Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
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1992-10-09 17:41:36 (UTC)

October 1992

10/1/1992 Thurs. 2:16 AM

We went to karaoke and neither of us won, but we had fun. It was definitely somewhat fixed as everyone knew each other, but no one knew us from a hole in the wall. First place won $75 and second won $25. The two people we thought would win 1st and 2nd place did not win at all. I sang better than I thought I would. About a 7 on a scale of 1-10. The girl who won 1st place sang better than me, but the girl who won 2nd was worse than me. At times she was OK, but for the most part, she sang flat. Both these girls were well-known there, too. There were also some pretty sucky singers, too.

For my warm-up song, I sang Different Drum by Linda. For the contest, I sang I Honestly Love You by Olivia Newton-John. The sound system was great and not too loud.

Andy's and my warm-up songs weren't sung as our greatest, but Andy's contest song was good. He held his notes well.

We went to Red Lobster first, and while I was there and until I began my warm-up song, I was nervous. Believe it or not, though, during my warm-up and contest song I was very relaxed.

Another amazing yet wonderfully fantastic thing is that no guy hit on me. Maybe cuz I was with Andy. It was nice for a change.

Earlier this afternoon Tara came over. I played her some guitar and I taught her the intro to Talk to Me. She's a quick learner and was grateful that I was patient in teaching her. Well, I told her she sure had way more learning patience than I do. Andy can vouch for that. She said I'd make a good music teacher as others have said. Well, I'm sure I could probably be a good teacher, but I'd rather do than teach. I don't mind showing people things I know that they want to know, though.

Tara also styled my bangs before we left and did a nice job.

While Tara was here Ellie came over and asked if I wanted to go swimming.

I took a walk over to my new apartment and asked the girl who’s been living there if I could take a quick glance at it, and she said that’d be no problem. I can't wait to get over there! 8 more days. The girl there has already moved all her stuff out and was in the process of cleaning. She won't be turning in her key till Friday, though. She had a 6-month lease and really enjoyed it there and said it was so quiet and Jeff and Andi are never home. I hope they don't move out and that a guy like Mark moves in next door. Or someone below me to bitch about my music.

The peephole is even higher than the one here. This girl is at least 5'5" or taller and she can't even reach it. I'll have to have them lower it.

The best part of it is when you look out onto the patio. I have total privacy and there's a tree surrounding it. The cool thing about it is that it looks like this tree is part of the apartment. Sort of like having a wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling mural of a tree, only this is a real tree.

What perfect luck and timing. Andy said that was the studio he wanted. If I had my pick of all 12 of the 2nd-floor studios here, this one would be the one I'd pick.

Andy moved in last June into a 1-bedroom. Last February he transferred to a studio. However, next June I believe he'll go back to a 1-bedroom.

10/3/1992 Sat. 4 PM

Kim sent me a letter, a really nice photo album, a book of stamps and 8 mailbags of 3 different sizes. I put 10 stamps on the package in which I'm sending her 5 tapes. I put 2 on a small bag which I'm gonna send Fran 1 tape in. He wants the hilarious Rick and Nervous fight along with some edits. I'm not sending any edits with my voice or Andy's in them cuz I know he's gonna play this tape for the whole city of Springfield along with other local towns.

I got a really nice letter from dad, along with a picture of Max holding two boxes of dog snacks.

Can't wait to move! Only a few more days to go and I'll have a phone, too. Andy says they were in there painting today.

I'll be sending dad's and Kim's letters to Nervous. He oughta get a kick out of them and have fun wondering why the hell I sent them.

My Second Vista Ventana Apartment…

10/11/1992 Sun. 3:30 AM

I moved last Friday the 9th. It's great up here and I wish I'd been here all along. Dennis, Brian and I moved my shit over using a dolly. The move went fine and we began around 2 PM and finished at 4:30 PM.

I met Brian's wife who's a nurse. She's nice.

No problem with the phone that was all ready when I got here. I really like that voice messaging. It's great to be able to talk to Andy, Ellie, Tara, Rachel, Dennis and whoever.

Tomorrow, or later, I shall write the millions of things I have to write about.

4 PM

When I first moved into 163 S, I got a box of rugs (who knows who they really belonged to?) along with my 30 boxes of stuff dad packed. I thought these rugs were from them, but they knew nothing about it. I gave them to Andy who used some as car seats. The others were out on his porch. I took two today. One covers a box that has my photo albums and posters. This is out on my porch. The other is to sit on and write. My raft is behind it so I can lean back against it. I was gonna write out there, but the sun's really searing down. In an hour or so it should be on Andy's side.

He just got home from work and is now listening to the messages left by Ellie and me.

Tara gave me permission to decorate her machine last night so I did. I also called Rachel. Tara and Rachel may come up later to check the place out. Maybe Stephanie too, but you can't count on her.

Steph, Andy and I played cards a few nights before I moved.

I got the place all set up in a day, as usual. The only place I kept stalling on setting up was Norwich. I just didn't want to be there and was too damn depressed. But when I finished I made that sick dive look somewhat livable. It needed all the help it could get. I guess we artistic people are the most creative.

