had to say was totally ludicrous, telling me something obvious and that’s that she’s got some kind of personal vendetta against me for sure. Everyone else I've spoken to agrees with me.

As I wrote before I moved, I came up here to see the place. The girl seemed very nice about it. All her shit was moved out and I wasn't in her way and was only here two minutes. Apparently, she complained. Why couldn't the bitch just tell me to leave or not bother to open her door?! What a vindictive little wimp. She didn’t have to show me the place.

The other thing she mentioned was vandalism which I know nothing about. She remained evasive, but Andy and I haven't thrown eggs or anything. Andy did say, though, that one night he woke up to the sound of glass breaking and thought it was his car. He got up and checked his car which was fine and he didn't see anything. I never heard any of this and was obviously asleep.

Stacey was also saying people don't “understand” my friendship and that I'm always trying to get people’s phone numbers in the laundry room and at the pool which is bullshit. Any phone numbers I have were offered to me, and if someone doesn't want to give me their number, that's fine. She also mentioned my inviting people up here as if it's millions of people. I've invited a few people up like Tonya, Tara, Dennis or Randy. A lot of people ask to come up and also invite me to their place and if someone doesn't want to come up, I don't pressure them. Why would she care who I invite to my own damn apartment anyway? Isn’t it my right to have company?

Ok, so I’ve had a few problems with some people here like Rosemarie, Donna and Fay. Fay moved and I haven't seen the other two assholes for ages. I haven't seen Mark or Robert either, and I won’t have anything to do with Ellie.

She also says the office won't accept any packages under different names which is strictly out of spite. Why else would she care whose name it was in?

She then got even more out of line when she said she spoke to Ray M who referred her to Mike M. I do believe Ray called her, but that's wrong of him, and dad and Tammy agree. It was never the office’s business to know about my probation and he had no right to contact them. She threatened to contact Mike, but he says he hasn't heard from her. That was as of last Friday. I warned Stacey that if she calls Mike or continues harassing me, I'll file charges. She has no right to talk to either one as this is confidential and privileged information.

She also was extremely contradictory. One minute she truthfully admits she doesn't know me. The next, she's judging me and pretending to know me quite well. Puts words in my mouth and gives me all these false ideas about what I'm all about as a person. Also, she'd go from telling me I need to meet more people, to telling me I should keep to myself as if she has the right to tell me what to do in the first place. This bitch would tell me I'm confused, yet I know myself better than anyone else ever will. Also that I'm lonely, and there's a difference between lonely and alone. Well, the fact is that I'm alone and not at all lonely cuz of assholes like her and 80% of the population!

She told me I oughta get a part-time job or do volunteer work and asked why I couldn't move to Florida where my parents are as if it’s any of her business.

She told me she knew where I was and what I was doing. She said if someone didn't tell her, she'd find out anyway. I told Andy I asked her if she was spying on me. Andy said he asked the same thing. After all, comments like this makes one wonder!

Then she got further out of line by telling Andy to dump me and not spend so much time with me. But he doesn't spend much time with me. He works full-time, and we're usually on different schedules and we're into our own space. He’s not overly sociable either, though he is more of a people person than I ever was. Nonetheless, he said she said that it's unfortunate I'm directly behind him rather than two buildings down and implied to him that I'm just oh so much trouble and therefore, he should stay away from me. He gave her a piece of his mind and told her to back off and mind her own business.

Me and some of my friends went over all the possible reasons she could be doing this to me. We ruled out my being Jewish and gay cuz there are other Jews here and other gays here, though that still could be it. Kara suggested my looks, but I disagree. Stacey may not be beautiful, but she's not ugly. I think it's just a matter of my looking young and dumb and easy to step on. I think and I hope she'll be backing off as I proved the opposite of what I appear. With threatening charges and family and friends on my side maybe she’ll back off. However, if she continues the harassment, things will get worse for her. She'll end up wishing she never messed with me, and the sooner she realizes she's picked on the wrong person, the better for her. I will go to court if I have to. I told her not to talk with Ray or Mike, no matter who calls who and to leave me and my friends alone.

That night 3 firecrackers were thrown up here. Was this bitch behind it? Or was it connected to Mark or Robert?

