Where Pelicans Fly
July 1992 (last week)
7/24/1992 Fri. 4 PM
Well, I sure had an adventurous last two days! I'll save the best for last. First, I met this girl, Fay, who I've seen around here a lot. She sort of reminds me of Tracy K, although she's not quite that ugly. Close though. I'd never touch her, even though she’s bi. She's got a boyfriend and a son but she's had threesomes and lots of woman fantasies. She's very tall and heavy with very short hair.
I just stopped for a while cuz Andy came over. I gave him Julie B's letter which he's gonna mail when he goes home from August 1st – 8th. He'll be spending most of his vacation at the beach. Julie is a friend of Velma's. Or was. She's a hairdresser like Velma but she did some things to piss Velma off. Velma says she will hear all about the letters and get a good kick out of it. We just wrote a bunch of strange stuff. Nothing too scandalous.
I also played Andy a CD of Stevie Nicks.
Tomorrow between 4:00-4:30 we're gonna go to Donna's place for the twin-size mattress she's got, I guess. We'll see, but if she stands me up I'll never count on her for shit again. We're gonna go in Mark's truck.
I spoke with Mark yesterday and also met a friend of his. His friend asked me out to the movies with him but I told them I was gay. Mark said no problem, but he hates gay guys. He said, however that cuz he's my friend he'll be cool. I said he better be cuz Andy's not the least bit attracted to him and not to flatter himself. Also, anyone who fucks with my friend is fucking with me.
Mark and I also went swimming yesterday and today he brought me to a church to get food till I can reapply for food stamps. They usually have a Spanish interviewer there but he was out at the time. Two women spoke no English so I interpreted for them.
When Fay came over she had a piece of cheesecake for me. It was really good. We chatted here, then I brought her to Andy's and we got some wrong numbers. We had some fun with those. I chatted with her today and told her all about my visit to Rosemarie and Rick's place. It went super well, too. I've been pretty psyched about that. I told Fay how I felt about her before I finally got to meet her and talk to her last night.
When I get back from the pool, I'll write all about it. Right now, though, I really am dying to go for a swim.
I am going to bed soon so I'll write a little bit about Rosemarie and Rick. I was over to their place yesterday and today and I really like them both very much. I was a little nervous last night but tonight I felt much more relaxed. We all laughed and joked and talked about many things. Not sure I liked Rick’s joke about my being cheap cuz I’m Jewish, though. Don’t get me wrong. I can take a joke. But was it purely a joke, or was he being serious in some way? His tone made me wonder.
Most people blush when they're around people they're attracted to, so I thank God I'm fried with lots of color all over to hide it. My face would've been as red as it is from the sun. I've gotten a lot of color too.
My first night there, I noticed how they were really determined to get to know me. They really wanted to know all they could about me. They insisted I stay and talk and they said I was welcome to their place anytime. They were really coming at me from all different angles, attacking me with several questions. Their curiosity was genuine, not phony. They seemed very truly interested in all I had to say. Rosemarie kept asking me to sing and asking questions about that.
It at least seemed that they were open-minded and sensitive and very accepting. I even had no problem telling them of my being on SS.
Last night, before I went over there, I had to think of an excuse. I know this was being a little dishonest, but I told them some girl knocked on my door telling me Rosemarie had something to tell me. Next time I see them, Andy's friend pulled this "joke" on me is what I’ll say.
I told Andy all about last night. Next time I see him, naturally I will fill him in on tonight's visit which was 10 times better. Rosemarie brought up the subject of a boyfriend, so that's when it all came out. Right away they were quick to reassure me that they did not think any less of me cuz of how I am but they did have a zillion questions for me. I told them to ask away and that I'm used to answering tons of questions and am very open about it.
Eventually, we were laughing and joking about everything from this butch who used to live near them to the underwear my mom sent that could cover her car. Rosemarie said there were two gay women next to her. One was feminine and nice, the other a mad, bitchy, jealous butch. She used to give Rosemarie dirty looks and Rosemarie said she was terrified of her.
Rosemarie also knows I'm very attracted to her. I am so glad we met. She and Rick are so friendly. They are very accepting of me. For Rosemarie being as pretty as she is, she's so nice! I know I'll never get her in bed but I do want to be friends with her as long as possible.
Well, now I think I'll go listen to music before I go to sleep. I sure hope I'm sleeping in a real bed tomorrow night!