I'll have to have Dennis come up some time. He and his mother and I did a little food shopping last night. His mom's got Alzheimer's disease. She's funny and is a lot like Andy and I and never makes sense. Only we know when we're goofing off and intending not to make sense. She doesn't. Alzheimer’s people can really turn on you, so I wouldn’t want to spend much time around her.

5 PM

Andy called as I was finishing my last sentence. He's gonna take me out to the King's Table and I'll do his laundry in exchange. The King's Table is an all-you-can-eat buffet. It's really nice. He says Stephanie's gonna go with us.

It's beautiful here and so much more private.

The night I moved in Jeff said, “Welcome to the building.” Later he called up to me asking if I wanted to say hello. I said I was busy.

The next day I made popcorn which I promised him for the shrimp he gave me. I knew it was also time to set him straight up front. I told him that this was his IOU, so to speak, and that I don't over-associate with neighbors.

He said, "OK, we'll give it time."

I said, "There's no time to give it and I will not be available to you for sex."

We haven't spoken since then, but I could've sworn I heard him call up to me last night. I'm not sure, but if I need to do to him what I did to Mark, I will. I'll make his life miserable here if I have to. I refuse to associate with male neighbors anymore! Males in other buildings are a different story.

Last night I think someone was peeping through their blinds in the building next to mine and watching me on my patio, but who gives a fuck about that?

About 5 days before transferring I really let Mark have it. First, the little fuck asked for a cigarette. I told him it was his last one as I'm no cigarette machine. He said he was too drunk to go to the store. I told him that was his problem and gave him the scissors to cut the filter. The little fuck carried on with the mouth and tried giving me a hard time giving me the scissors back. I got them eventually and he told me he wanted to piss me off. So, the little fuck went inside his place and I told him he got what he wanted. I went off for nearly two hours screaming outside his door. My rage built up and I chucked rocks at his door, fucked up the inside of his truck and demanded he open his door. Chicken shit stayed inside, but it felt so good to just go off. He'd pushed the last button, but I knew he enjoyed it and that was the final straw anyway. I was fed up. He'll get his. He thinks he's seen the last of me, but one by one his treatments will come. I wish that fuck face had a phone, but I left Robert a few messages late Friday night.

It was funny how Mark asked me why everything was off the walls when he was standing in the doorway. I said I waved my magic wand and made it all disappear. He remained in his place as we moved, but on my way out, after having Judy inspect, I yelled out, "Bueno bye!"

8:30 PM

Rachel, Stephanie and Andy came over. They really liked how I decorated and fixed the place up.

All 4 of us went out to eat and it was nice. Rachel seemed both happy and depressed. I guess she misses her boyfriend in Oregon.

Tara may be calling anytime now.

Yesterday I met Andi's best friend's parents next door. They were sitting inside her place with the door open, but Andi wasn’t there. They were very nice and said we’d really like each other. Andi's 27 and goes to school and works. That explains why she's never home. Neither is Jeff, so that's good.

You could see this woman and her husband were thinking what I think. That is, gee, it's nice to see Andi's got a nice female neighbor and not some perverted male.

I sang 3 songs and she said I have a beautiful voice. Also, to come see her at her antique store in the mall. Lastly, she said thanks for introducing myself, and maybe she'll see me Monday. They seem very nice and made me feel comfortable and I hope Andi turns out to be a fun and great neighbor like some were in Springfield. I'm looking forward to meeting her, surprisingly enough for a girl weary of people. Especially neighbors.

I can't wait for Fran to call. So far today when I checked my voice messaging there were two hang-ups. Maybe it was either Fran or Nervous. The great thing about VM is that if they do hang up you don't get that long obnoxious dial tone. But if you do you can just hit 33 and it'll go to the end of that message. I really love VM and there's no answering machine doing that annoying clicking. It's got lots of nice features.

I still have so many more things to write about, but I must take a break. My back is sore.

10:10 PM

I just spoke with Andy who's gone to bed. I got up at 2:30 yesterday and at 1:30 today. It is quieter here. The only obnoxious thing you hear is kids. Today nothing woke me up. Yesterday at 8:30 AM I thought I heard footsteps, but I must've been dreaming cuz Andy was asleep. Then, at 11:30 AM yesterday I woke up to Jeff playing his music, but that's fine and I fell back asleep to it.

About a week ago Tina put fake nails on me. She did a great job and they're still on. They look very natural. I can grow my own nails, but they look so horrible. The ridges are bad.

Rachel gave me a few things she didn't want. A pillowcase with teddy bears, two shirts, a rug that fits around the toilet and a nightgown. She said she'll let me know if she has more stuff for me when she sorts through her stuff. Her place is still trashed with stuff piled to the ceiling. She's got way too much stuff for a studio. She said she wishes she was on the 2nd floor and wants me to help her decorate in two weeks.

Tara and Tonya may want me to clean for them. Tara now has a job and she starts school soon. So, she's not sure about dancing now.