The next day after the big meeting with Stacey, I was fuming mad and scared about extradition. I gave up trying to figure out exactly what could be motivating her. I was so pissed at her nerve and people and life in general. I was sick of dealing with people fucking with me when I've done nothing to deserve it. I went out to try to walk off my steam. I was sick of seeing people do all kinds of shit worse than I've done and get away with it. I began wishing I could drop dead so I wouldn't have to live a second-best life. No singing career, no sex and just one problem after another with people. Even when you're good to people, they've still got to fuck you over.

I remembered the time Rosemarie and Rick came screaming at my door and figured if they can do that, so can't I. I wasn't gonna be intimidated by anyone and I just dared Stacey in my mind to do something about this. I was gonna give people a real reason to hate me and I lost my cool.

I went over and knocked on Ellie's door. She could see I was fuming by the look in my eyes. She asked what the problem was and I told her she had a lot of nerve. She told me to write it in a letter and shut her door. For about two minutes I gave her a piece of my mind outside her door. Then, she had a table there with a glass, an ashtray, and a plant. I was so fed up with her shit that I flipped the table. I should've dumped her long ago, and I feel not one bit guilty about doing what I did to that table.

So, that evening two men and a woman from Terros came out to talk with me. They were very helpful in relaxing me. This was last Thursday night when they came out. While they were here, Ellie called. She was yelling so loud and talking so fast that the only words I could make out were, "clean up the mess." I hung up on her and the next day she left some plant soil by my door. That was kind of amusing cuz it was so childish.

As cheap and as beautiful as these apartments and grounds are, sometimes I don’t feel like I’m in an apartment, but rather one big house with a Dureen-like tyrant called Stacey ruling it. Never did the landlords/managers back east butt into their tenant’s business like this, not that I miss it there. The Remby brothers did to a degree, but that was nothing compared to this! I felt like a child having to answer to a parent when confronted by Stacey and her shit.

2:10 PM

I am out by the pool now. It's such a gorgeous day. I was just chatting with Steve. He's on his patio sawing wood to make a birdcage. That sound reminds me of being at the beach in April or May when everyone's fixing up their cottages for the summer. I haven't seen his girlfriend Sue for ages. I told him to say hi to her.

I just ran into Linda and I showed her my place. She asked me, mind you, and no, I’m not gonna call the office and bitch about it. I don’t stab people in the back like that. Besides, if I didn’t want to show her the place, I’d just say no. Anyway, she liked it but agreed I could use more closet space. Other than that, I don't need more space cuz I have no furniture and this way there's less to clean. On the other hand, it'd be nice to have more space to fit furniture in and have dressers to put my clothes in which are in suitcases and duffel bags all over my closet floor and under my bed.

A few days ago when all this shit with Stacey happened, Brad called about my cleaning his mother's house. I said no cuz I'm so sick of house cleaning and may do exotic dancing this month with Tara who’s turning 19 soon. If Tara can't do it cuz of how busy she is and cuz of her weight, then maybe I'll go along with Tonya a couple of nights a week. Tonya's only working a couple of nights a week anyway.

I'm grateful not to live where there are 10,000 kids surrounding my apartment like termites, but at times it's obnoxious to hear the ones that live here and their nonstop screaming. I can barely hear them over my TV and I came here to the pool to hear less of them. Earlier while I was writing at my table I had to put on my edits. The little tape recorder Andy gave me was right on the table next to me and I could still hear the little twirpettes. I put on my headphones. Several others have said they've complained. Gordy even called the cops cuz of their vandalizing the grass, property and cars. Linda said they fucked up her car. They should have a specific area for these kids to play. Away from people and their cars. I've given up complaining and I think others have too. Nothing gets done about it.

I still have lots to write about, but I'd like to go finish the shows I taped.

7:05 PM

Andy is here now and he's grilling pork chops out on the grill. He just went to check them and the edits are playing while I write. I still have massive amounts of editing to do.

Gloria's gonna be on Entertainment Tonight. I'm also gonna be taping a movie about the true story of a woman who murdered her husband. Last year they had part one of her story. I didn't know there'd be a part two till I just saw it in the TV guide Randy left by my door.

7:55 PM

The movie's going on in 5 minutes.

Dinner was good and Mary called during dinner like everyone calls when you're busy or eating. I didn't answer, though, cuz my hands were all greasy. When I called her, she told me a very familiar story. Her toilet overflowed and she wanted a mop, but I don't even have a broom yet. She called maintenance out with their water vac. She said this has happened to her 5 times.