7/26/1992 Sun. 10:30 AM
Yesterday was a very good day. I continued to get more color and I swam all day. I spoke with Fay and briefly saw Rosemarie. I didn't want to seem so pushy and smother them. I know what it's like to need breathing space. I didn't want them to feel like I was invading their daily lives. I never went up to their apartment, but when I was in the pool Rosemarie came out onto her patio. I called out hi and asked if she was gonna go for a swim. She said she didn't feel like it and that was it. They did say that they'd come see my place sometime.
Last night at 7:30, Andy and I went in Mark's truck to get that bed. It's a twin-size bed but very comfortable. It really felt good to get off the floor. I gave Mark his foamy thing back but that sure saved me from feeling like I'd break all my bones, even though I have nice plush thick carpet. I slept very well. In fact, I even fell asleep at 1 AM, maybe earlier. I woke up at 8:30. Yesterday I woke up at 10:30.
After we brought the bed back here, Andy gave me a twin-size sheet. I can easily still use mine by tucking it in between the mattress and the box spring. I do have a frame but it's missing a clamp. There's no hurry for it, but it’d be nice to eventually have for a few reasons. One is it'd raise the bed up a little higher and my quilt wouldn't be on the floor as much. Two, it'd be on wheels and easier to move. Three, I could store stuff under the bed.
I took Andy's vacuum and used that and now my place looks so cute. Now, all I have to worry about is getting my food stamps which Andy will take me to reapply for next Wed. I also am dying to get a phone. I must first get situated financially and get my food stamps.
Fay came over. She found a white dress in the dumpster that fit me perfectly. It's a little too long, though and it looks almost like a wedding dress. It has a few stains but ones that aren't overly visible. It's got long sleeves of white lace and the rest is solid white. There's a lining inside but outside is like chiffon. Streaming down the back to the floor is a piece of chiffon and there's also a lace bow in front. Even with heels, it's still just a wee bit too long so whoever wore it was also a size 3, but maybe a few inches taller.
Fay also found this tiny, colored pillow I had for a long time that I threw in there. I gave her two other little ones ma sent. She's got a bad back so she uses it for that.
Last night after I vacuumed and fixed up my bed, Andy and I played Crazy 8’s. Something we haven't done since we were kids.
It's time to write everyone's letters. A lot has happened since I last wrote. I sure can say one great thing, though, and that is that I haven't had but a few bad days since June 9th! That was all over money, of course.
Now after being here as long as have I can now truly feel a difference in my asthma. Sure I still wheeze and wake up a little congested. But I no longer sneeze my ass off like there's no tomorrow. Overall I feel so much better and now I know firsthand why they recommend that asthmatics live here.
I will wait to reschedule my appointment for my pap smear and also have him fill out the TAP form (Telephone Assistance Program) to waive my installation fee.
After Andy returns from home he'll take me there, and we mutually agreed and compromised on one thing. That is that until it gets cooler, he'll drive me places, but rather than wait around forever, he'll go home and I'll call him when I'm through.
I hope next Wednesday I can get a letter to go to the food bank. There, they gave me quite a bit. At the church, Mark took me to, however, they didn't give all that much.
So far today I've gone to the pool by Rosemarie 3 times and I just came back from the other pool.
I was walking out my door at the same time Fay was walking out hers across from me. Fay and her son James and I were headed to the “Rosemarie” pool when we saw how it was infested with little kids, so we took off for the other pool. That pool was crowded too, but not nearly as mobbed as the other one was. On weekends it's pretty crowded. At night during the weekdays, it's ok.
At the other pool, I ran into Stephanie. Pez screwed her over and now she's got a new roommate also from New York like Pez and Stephanie. I've met her before and she's sort of pretty but she's straight, according to Steph.
It'll be a long long time before I see another woman as gorgeous as Rosemarie. They're far and few between in my opinion.
I told Stephanie that Andy told me she used to pay Pez $15 to clean her bathroom. I told her not to hesitate to ask me if she needs help cleaning. If I were to only clean her bathroom once a week for $15, that's $60 extra a month! That'd be great but I know better than to count on it, even though she said she'd let me know when she gets her paycheck.
She also said she'd come check out my place and mentioned going to clubs. I told her I'd go to clubs with her if she needed someone to take along, but she stood Andy and I up last time. She said some serious shit went down that night, so we'll see how reliable she is.
There's a little part of me that's tempted to go visit Donna. She'd be happy if I did, I guess. She really wanted to be my friend, but then I dumped her. Afterward, I swore I'd make no more friends and acquaintances - Fay, Stephanie, Harriett, Debbie, Robert, Mark, all the maintenance people, Dave the security guard, Rosemarie, Rick, and so many others I don't know by name. With most of these people, I didn't even initiate the conversation. They began to speak to me. Lots of people strike up conversations with me. Males, females, kids, young and old. I haven't seen Ellie, though.