Tammy told me she found a letter she typed up a while back that fell behind the counter and never got mailed to me. I hope she mails it to the right apartment number. I also hope everyone writes more often. Lisa hasn't written to me in quite a while. Since before she went to Florida. I've sent out tons of letters to Cousin Boo, Tammy, Lisa, Becky, mom and dad, Nervous, Fran, Bob and Kim. I hope Fran writes, but he told me he got the tape I made for him. I called him from Andy's after trying to call collect from my phone. A guy at the phone company said I'd be able to call collect, but that's bullshit. Fran, as usual, owes quite a bit on his phone. He'll call when he can, he told me. He tells me he no longer has 3-way or call-waiting.

Kim should've received her 5 tapes by now.

In a few months, I'll leave a red bra I don't want that ma sent me on Mark's door. I'll also have Andy write a note saying "she's" seen him at the pool and let's get together at whatever time. I'll have him write that he should go to the mailboxes and I'll be there laughing. I'll also send a letter one of these days. To Barbara, too. Kacey, Brenda, Jimmy and Russ S all recently got one.

I need a cigarette break now.

10:30 PM

I'm so glad Andy and I went over to Ellie's that night. Not only to make my skirt with shells, sequins and colored glue, but to get her phone number. That was the biggest mistake of her life cuz she's another Nervous. We won't over-harass her so she doesn't change her number.

I just went and put a cloth hair elastic on my thumb as my index fingernail was jamming into it.

I got no calls about buying my answering machine. I also haven't seen that really pretty girl Melissa.

I saw Gloria last Thursday night on The Tonight Show. I wish she didn't cut her hair. She certainly looks older than she did in 1987. She looked somewhat tired and I noticed her face was full, round and puffy. Did she gain weight? As for her singing, some of her notes sounded good and some were strained.

Am I ever gonna see the rest of my Gloria picture collection?

Tara's birthday is on November 12th and I want to do something nice for her. Maybe I'll draw her a picture.

I found the photo of Tammy, Bill and the girls on their swings along with the drawing of it I had begun. Dad shoved it in with my sheet music. I gotta get on with that and send it to Tammy. I've been promising them this for a while.

My phonebooks oughta be arriving soon. Good. Then I won’t have to call 1411 and pay 60 cents.

I may get a package from mom and dad next week.

I must have Andy finish my roll of film now that I'm moved and all set up and his sister and nephew couldn't make it.

I'll write about April after I smoke the second half of my ciggie.

11 PM

I've been writing for almost an hour now.

Andy and I went to check out several bars a week ago. At first, we were bored as all hell, but then it got interesting. I met a girl (April) and yes she does have a butch haircut and her clothes were a little butchy too, but nice. We exchanged numbers cuz I figure that I'll have to settle sooner or later and she's not wicked dyky or ugly or a man. I told her my phone would be on on the 9th, but I keep putting off calling her. I just can't get into it anymore, but maybe I'll call and just be friendly eventually.

I'd so much rather have first best or live on fantasy. Fantasy's so much easier. It's all I can really deal with now, so I can be myself. I'm too independent and secure with myself. I need my space. I need to be able to click it out of my mind when I am not in the mood to fantasize. I can't do that in a real relationship. I hate sharing a bed, of course, and I only have a twin-size bed anyway. I don't have to answer to or explain to anyone. I understand myself and that's what counts. In fantasy I can, say, do or ask what I want the way I want to.

I also met a few others at another bar. Two were good-looking, but they were all nice. The good-looking ones were Holly and Melanie. Their lovers were there. Holly's lover Janet was nice and I gave both of them my number. There was this girl Tammy who was nice, but an ugly butch. I could tell that Holly and Melanie may be interested. I'm surer about Holly, but we'll see if she calls or not.

I had to bullshit April. When I asked her if she did flings or relationships, she told me it's got to be a solid relationship. I naturally had to lie and say I'm into that, too.

10/13/1992 Tues. 1:30 AM

Last night at 2 AM I decided to finally call April. She said she tried to call once, but got a busy signal.

We did end up having a fairly good talk for a little over an hour. About general stuff like past lovers and our interests in people and life. I never told her anything personal about myself. I only told her how I feel about people in general and that I'm used to being alone.

My ESP and all that came up. She reacted like Tara and Tonya did. She thought it was neat. She asked several questions and I answered all but two correctly according to her.

Now, for the typical part of what usually happens. She was supposed to come over at 9:00. She said she'd have no problem finding it, but she never showed up. Never even had the decency to call. Right away that tells me something about her. I also believe it's a signal and a reminder from "the planner." Well, I guess it sure saves me from a lot of bull, and I was pretty nervous. I am too old to play this game, but it took away my fun of dumping. Having been the dumpee way more than the dumper, I'd really like to even the score, do the right thing, and it is the thing to do. I was gonna go along with her if anything had begun, then ditched her once I'd had enough.

I called a few times and her brother answered saying she wasn't there. At around 11:00, I got a busy signal till midnight, then it just rang and rang. I said to myself, here we go again. Now it's up to her. If she wants to call, let her.

Tara called at almost 1 AM. She has both school and work and the poor girl must get up at 6 AM!