8:51 PM

As far as Terros is concerned, well, they're gonna call Monday to see how I am. They may also have some referrals for me. Legal aid numbers in case I ever need them, but I sure hope not.

As for Dennis, I spoke to him about Stacey and probation and he agrees Stacey's fucked up. Also, they can't extradite me as they gave me written permission to come here.

Last Friday night Andy left me a message saying Ellie came to his door. She wanted to "apologize" to me, but wanted him to go with her cuz she was afraid of me. Afraid I might go off on her. He said he told her, "It's your problem that's got nothing to do with me." I told him he did the right thing. I didn't get his message till after Ellie came over. She stood halfway down the stairs after she knocked and I opened the door. I screamed at her saying, "You fucked me over and I fucked you over. We're even now so don't ever call or come to my door again!" I chased her down the stairs and she ran like hell. As a rule, I never hit anyone weaker than me, unless they tried to trash my stuff or something. I only meant to scare her like I did and I haven't seen or heard from her since. Ellie's like Fran and Nervous. If they can't get positive attention, they'll get negative attention.

10:48 PM

Last Saturday, Randy and I spoke about the situation with Stacey and probation. The first time we spoke was the night all this happened. We met at the pool where I brought chocolate chip cookies and he brought milk.

He said he felt like giving Stacey a piece of his mind, but Andy told me yesterday that's exactly what he plans to do on his day off. He also plans to teach Ellie a lesson. Randy and Andy insisted on doing this on their own as friends. Never did I suggest this to them.

Andy said Ellie said, "You've been a perfect gentleman through all of this." Well, the “perfect gentleman” is gonna show Ellie how he feels when someone screws his friend over. He plans sometime soon to go over and seem very friendly, then flip on her.

Randy fixed the space bar, then he also had to fix something else with it. This was very dumb of me, but I shut the case on the cord. I left the typewriter in its case which is a lot heavier than it looks. It severed the cord and cuz electricity is so hot, it melted the rim of the case. Part of it, anyway. It could've easily started a fire and I didn't know that. He spliced the cord, though, and says he'll get some electrical tape.

I'll also have to ask Dennis about the glue he's getting to fix my speakers.

11:53 PM

Tomorrow I must do my laundry. I have 3-4 loads to do. I want to wash my comforter, so there's one whole load in itself. I also will continue reading back through my journals and timing each one. I'll do some more letter-writing and finally get on with my editing. As for writing stories, who knows yet?

I hope this week I get letters from my family and Bob. I wish Kim would call to let me know how she likes her tapes. Can't count on Fran ever writing, no matter what he says. As for Nervous, he'll never write for sure and I wonder just what the hell has set him off? While Andy was back home, Nervous and I had a 2-3 hour damn good talk. So, how we went from that to his refusing to speak to me, I do not know. He claims to have finally gotten sex after 9 years. I doubt that cuz he's just in too foul of a mood for a guy who's supposedly gotten his first lay in 9 years.

A funny, shocking and totally amazing thing happened last week when Fran called. He called Nervous with the 3-way. At first I remained silent and Nervous spoke fairly kindly to Fran. They did chat for a while. That's one surprise. The really big surprise was when Nervous hung up when I spoke. Totally unlike him. He'd always hate to talk to others associated with me and would always talk to me only. He has hung up on me in the past, but certainly never chose to speak to Fran over me. Oh well. I know he enjoys his letters anyway, no matter what.

As I mentioned earlier in this book, I wrote Bobbie a funny letter and included some hair and my address and phone number. I always liked her and she called me. We had a nice chat for about 15 minutes. She said she'd write, but I know how people are even if they mean well. She'll never write. Fran also called her on the 3-way and she said I sounded like a sweetheart and very happy here.

11/2/1992 Mon. 12:11 AM

Tammy said there's no way they can extradite me no matter if Arizona refuses me or not. They gave me written permission to be here.

She's gonna have Sheila (from Greenfield) contact me about working a deal out. Maybe I can write to her. Sheila's cool, so I'm sure she won't give me any trouble.

She's also gonna blast out Stacey and give her hell for the shit she's pulled on me. Believe me, she can sound quite intimidating.

There's a fucking cricket chirping in the vent above my bed. I know they're harmless and better than these huge sewer roaches, but they're obnoxious cuz they jump out at you and freak you out when you least expect it.

Little House on the Prairie comes on soon, but I should hit the sack.