Last night I ran into Angel and Grace. We had a quick yet nice chat. Angel still hasn't had her baby yet. They were just taking a walk and I invited them in to see my place all fixed up.
I told her that I wasn't ever angry at her and that I'd been worried about money, but that she still had a friend in me. I apologized for seeming to have pushed her away and shut her out. She said she had thought about stopping by, but has been busy.
I've never met so many people at once other than in schools or funny farms! I was just at the pool and I met a guy named Chuck, his Vietnamese girlfriend Lily and his son. I forgot his son's name but they were all very nice. It seems I can just stand in the corner and not say anything and people will talk to me. I guess it’s a lot easier to socialize at pools as opposed to someplace like a grocery store.
Mark and his friend came home. The one who hooked up my VCR and asked me out to the movies. Lance is his name. I still can't program into the VCR all the channels I want to record. I guess there's a certain cable I need for that. Lance mentioned giving me one he didn't need. Maybe he forgot or hasn't had time. Or maybe he isn't bothering cuz I turned his "movie offer" down.
I want to wait a little while before visiting Rosemarie again. I don't know exactly how long, but although they said their place is always open to me, I do not wish to wear out my welcome. I'd also like to see if they come over here. I'm still so shocked at how friendly and open they are. They also said they were glad I was open about being gay. They really seemed to like my personality and were very into discussing my music and all about me. Every time I asked them about themselves, they'd say they were boring and had nothing to say about themselves, then ask about me.
There's gonna be a good movie tonight I’ll want to see, but I'm sure I'll be interrupted. I can't record it yet. I'll ask Andy what he thinks about that and what I should do.
7/27/1992 Mon. 4 PM
I just got back from the pool once again, and Donna was there. My God, I never really realized just what a sick little bitch she is! A very sad and sorry little puppy hiding behind a mask of glory. Why is it that whenever someone else’s life is going shitty, or you’re not what they want you to be, they pretend they're on cloud 9, contradict all they've said and cut you down?
Donna said, "I have lots of friends, everything's going so great, my husband got a raise, we got a new car, and no friends have ever dumped me like that." That's ironic cuz when all was well between us, she told me she hardly has any friends cuz she gets dumped so much. I think she’s just being so vindictive cuz I dumped her when she wanted to be friends.
She was telling me I can't handle things right and I get upset over stupid things yet there she is freaking out all hysterically. Everyone was looking at her like she was crazy. She told me she got all mad due to the fact that I think she's pretty. Even fought with her husband about it. Now is that ridiculous or what? Who the hell fights over someone that tells them they’re pretty? What a totally melodramatic waste of time, anger and energy! I mean, come on, grow up! I never realized she was that judgmental and such a backstabber and I am never gladder that I dumped her. I never realized how unstable she is and I meant it when I said all the pretty ones are snobs. She's got her mind set on what I'm all about and she's so sure she's got me all figured out. She says I don't have a lot of friends and I told her she's damn right as there are so many contradicting assholes like herself. I cannot believe just how paranoid she is. She can go on thinking she's wonderful, but as far as I'm concerned, I have no room in my life for people like her.
Fay gave me a poster of unicorns to color and I'm gonna give her a word find puzzle book. I've really gotten to like her and enjoy our talks.
I'm also tempted to visit Rosemarie but after dealing with people like Donna, it makes me wonder once again if I'm not better off just minding my own business. I don't know what to do. It's all so asinine and stupid. I'm so sick of people but I guess I can do what I did to Donna if I need to. If I ever meet anyone who turns out no good, I'll just dump them. Including anyone I currently know. The most shocking thing isn't the low blows someone can give you as I am very well used to that. What’s shocking is how quickly someone can change from one extreme to another.
I just helped Fay fill out a 19-page form. It's information on her son James, herself and her family for a therapist. I feel for those who are slow and have learning disabilities like she does. Life isn't fair with all those who have so many ordinary things they'd like to do, other than being a singer, yet they'll never be able to. And then there’s me, a quick learner with the abilities, but who doesn't want to be anything other than a singer. Either way, I told her to never hesitate to ask for help with something if she needs it. It made me feel good to be able to help her.
7/28/1992 Tues. 12:34 AM
I am watching Candid Camera now and next is Night Talk with Jane Whitney.
On this talk show, there are "lipstick lesbians" on now. I've seen this before.
Earlier I did stop up to see Rosemarie but Rick answered the door saying she was asleep. I would've loved to go climb into her bed and join her, but instead, I just told Rick I'll see them some other time.