10/15/1992 Thurs. 8:10 PM

I got a Halloween card in the mail today from Andy. Originally, I thought it was from mom and dad till I recognized the handwriting. I also got a letter from Tammy.

10/18/1992 Sun. 3:15 AM

I just glued into my journal cover the stickers that Andy had stuck all over the envelope of the Halloween card he sent me.

I finally got ahold of April who told me she got lost and also lost my number. I do believe her, but now that I gave her my number again, it's up to her. I've done my fair share. Let her pursue me now.

I also spoke to dad earlier. He's glad to hear I'm all settled in here and like it much much better.

Tammy also called a few days ago. She's bummed about not being able to work at the fire department, and was in the ER cuz of her knee.

I have so much to write in letters to her, mom and dad, but keep forgetting to mention every little thing I want to mention. I should make notes every time I think of something. I write to my family and Fran and Nervous quite frequently. I wish people would write to me more often. It'll be months before I hear from my family or Kim again. I wonder why I haven't heard from my niece Lisa.

I have several other things to write about like Velma's cutting my hair, Moon Shadow, my neighbors, a package from mom and dad, the call we made to Robert, reading back in my journals, and whatever else I can think of.

I haven't seen Mark at all which is cool. Soon I will leave him that red bra that ma sent that’s too big.

I may send ma back some pitiful clothes she sent to the 1st-floor apartment and possibly a tape of Andy singing in Spanish. Trying to, I should say. I may also send it to Kim as I don't think she has the one of Andy singing in Spanish. I believe Andy made that tape after I sent Kim those 5 tapes. I know she got them OK as they weren't returned to me and Fran got his.

I finally got a kitchen pail earlier in the evening when Andy and I went out food shopping.

Two nights ago I ran into Randy at the Jacuzzi and Robert who had nada to say.

Randy came up to see my new place and he also hooked up my VCR but we couldn't program all the channels I want to. The reception's sort of shitty.

I told him I had to junk my typewriter and that Andy said he saw an electric one for $25 at the thrift store. He mentioned checking it out.

He also told me that it was he who was leaving the TV guide at my door. He left it twice which was nice. I thought it was him or a guy named Mike I recently met. I do believe I mentioned Mike in one of the last two journals.

Randy is a very nice friend to have and is far from your typical male. This is nice for a change. He looks OK for being 40 years old and he made me think of Tammy as he'd be the type she'd go for if she were single. Then again she seems to prefer guys with a bite.

I bought a really nice notebook last week. A wireless one but I love the cover so much. I'll put it on the wall when I've used it all up. It's got music and neon-colored flowers and high-heel pumps. The paper is for writing to people like Fran and Nervous. I like to use my stationery for my family. Soon I'm gonna need to buy more, but maybe mom and dad will send some. I began with 72 sheets of stationery and now I only have 25 left.

After I moved and got the place all set up I finished the roll of film my parents sent. I took half a dozen shots of the apartment. I'd like them to send another roll so I can take pictures of myself in different outfits. Clothes they've sent and clothes I bought. I'm also gonna develop two copies myself. This way if any comes out bad I can pull them out. I'll send one copy to mom to do whatever she wants with. The other copy, along with pictures Andy took a few months ago will be sent to Tammy, but she must send them back. After Tammy's sent her copy back and if ma sends her copy back, I'll distribute one copy between Fran and Nervous.

I made one call to Fran and two to Nervous from Ellie's phone right before I moved. Ellie changed her number 5 days or so after I moved.

8:12 AM

I just spoke to Tammy and gave her my idea. I suggested she sell my songs since she's bummed out about the fire dept. and hard up for money. She's got transportation and business know-how. She's gonna think about it.

I also told her I predicted 4 things for mom and dad. One was close and the other 3 were a bust. Therefore, I wanted to do a distance test to see if that had anything to do with it. I don't think it has anything to do with it except for in the beginning. Once you're in tune with someone, that's it, but I can see you'd have to re-learn tuning into them at a distance.

I told her the first thing I felt she couldn't answer yes, no, or close, cuz it's in the future. January should be her best money month. I asked if a little boy hurt his leg falling out of a tree or if anyone else ever fell out of a tree. She said not that she knew of. I also asked if Lisa came running out of her room screaming about a spider. She said no. Then, the last thing I asked was if Bill hurt his hand. She said yes, so that's a start.

10/19/1992 Mon. 3:30 AM

Andy and I called Fran. We didn't talk too long and we're gonna split the bill. Most of what Fran had to say was bullshit as usual anyway.

On the 11th or 12th, Velma trimmed my hair. Personally, I think Ellie did a better job. Ellie brought it from 1" below my waist to the waist. Velma's brought it from 1" below the waist to 1-2 inches below the middle of my back. This really pisses me off. The weird thing about it, though, I saw the hair on the floor and it really did look like 2". So, why does it now look considerably shorter? When Ellie trimmed it, no one could tell. But with Velma's, it is noticeable. My hair was almost to my waist when I moved to Dfld. I have been so stalled and set back. My hair should be to my ass now. Not the same length as April of 1991. I know my hair is still in shock and everyone's does that when it's cut. I know it grows very fast and will be right back to where it was in 3 weeks to a month, but I'm not cutting it for a year.