The lawnmowers come tomorrow and now that it's not so hot, they come around 9 AM. That's about when I want to get up. If you want to sleep late, you really have to put on the radio. You'll hear kids screaming their way off to school and the maintenance guys talking. Other people, too. Not always, but usually. The only other thing that sucks is the kids screaming outside after school and on weekends, but I do like it here so much better than in 163. This building's quieter.

I hope Jane, that deaf girl, calls this week.

11/3/1992 Tues. 4:44 PM

I haven't heard from my sister yet. I hope to soon. Hope I start getting some letters soon, too.

No one from the office has harassed me, so I hope they got the message.

Today is an extremely windy day. Very much with a feeling of fall. It sort of feels like at home during the beginning of September in MA and CT. They've got to be absolutely freezing. This is what I've heard. Cuz it's so dry and breezy today, it is a little bit chilly. I've shut my windows.

Today they vote for president. I never vote as they're all quacks anyway. I believe Bill Clinton will win and that's OK with me cuz he seems to be the most liberal of them all.

Last night, after dinner Andy and I went to South Mountain. I've never ever witnessed any scenery so beautiful. Just when I thought you could see forever on Squaw Peak and Camelback Mountain. Well, you can see forever and ever on top of this one. It was gorgeous and breathtaking and I wish my family could see this. You could see thousands of lights throughout the valley. The Valley of the Sun, they call it. It took 15 minutes just to drive up this mountain and my ear would pop going up and coming down. It was extremely windy up there, yet he and I did our own things. He did an interview while I was with “Saundra.”

I met a butch yesterday as I was on my way into the laundry room. God, I wish I could settle and not give a damn about looks. She seemed friendly enough, but she sure did shock me and scare me by asking me where I work. They usually don't bother asking this, but I said I did little odds and ends. She says she works in the records department at Baptist Hospital. Also, she's from Maine and she's 29 and has been in AZ for 18 years and at this complex for almost a year.

I only told her the state I'm from, my age, and how long I've been here.

She said she's been to two gay bars I've been to, however, she doesn't know I'm gay. She may sense it, though, as you can sense each other out at times. Low-income people, too. We sense each other out. The only other thing she asked was what kind of music I like.

This girl's not the ugliest thing I've ever seen, but she's between plain and ugly. She could've been thinking one of two things, but I don't know for sure. One thing she could very well think is that I'm too feminine. The other is that maybe she did like me as the very few fems out there usually go for butches and butches prefer fems. There are also lots of butch couples cuz they have no choice when 98% of gay women are butches. The other reason she may have liked me is cuz God would have it that way and be sure to send me the ones I'm not attracted to. God forbid if I ever run into her again (and I hope not to make things easier), should I say no? Should I remain celibate forever or start settling? But, settle for no men and certainly not ultra-fat or ugly women is what I would do if I did settle.

7:39 PM

I am now watching the presidential campaign. Never before has it interested me. Usually two months after we get a new president, I'm like, "By the way, who's the new president?" I'm for Clinton cuz he's more liberal and for gay rights. Also for a woman's right to choose whether or not to have an abortion. The reason why I'm pro-choice is cuz of rape, incest and the life of the mother. There are enough unwanted kids in this world with not enough loving people to adopt them. Also, why put the mother through the emotional and physical shit when she doesn't want a kid? And this world is way too overpopulated. Like I said, they're all quacks, but Republicans are too narrow-minded and want all people to follow a certain set of rules. Clinton's gonna win by a landslide. Now I'm waiting to hear about local issues and propositions.

It is nice to finally be doing OK for a change. My electric bill's gonna be dirt cheap and my phone bill will only be $30. I have a little over $200 after deducting my rent, so that leaves me enough cash. Then, there'll be my mom's $50.

9 PM

Clinton won, luckily, and the government can't step into the abortion issue. All abortions for any reason are legal.

Andy called a little while ago. He's going to some friend's house that he works with.

According to what he's told me and what I've seen, that Stephanie is one major undependable airhead.

I still have many things I want to do.

I want to finish the drawing of Tammy, Bill and the girls. Perhaps this can be their Chanukah present since I can't afford to send anything. I would like to send at least $10 to Tammy for all the collect calls I've made to her. It's not much, but it's something.

So anyway, here are all the little projects I want to do:

1. Finish the drawing.
2. Eventually see about photocopying other drawings I've done to send to Tammy.
3. Editing.
4. Letter writing.
5. Continue reading back through my journals.
6. Write stories?

I'm still not sure as far as stories go. If I do, should I type it? Or should I write it in a journal? I'll just wait and see if I get any for my b-day. That's what I want most as I have an electric typewriter now. All I really need is a full-length mirror and I only need one, whereas I can never have too many journals.

11 PM

While I'm watching Hunter I'm gonna write about a series of wacko dreams I had last night. They sure were strange and I dreamt about bits and pieces of different things that made no sense. In one dream I remember seeing the younger Linda Ronstadt in person. I don't believe we spoke, and I don't know where this was and what the occasion was. It didn't look too much like Linda, but somehow I just knew it was her. She was talking to someone else whose face I couldn't see. I have no idea what about.

Then I dreamt I was in a big house belonging to a big family. The family wasn't home, but I knew they were on their way home. Somehow I knew Rosemarie was gonna be on TV. Why? Who knows. I thought to myself how I wanted to quickly grab my scrapbook of pictures cuz I wanted them to see what she looks like. The family came home before I could do so.

Guess I'll finish with the rest of the dreams after I watch TV. Or during commercials, I can do more writing. I just don't feel like taping it.

11/4/1992 Wed. 1:40 AM

Andy may be calling any minute. He called from his friend's place and I told him to call when he gets in.

The electrical situation in this building and the other one sucks. The volume on my TV, tape recorder and stereo goes in and out.

Andy just got in. I heard his door.

Well, as far as the rest of my dreams, they're crazy. Much crazier than the ones I already mentioned. I guess there was gonna be a nuclear war and people were freaking out. I was downtown somewhere, or in some busy place with lots of buildings and people. People were killing each other and themselves. Even little kids were jumping off the roofs of buildings. The next thing I knew, I was inside a building walking down a crowded hallway. Four people were carrying a dead body in a body bag. As I continued to walk, I realized the floor became slippery. I looked down to see that there was blood everywhere.

My last dream was the strangest. I was in a car with two women. The one driving had a gun. She wanted to take me to this ditch and shoot me into it. The girl in the passenger seat was trying to stop this woman and stop her from shooting me. I don't know who these women were or why they wanted to shoot me, but I wasn't as scared as a girl who may lose her life should be. They brought me to a parking lot of a restaurant and we all got out of the car. I remember telling myself to move cautiously and don't bolt off running so fast so as not to cause the woman to shoot me. She came around and pointed the gun at me. I froze. I thought, well gee, I guess of all the times I've wished I was dead, this was it. But then she changed her mind and they both got in the car and drove off.

Now here's the last strange hitch to this dream. This restaurant was owned by a tall, beautiful, long-haired girl. She had blond hair, wore a black shirt, and lots of nice necklaces. This gorgeous, feminine owner of this place was my girlfriend. Somehow I just knew that and I ran from the parking lot, into the restaurant and right into her arms.

Then I woke up.

2:08 AM

Andy just called from Denny's. He wanted to know if I want to split a burger.

Hell, yeah.

Downtown Phoenix is gorgeous. It's so classy and blows downtown Springfield away. All the buildings are so modern. Some have awesome designs and shapes.

Andy said he'll be here in 20 minutes, but I know he really means 40. Must've been someone else's door I heard close.

Someone's got to check my bed frame. It feels like it's loosening. That's all I need is to be sound asleep when I suddenly go crashing down. I guess the clamps don't quite fit all that well.

4:30 PM

I am in the midst of the most gorgeous scenery now. We are back on South Mountain. He has never been here during the day and, of course, neither have I. It's breathtaking and I can see a million houses and roads. There are many huge mountains surrounding us. The mountains are mostly of rock, sand and cactuses. It sure does look like the desert.

Andy went off to explore and I'm sitting in the car. He's probably doing an imaginary interview.

11/6/1992 Fri. 3:08 AM

I can't sleep and that pisses me off.

I fixed my bed frame a few nights ago. It was a simple adjustment.

I had to go to the office to put in a work order to fix the lock on my door which was getting harder to open. As I walked into the office I was bummed to see only Stacey there. She just said, "Jodi," with a nod of her head as I walked in. I simply told her the problem and left.

I still haven't heard from my sister, so I don't know if she spoke to Stacey or Sheila yet. I really wish she'd hurry up and close my checking account in Norwich.