4:45 AM

Now that the days are not so hot, I wanna get on a day schedule for a while so I can go tan without getting sun poisoning. I'm losing my tan. In the daytime, it's in the 90s. At night it gets to the low 70s/high 60s and it's slightly chilly. Can you imagine that? It's cuz there's no humidity. 70º back east is warm. It hasn't rained for nearly 2 months here. Back east it's damp, dreary and rainy half the time.

My hair is definitely coming out of shock now, but I won't cut it again till Dec. of ‘93 or Jan. of ‘94. The year I "thought" I was supposed to get my foot in the door musically.

A zillion other things happened that I swore never would or could, so now that I'm in total doubt about singing, will it happen? Yeah, right! I never thought I'd get to Phoenix, have sex with a girl looking like Ann Marie and so many other things. I never thought I could draw or be psychic. But a singing career is the ultimate dream. And quitting smoking. Never having the ultimate sexual attraction is easier to live without. Plus, even if I got it, it'd never be as good as it is in my fantasies.

I have mixed emotions about quitting smoking. A part of me says to continue smoking and die a slow, young painful death. Another part says quit and live with always dying to smoke and get fat so I can breathe, save money, get off medication and be able to sing without coughing up phlegm.

Remember how I used to stick to writing love stories with all my characters? I'd always lose patience, but it's been a while. Maybe I should try again. I'll do it in a notebook first, see how long it runs, then copy it into a journal whether or not I see it through. I'm gonna write more convos from tapes, too. I know I never finished that one with Fran telling the crisis center in Northampton how he planned to jump off of the Northampton high school roof.

Fran gave me Bobbie's address and I'll send her a wacky letter along with some hair. It'd sure be nice to know Tracy's address and phone if she even has one. Fran keeps on insisting that Tracy is in jail, but the truth is 50/50 with him. Is it a lie or true, who knows? But, I can easily picture someone like Tracy in jail. She's a con artist, a thief, tough and a butchy, so you never really do know.

7:40 AM

Andy told me that if I didn't hear him up at 6:45 to slam my closet door and I did. He called out thanks from his bedroom window. It's neat, though, to be able to do this. We always wanted to live together, yet separate. It's like we're roommates, but we have our own private territory.

Well, I'm timing how long it'll take to read each journal from 1-30. So far, it took 1 hour and 20 minutes to read #1. Two hours and 35 minutes for #2 which I'm still not quite done with. Almost.

Right when I moved I left a couple of goofy messages on Robert's machine. One night Andy and I called Robert at 2 AM and began saying our weird shit on his machine. Eventually, he picked up and said, "Jodi, you better stop doing this. I got your voice on tape. I don't know what your little problem is. You're a tramp."

I said, "I told you we were very weird."

He said, "Yeah, you are."

"What are you gonna do about it?" I asked.

He said, "You'll see, but it's 2:00 in the morning.”

Funny how 2:00 in the morning is too early to wake someone up, but 4:00 isn't.

Also funny how a girl who's only had two one-nighters in a year and a half can be a tramp. He just said this cuz he wanted my body. He also changed his number.

Shit! Here goes those fucking obnoxious lawnmowers.

My neighbors are nice. I've seen Andi and her best friend Gretchen, but 95% of the time she's not home. Andi and Gretchen are so pitifully ugly and I think they're both gay for sure.

Mary, the girl below her and next to Jeff is very nice. She can't walk too well cuz she's got CP, but her speech is fine. Not like Melissa, Fran's friend. She's sort of pretty and in good shape for being 30 years old. She gave me her number and I gave her and Andy mine. They both say Jeff is a very nice guy. I guess I believe that cuz he hasn't bothered me or tried to talk to me.

I got a package from my parents with paper towels, Kleenex, toilet paper, a really nice cream-colored shag rug for the bathroom, a nice shirt, and a nightgown. Also, some liquid dishwashing soap, but I told them not to send any unless it's for dishwashers.

Am I ever gonna get the rest of my pictures?

10/20/1992 Tues. 3:13 AM

I got a Tina Turner CD in the mail today. I think I've got CDs coming to this new apartment soon. Under the name Savannah, I think. I'm not sure, so I'll wait and see. If I don't get anything, I'll fill out a form for more. There are 2 separate clubs. I'm sure Andy wouldn't mind if I sent CDs to his place, too.

Gloria has her Greatest Hits out now, and I hope that'll show up in record catalogs. As well as one recently released by Linda in Spanish.

Andy grilled us steaks he bought. I supplied us each with a baked potato. Unfortunately, I couldn't enjoy the potato that much cuz I thought I had margarine, but I don't.

Damn! I just remembered I let Andy borrow it. Why didn't he say anything about it?

3:47 AM

I just had the creepiest, goriest thing happen. As I was at the kitchen table writing, I noticed a movement along the metal side of the table. The one I was sitting at. I thought it was a cricket, but it was a huge spider! I backed away quickly and it almost came down on my lap. It was barely an inch away.