Stacey hasn't harassed me, but if she does she'll go to court with me. Maybe my threats of court were enough to scare her off. Or maybe she just realized she was way out of line and what she did was wrong. If she doesn't drop it and if she contacts me about it, I'll simply tell her that unless she has an apology for me, I have nothing to say.

I got a package from my parents. They sent towels which I have enough of. Some jellies which I never use, a pad of lined paper, typing paper, this pen I'm writing with, toilet paper, a purple-colored basket, 4 different neon-colored pencils, coupons, tape, scissors, a cigarette case and some of this stuff I gave to Andy.

She wrote two notes. One saying to please send her two of the monthly bulletins, cuz they're interesting. The other note said she kept most of the pictures, my place looks great, I look happy and maybe they'll come visit me next year. What's next year mean? Jan. of ‘93 or Dec. of ‘93?

She sent back the pictures I figured she'd send back. All the ones of me in my bikini where you could see me from head to toe. Also one from karaoke. She kept one karaoke, though, and maybe a couple of other shots of me in my suit. She also sent a few back that came out too dark. I'm sending these to Nervous.

Still no letters from anyone, but what else is new? As I said, I finished one for Fran. Next, I'll do one for Nerv and Tammy and Lisa. I'll get these all out by Sat. By the end of next week, I'll have letters for Tammy, Lisa and Becky and mom and dad. Kim and Bob, too. It'll be another month before Fran and Nervous get letters.

5:50 PM

I'm kind of bored and depressed right now. More so than I've been in a very long time. I do have plenty to do around here, but I'm having one of those why-can't-I-be-a-singer and what's-my-purpose-in-life spells. Well, then again I know why I can't be a singer and that's cuz I have no money and won't sleep my way there. After I go through that in my mind as I have a million times, I ask the next question. What's my purpose in life? I try telling myself that being at home is better than having to get up early every day, which I can't do, and go to a job I hate and have to deal with people till I get fired even without doing anything to deserve it. But I still feel like a waste product.

I did some singing today, and later Andy will be calling. Randy may also call if he goes to the store.

I should do letter writing, editing and drawing, but I kind of want to get out of here. To go where I don't know. I wish it were still summer and that Andy and I could go to Camelback Mountain to do our thing. However, it's a work night for him and he'll be crashing early.

I have a few other unpleasant things on my mind such as Tonya. I lent her two skirts, a shirt and a dress. I know she'd never rip me off, but she's a typical airhead I'm used to dealing with. Plus, she is gorgeous, so that ought to tell you something. I called over there yesterday and Tara answered. She is also pissed at Tonya's non-dependability. Tonya got 3 calls from Tara's boss saying she need not come to work and Tonya never gave her the message. Tara said she'd speak to her and I left another message a while ago saying I want them by tomorrow.

Another bothersome question is, why hasn't my sister called? What about my dad's test results? Her talk with Sheila and Stacey?

When Andy calls, I'm gonna have him put through a collect call to Kim. I think the only way to reach her would be later at night.

I also continue to wonder if Stacey has any nasty tricks up her sleeve, but if she does I'll deal with her.

I just had to get up to click the heat on. It's amazing how fast and well it works. I only need to turn it on for a little while to take the chill out, then I can shut it off all night. The heat stays inside very well. I see what they mean when they say Arizona only has two seasons. It went from very hot to very chilly. For the last week or so I've really felt like I was in Massachusetts. But this is how it would be there around the beginning of September, not the beginning of November.

11/7/1992 Sat. 2:42 AM

Well, as you can see my schedule's screwed up again, but oh well. I can't force myself to go to sleep whenever I want to.

I haven't heard from that deaf girl, but since she did call me, I'll call her. She gave me her number and I've got the relay number.

Tara called to say that she spoke to Tonya who is washing my clothes and will give them to me tomorrow. Tara's not as undependable as Tonya, but she is a little. She told me she'd call me when she got in from a party. As I figured, she never called and I wanted to give her her b-day card.

Randy went to the store and dropped off some lotion for me which I needed very badly. I ran out and you know how the Theodur really dries out my skin. And my hair. That was nice of him to pick it up for me while he was shopping.

Tomorrow Andy's taking me out to a nice restaurant. His treat. I'm looking forward to that. Prime rib and seafood. We're also gonna stop at Fry's, one of the grocery stores here.