As I was waking up early this evening, my ESP said there was a spider on the ceiling above my bed. There was. A baby one, though.

I called Andy's machine telling him about the spiders and asking if he's got my margarine.

What I wrote about the spiders reminded me of the bee incident in Norwich. I woke up feeling a bee was inside somewhere and sure enough it was in the kitchen window. I remember telling that to Tammy.

I must finish the drawing of Tammy, Bill and the girls on their swings, and draw something for Tara's b-day.

4:12 AM

Two weeks or so before I moved to this apartment, I was sitting on my patio when I noticed a black and white cat. I was shocked at how brave and friendly she was. I gave her some milk and she was so determined to go inside with me. I wouldn't let her and eventually, she gave up and disappeared. After that, I'd see her around the complex. Others commented on how friendly she was. They said as far as they knew she was a stray. I figured as much myself. Before I moved I had a feeling that this cat would check out other tenants, then settle on me at the new apartment. I was right. Only a few days after I got here she showed up at my door. She's been here ever since. She's the sweetest little thing and is 100% like Shadow! Mary, downstairs, gave me some cat food telling me she feeds her here and there. She's big like Shadow was. Another strange yet nice coincidence is that we meow together like Shadow and I used to. Isn't that weird? And cats don't just do that. They must be trained. Her mannerisms are so much like Shadow's and she's so loving. Maybe cats do have 9 lives, although I don't know if Shadow's dead. I doubt if Shadow's dead, and this cat is older. How old, though, I have no idea. I'd guess between 1-2 years, but I hope she's not pregnant. I need not buy a litter box, which is nice. I put her out when I'm gone, asleep or just not wanting her all over me and she does her jobs outside. I hear her getting into catfights every day, too. As far as spaying and shots, I don't know what I'll do about that, or if I ever will. It still costs money I don't have even with a low-income discount. At first, I was gonna name her Oreo. I stole the idea from Kim who had a black and white cat. Mary came up with Domino, but Andy's was the best. Moon Shadow.

10/21/1992 Wed. 4:47 AM

I woke up at 6:00 this evening to someone slamming their door. I knew it wasn't Andy as he was at the state fair. The day before I also woke up at 6:00, so I was ticked. I wanted to sleep past that.

When he got in he said he had something for me. He had a tiny teddy bear he won and a cassette single of Gloria. It's a song called Always Tomorrow she wrote for the hurricane victims. All royalties from the sales of that single go to help the hurricane victims and it'll be on her Greatest Hits album due to be released soon.

He and I both got very strange messages from Ellie. She reminds us of Fran acting desperate, crying out for attention. It's not what she says. It's how she says it.

Now for something awesome which turned into a bummer. When I went to open the door for Moon Shadow, an electric typewriter was there! I ran down to the Jacuzzi to see Randy who I knew would be there, but what a bummer it was when we came to discover the motor was shot. He called the guy who gave it to him. Randy claims the guy's honest and they've done business together before. The guy said it may be a loose or broken belt, but it is the motor. Well, tomorrow Andy and I are gonna go to the thrift store as we planned last week anyway. I called them and they said they always have electric typewriters and some are junk and others are nice. Tomorrow from 9:00 to noon, everything's half off. So, a $25 typewriter will be around $13 or $14 with tax.

On the 20th of every month, I'm supposed to get a $50 check from mom, but I haven't gotten it. I hope tomorrow.

I still must get my pictures developed and buy stamps.

10/26/1992 Mon. 6:18 AM

Yesterday Jeff managed to program my VCR. We got channels 5, 8, 10, 12, and 45, but not 3.

He let me go down and use his microwave to pop some popcorn since mine's too wimpy.

All I must fix now is the spacer on my new Smith-Corona electric typewriter. Randy's gonna do it and it's minor. Everything works fine, except when I hit the space bar it sticks. We went to the thrift store last Wednesday during their half-off time. They had two, but they were broken. This is a top name, very nice and usually very expensive typewriter. It normally goes for $200. He asked for $40. I said I'd pay $20 and I did.

I bought a leather bikini, but I must have Ellie take it in cuz it's a size 10. I also want Ellie to fix a skirt waistband for me.

7:36 AM

I wonder if Andy has the day off today. I haven't heard him turn on the shower. He usually has Tuesday and Wednesday off. He's told me he's gotten to hate getting up early. I never liked it myself, unless I'm changing my schedule.

My pictures were developed, but ma got the wrong speed of film. I told her to get 35mm ISO 100, but she got 35mm ISO 200. A few came out too dark, blurry and far away, even though he was right in front of me. Most of them came out OK and the shocking thing is, is that I look so thin in them all. Also, you can see how solid I am. There were even a couple where I looked like a woman for a change and not a girl. I mailed a copy to my parents and the other to Tammy. I also mailed Tammy the ones I sent to mom that she couldn't stand which were taken right after I got here. Tammy got 46 pictures and mom's getting 34. They could get them today, although I'd say more like tomorrow or Wed. I also sent Nervous and Fran the same ones of me in the Jacuzzi. I have to mail out the pictures and letters to Fran, Nervous and Tammy.