I began a letter to Tammy, but I'll finish it tomorrow. I finished reading back in journal 2 and now I'm on 3. What a horrible writer I was then. I was so vague and confused, naïve, vulnerable and so damn dumb! It is kind of funny to look back at it now and laugh. It's pretty amusing. I think - how could I think, do or say certain things? I really would be embarrassed if anyone read my journals. Especially the first half of them. But then again, who cares? I'm sure people have written more stupid, shocking and amazing things than I have. Right? I'm sure, though, that Tammy read much more than I think or have any idea of. Especially while I was in Natchaug. She's got to have. She's my sister. There are some things about people you're close to that you just never quite know. Other things, you do know.

If I live a full life and die after my parents, sister and Andy, I wonder what would become of these journals. Of all my stuff? If I dropped dead right now, I suppose Andy and Tammy may read them, but would my parents or anyone else? My parents especially would die at 95% of the shit in these journals.

I'm still not sure whether or not to do a story. I lost patience before and told myself to wait a while, then take another shot at it. Should I write it in a journal? A notebook? Type it? I think I should type it, then copy it into a journal. This is good for a few reasons. It'll be like a rough draft and I can make any changes I want to make when I copy it in. I have tons of typing paper. This way I can see how long it goes. It'll go faster if I type it with no paragraphs, and any mistakes in my typing won't matter, and I won't get a crampy hand. At least not as much as I write so much other stuff. Writing in journals and writing letters. Yes, this is exactly what I definitely will do. I will type it. I wonder how long the story will go. Naturally, it can go as long as I keep it going, so I guess what I mean is, how long it's necessary to continue. There'll be only so many parts and events to each story, so it depends on how far I expand on each part of the story. Or stories. I have stories in mind. There's no real purpose in this. Just something to do. No one will read them, except maybe Andy. I can send the typed rough draft to Fran and Nervous.

11/10/1992 Tues. 2:46 AM

Bob called today. I spoke to him and Andy and taped it. I'm listening to that tape now. Bob sent a letter to me in the mail yesterday. I hope I get it Wed. Bob was the usual as far as Kim's concerned, going on and on about her. She abandons him more and more. I did manage to cheer him up, though. We laughed and told jokes and said our funny lines to each other.

Fran also called saying that someone kicked his door in and made mincemeat out of him, landing him in the hospital. First he told me the person who did it had a beef against someone he knew. Then, he said the person was looking to go after the person who previously lived in Fran's apartment. Either way, I believe it did happen. Andy asked me, "Do you believe that?" Yes, very much so. Knowing how Fran can piss people off and easily make enemies, I definitely believe it.

Andy said that Moon Shadow's not a girl. It's a boy and he's neutered. I got to thinking about that last night. I figured the odds of my finding a fixed cat were so slim. I never saw any balls so I figured it was a she. Then, I remembered all those saying she's too big for a girl cat. I realized he looked like Shadow did after he was fixed last night when he was laying on his back. I also realized that if it was pregnant, it'd show for sure by now. If it was a non-fixed male, the place would stink like it did with Shadow before he was fixed. Andy said it does have balls, but they're small. Is this another ironic coincidence, or what? Andy did say he's a reincarnation of Shadow. A total carbon copy. God answered my prayers and had him be fixed as he knew I could never afford it. Kim paid to fix Shadow. This cat is Shadow in black and white rather than orange and white.

Now why won't He answer my prayers to be a singer and have some lust?

11/12/1992 Thurs. 3:12 AM

It took me forever to do two small loads of laundry for Andy. One load in the washer kept stopping cuz it was off balance due to his heavy bath rug. One load in the dryer had to go through a second time cuz his clothes were still wet. But after quite a while I got it done.

I also went and got some groceries with Dennis and his mother, to hold me over till I get my food stamps.

Tonya returned my clothes when I asked for them.

Last Sunday afternoon I gave Tara a birthday card with some of our funny lines. She laughed and really liked it, but today is her b-day. Later on this evening I'll call her. If I don't get her I'll leave her a message.

I also wrote letters to Steve and Cassandra. I have no idea where Steve is or even if he's in MA. Still, I wrote to him at Woodside Terrace knowing that his letter will be forwarded to wherever he is. Cassandra will no doubt be happy to hear from me. She's been curious, no doubt, as to where the hell I've been. We were supposed to get together over the summer. I explained in the letter to both of them what's happened since I got to Norwich. I gave them my address and phone number.

I still haven't heard from Tammy or my parents, but I've sent them letters. Still can't reach Kim either, but Bob says he can't either. That's Kim for you, but I've sent her letters as well as Bob, Fran and Nervous. I can't find Jessie's address and I still must call her.