I hope my mother has mailed me the $50 she promised on the 20th of every month. She also says she's sending my other guitar out in a month. Who knows if my other pictures are in the guitar case or not? I do hope so.

I spoke to Bob the other day who said he got “two hairy letters.” He's not gonna move as he'd planned. We had a nice talk. He and Kim very very seldom see each other. She abandons him for longer periods of time each time. Makes me wonder just how often I'd see her at this point if I were still there. Maybe once every 1-2 months. He says he'll write, but we'll see.

I keep trying to get ahold of Kim to be sure she's gotten her tapes and see how she likes them. Naturally, her machine came on. Bob says she's got a new boyfriend. A doctor. Yeah, I can see her being able to get a doctor. Well, I'm sure she got the tapes cuz Fran got his and they were never returned to me.

I've got to go to Fry's today and either buy or make a Halloween card for Andy.

Fran says he's gonna write a letter, but I know better. He doesn't have the mentality.

My niece hasn't written since the end of last July when she went to Florida. When am I gonna hear from her? I know she's been busy with Hebrew school and Sunday school and chorus and band, but I hope she finds time to write.

Moon Shadow is still fine. Very friendly and loving and meowing back and forth with me. It's nice to not have to deal with a litter box, but I think she may be pregnant.

I had an ad up a while back to sell my answering machine. No one called about it, so I wonder if I should re-post the ad. Also, one asking for a fan. I need one in the bedroom. If Moon Shadow has kittens I'll need to post an ad.

I need to call Dr. Kareus to reschedule a pap smear. I'm terrified at the thought of that and I also still have a discharge. The antibiotics did me no good. I’m still extremely congested and tight in the chest, too.

4:07 PM

Last night I ended up bored for a while, so I decided to call April and flake out on her. The conversation really did end up normal, but my first question was based on the typical airheads I get. That was, did she lose my number again? She said she didn't lose my number, but wasn't getting along with her parents. I asked her what she meant. She said that half the time her family accepts her and the other half they don't. She said her father was throwing his bible at her. She asked me what I thought of the bible. I said I didn't believe in it and felt it was merely the opinion of those who wrote it. What may be for some people may not be for others.

She said she needed to get out on her own, but wasn't sure if she could afford it. On the 3-way I called the office and she spoke to Paula about a studio. An appointment was made for her at 3:00 today. I felt she'd be too air-headed and undependable to show up and I was right. The other day I thought, wow, this tells me something about April. Today, this really, really tells me something about April. First, she got lost and lost my number. I said that's OK, she's only human, people make mistakes and those are the types I get, so I have to just deal with it. Then, I gave her my number and she still never called for a week or so. Now this. So does she really want to meet me? That's not even the question at this point. The question is, do I want to meet her? Absolutely 100% not. Not even if she called me now. If she wanted to, she'd have found a way to last week.

Mom's $50 came today, thank God.

I also called to reschedule with the doctor. I decided against another pap cuz they hurt too much and I'm still having discharges. The nurse said that can be cleared up. Well, I don't believe her. I've had this since I was 21. I think it could be related to the DES. I'll just concentrate on my asthma and allergies.

I went to the store today and got Andy a Halloween card.

I also laid out at the pool for a little while. Dennis, Sue and some guy were there.

I haven't seen or heard from Rachel, Tara or Tonya, but they know my number.

My CDs came under a phony name, but the office didn't take them. I'm surprised cuz they have before. Whenever I move I get CDs. I called the office and told Paula that if I ever got mail under my name or any other and it's in my address and apartment number, they're to take it. I also called the PO for redelivery and asked that Pete (our mailman) leave it out by my door.

Bobbie called, but I'll write about that after I have a smoke.

10/30/1992 Fri. 2:07 PM

A lot has been going on since I last wrote and it's not too good. I am at the doctor's as I write, nervous as all hell. I really don't like this guy. Not cuz he is a guy, but cuz he seems insensitive and rough. Some men and women are rough while others seem gentler. I refused a pap smear figuring my discharges are hopeless. I'll never get rid of them.

Everything was going great until the day before yesterday. The problem is with Stacey, the apartment manager. Also with Ellie and April, as I mentioned before, turned out to be a joke. That's my fault, though, for getting involved in the first place and exchanging phone numbers with her. I set my own self up for something I knew would happen. The day she didn't show up for her appointment, Andy called her. She seemed friendly and she said she forgot about her appointment, then said to hang on, but she really hung up. Some people just love to play games.

Kara came over yesterday and we had a nice visit.

The only friendships that I believe will last are with Kara, Tara, Tonya, Randy, Dennis and his mom. That's enough friends and better than nothing, but I'll get into all the bad news later.

The only other good news is about the Phoenix Day School for the Deaf. Remember I said I wrote a letter to them for someone to sign with? Well, a 38-year-old woman named Jane called through the Arizona relay last night. She lives very close by and we will probably get together next week.

Later I'll write about Stacey and other people’s shit.