Dennis picked up some very strong glue and he's gonna fix my speakers soon. He took my box spring and mattress off its frame. The clamps for the frame's too big, so it's out on the patio. It was nice to have the extra space to store shit under my bed, but I made room in my closet.

Moon Shadow's asleep on the bed now. I kind of like it better this way so he can't mess with stuff under the bed. He's an angel and if there are a few things he doesn't have in common with Shadow, that's one of them. He's very well-behaved, but if I were to leave him here alone or have him indoors all the time, who knows what he'd do? Not only is it nice not to deal with litter boxes, but he'd wake me up for sure. Another thing that's the opposite of Shadow is that Moon Shadow likes Andy.

7:14 AM

I just pulled the funniest prank, but it turned out to be a little weird. I called a radio station and asked for one of the DJs named Kathy. I asked if she was single. She said yes and that she's given up, but her sister's coming from Wisconsin and they plan to go out and have a blast. She said that either they meet someone, or they won't.

I told her I only want to get together twice a month or so with no strings attached. She asked me if I could call back at 10:00 when she's ready to leave the station. I don't know how long I can keep awake as I've been up all night, but I gave her my number.

This girl's either just going along with the game like April did, or she's too stupid to realize I was hitting on her. Or, perhaps she thought I was speaking on behalf of some guy.

I forgot to write about Mother Tucker's restaurant. Of course, we call it Mother Fucker's. Andy had a coupon for a prime rib and crab leg dinner which we were gonna split. While we were waiting for an obnoxiously long time, we were noticing several people complain about the food being cold and uncooked. I wrote a crazy note to our definite fem waiter, then told him I was walking out. We waited forever just to have cold raw food. So many people walked out. As we were walking out the fem goes, "OK, let me gain my composure and I'll talk to you."

Andy said, "There's nothing to say. It won't be necessary. She just wants to go home."

We were cracking up on our way home. Then we pranked them about 5 times and I hit on a gorgeous, and I mean gorgeous, hostess.

11/13/1992 Fri. 4 AM

Friday the 13th always reminds me of my mom visiting in Deerfield. The last time I saw her was in Sept. of 1991, I think, but it seems like longer. It seems like it was two years ago.

Well, the 13th was bad luck for Rachel downstairs. The EMTs were here. Nancy was out walking her dog. I guess she's got to go to work and she said her son met her and something about her being an epileptic. I don't know, but I called down there. An EMT answered saying she was feeling a little lousy but would be OK.

My chest is tight and I'm wheezing. Gotta take my breathalyzer.

I met that deaf girl Jane earlier tonight. She's very nice. She walked over cuz she only lives across the street in another complex. She's 41 and is a teacher at the Phoenix Day School for the Deaf. She said I was very good and I didn't ask her. She just told me that and says she's met her fair share of shitty signers too, who only know a few signs and phrases. I wanted someone deaf who knew sign well. Her speech is not as good as Marlee Matlin's, but you can understand some words. Basically, you must read her signs to understand all she says.

Speaking of Marlee, she says she met her at some meeting with deaf people. She was the speaker, I guess, and that was here in Phoenix.

I will call her and we'll meet again soon.

Now for some disturbing news. Moon Shadow hasn't been around all day and night. Where in the world could he be? I only have two theories, but first of all, I can surely say he'd never wander off on his own. This is where his love, attention and food are, so he's held against his will somewhere. Who'd detain him, though? After I took him in, he'd go nowhere near anyone but Andy. He fought like hell to get out of Mary's place, so if someone has him I'm sure he'd be trying desperately to get out. I would think they'd let him go like Mary did if he were putting up a stink and trying to get out. I doubt he wandered off and got lost or hit by a car. The most probable theory is that someone took him and they won't let him go.

There's another theory I doubt and I sure hope to hell isn't true. That’s that the office and maintenance people took him. However, I've been told by people that maintenance won't nark on those who aren't supposed to have pets. They refuse to get involved or stick their noses in where it doesn’t belong. But after my beef with Stacey, who knows? They've always been nice to me and they've never given me any shit. Well, I never figured Stacey would either, but I think it's more likely that some idiot somewhere has him.

I mean, what luck to have a cat who's a carbon copy of Shadow and that's neutered. I need this cat. God, please don't take him now. Send him home to me, please.

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