Dennis and his mom drove me here. I'll call Dennis when I'm through here. It'll no doubt be a while.

4:30 PM

What is it with that fucking doctor? My appointment was at 2:15 and by 4:00 I got sick of waiting. They said it's like that every day, but then why do they go and schedule so many people? I was told Wednesdays were the busiest, so pick any other day. So much for that. I'll reschedule one of these days.

The nurse was very nice and commented on my journal. I told her I'd been doing it for 5 years. She said, "Well, you inspired me. I'm gonna get into it."

Why didn't I dump Ellie when I last said I would? If I'm not gonna get the better class of people why do I settle on the assholes? I mean, I don't compared to years ago, but I'm mad at myself as well as at her. Mad at her for fucking me over and mad at myself for taking her back as a friend and asking for trouble.

She and I both left funny messages on each other's machines. She knew I could handle her calls to me and it seemed like she could handle it too, but I guess not. She changed her number, which is one thing, but to go to the office about it is another while she's calling me being friendly and all lovey-dovey.

After I write the shit about Stacey, I'll write about what I did to Ellie to try to get her to stay off my back, my phone, and out of my life. And Andy's, too.

5 PM

I just ran to the office to buy stamps and give my rent check which cannot be cashed till the 3rd.

I mailed my phone bill and can you believe it was $105.11! That's with the installation and the monthly charge. Then there's tax like you wouldn't believe.

Judy was in the office and she was very friendly. She and Paula are nice. Stacey is the bitch and I'm not alone in that opinion. I've heard several others complain about Stacey. She's just another person who's got a good job with good pay with a mask on. The mask says, "I'm stable and better than everyone else. Especially those on SS." Remove the mask and there's a very insecure person having a bad day or bad time in life who's got to take it out on others. She's got to judge others who she doesn't even know. Real stable, huh? But this doesn't mean I'm gonna settle for the Ellie's of the world either.

I moved off the patio to my table where it's easier to write. It's getting dark, too.

I'm listening to one of my new CDs. I had given Tammy my CD by Neil Diamond so I replaced it.

Someone's making popcorn. Good idea.

10/31/1992 Sat. 5 PM

Andy has to work a double shift. He won't be home till 9:30 PM. He left a message saying he'll just come home, run around in his Batman cape, come home, go to bed, then get up for work and start the whole process over again. He said his whole Halloween is shot down the drain.

I sure hope no trick-or-treaters knock on my door tonight. Or anyone else. Mary and I discussed the fact that we don't want Moon Shadow outside with the trick-or-treaters. Especially kids and all those satanic psychos. Holidays tend to bring out psychos. Especially Halloween. I heard on the radio that if you have a black or partially black cat, you should keep them inside. Black cats go with Halloween just like witches, ghosts and goblins and candy corns do. Soon, I'll call Mary and she's gonna keep Moon Shadow till late tonight. Moon Shadow no longer likes to visit other tenants like she used to. Mary said as soon as she comes into her place, she wants out. I always have a hard time putting her outside. Except for when she's got to go to the bathroom. It certainly is nice not having to deal with the expense and foul smell of litter boxes. I'm on my patio now and so is she. She's sound asleep now.

10:04 PM

I still have lots to write about concerning Stacey, probation, and other things. I had a little scare, but now I am so much more relieved. I spoke to Tammy earlier and it was like a big weight lifted off my shoulders with what we discussed. She confirmed what Andy, Randy, Kara and Dennis said.

I spoke to a Mike M at the Compact Services of Paroles and Probations. Compact Services deals with people coming from other states like I did. He scared the shit out of me at first when he told me MA had no right to send me here. He said that if I was a resident here to begin with, went to MA, got in trouble there, then returned here with immediate family here, I could reside here. So, he said it's up to MA to either leave me the hell alone or extradite me. I told them Arizona can refuse me all they want, but meanwhile, I was given written permission to come here. I'm here and I'm staying here. He said it's out of his hands and to call MA.

The day before this talk with Miller, both Andy and I were called into the office to meet with Stacey. I'll get into that later as Andy's getting out of his work clothes and is gonna be calling any second.

11:19 PM

I just had a really nice chat with Andy.

I just realized I haven't seen Mark since I moved. Never ran into him on the way to the mailbox. He may not even know I still live here. It's been nice not seeing him anyway.

It's amazing how time flies. I've been in this apartment for 3 weeks now. Also, I've been in Arizona for almost 5 months. I moved to the 163 S. apartment on the 15th of June, but June 9th and also Oct. 9th were the days I got here and to this apartment. So there are two days on the 9th that are good dates to remember. And the 27th that just went by.

Moon Shadow's asleep on my bed with me while I write. Earlier when I was writing on the patio, she was crashed out there. Then, she crashed on my bed with me while I watched the shows I taped from last night. Then, I brought her to Mary's. Mary was saying how she no longer likes to stay there and I guess she didn't want to be there tonight either. She was growling as I brought her down to Mary's. Mary was gonna call me to go get her later, but I just opened the door about 15 minutes ago and there she was. Mary never called and obviously, Moon Shadow didn't want to stay with her.


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