Andy and I went to the grocery store where he bought us TV dinners. He also got me some milk, lent me a roll of toilet paper, and brought us some popcorn which we had while we played Crazy 8’s. I'm glad we're finally playing Crazy 8’s after about 15 years. I wonder what took us so long to get back into it as it really is a lot of fun.
It's almost 1:30 now so I should really try to get to bed soon. I'm gonna go listen to my music first which I haven't done all day.
I got up at 10:30 and then at noon I went to the pool. Andy was there and then he came over and gave me $40 which I gave to Mark & Lance for his pot.
Fay came over too, and she brushed my hair out for me. It looks much better now that I've washed and conditioned it. It was all matted down and tangled from the pool. Fay said she'd brush my hair whenever I needed it.
Fay and I played a game of concentration and she said she'd stop by tonight at 7:00. At 8:00, there's the conclusion of a really good movie I want to see. It's based on a true story about 4 guys who killed an Indian girl. All the shows are on an hour earlier here. The news is on at 10:00, rather than 11:00. Movies run from 8:00-10:00, rather than 9:00-11:00.
In an hour I'm going over to Andy's as we're both having T-bone steaks. Those are good and I'm starving.
I hope all goes well tomorrow at welfare. And quickly, too. You spend 95% of the time waiting and waiting and waiting. The food bank I need a letter for closes at 3:00 and I hope I don't have to fill out the form all over again. It's a long form and they already have all the information they need.
I will not be getting an SSI check anymore. This state has no cash supplement which means my monthly income will be $426. That's ridiculous. It totally sucks. How do people live that don't have parents sending them $50 a month?
On the 3rd, I'll need to go pay my electric bill and my direct deposit better be here. I don't want to have to stop at the bank for them to get my check from CT. I'll also have to notify Tammy to close out my account as soon as my SS check comes to my bank here. I'll also need to call Access and find out why they haven't mailed me my Medicaid card. I try calling, but it's always busy.
My main concern is getting my food stamps and seeing how that goes and my electric bill and my overall situation financially. Last month my electric bill was $65 and I need to be sure it doesn't fluctuate drastically here and there. If it stays around $65, then I can get a phone with mom's extra $50. I can't tell her if I do get a phone, though, as she said she wouldn't pay the $50 if I do. I know why she really wants me not to get a phone. I wasn't born yesterday or the day before, but that's OK.
After Andy returns I'll take the TAP form to my Doctor.
Mom sent a roll of film which we'll do up when Andy returns, so she’ll have more to complain about. First, it was my clothes and now it's the way I pose in pictures. I guess posing in 3 out of the 12 pictures in a really happy, goofy mood is a crime and the end of the world to her. Is this personal or something? Like is she jealous? Sure makes me wonder at times!
Fay wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes from me and I knocked on her door before, but she wasn't there. At 7:00 I'm gonna have to leave her a note as I'll be at Andy's. They both know I'll be watching the movie tonight but I hope no one else knocks on my door.
Guess there’s not going to be any friendship with Rosemarie. Why is it always me that has to do the approaching, visiting and seeking out of others anyway? I visited them 3 times. Now let’s see them come to me.
All I get is junk mail lately. When am I gonna get some letters? I haven't heard from anyone. I drew Tammy's friend Karen a cat. I told her I would a few months ago and it came out nice.
Soon, I'll be taking a walk to Andy's.
I just saw Fay walking her mother's dog and she said her aunt has a cage full of guinea pigs. I miss having pets. I gave her a pack of smokes and I'll stop by for a while later.
I guess I'll go over Andy’s now as I'd like to use his phone.
7/30/1992 Thurs. 12:23 AM
I'm watching Candid Camera now waiting for my talk show to come on.
Well, today was another good day but it sure was hot and frustrating waiting forever at welfare to fill out a stupid form, get a date, and a letter for the food bank. They gave me a lot of really good stuff at the food bank. More than the churches.
I think I'll have to go for an appointment on the 3rd. Mark said he'll take me. I gave him 4 more loaves of bread. Now he's got bread for months and I have 4 or 5 loaves in my freezer. I sure hope they mail me my food stamps before I run out of the food I got today.
I have other things to write about like Jake, a friend of Fay's who's bi. Andy liked his body and his hair but says his face looks devilish. They talked for a long time but there were things about him Andy didn't like. Otherwise, Andy said he was very interesting and very open. Jake is only into casuals and Andy wants more than that, so it's all up in the air pretty much. If they can be friends, that's cool.
There was an awesome storm with neat lightning, thunder, rain and gusty winds at 45 MPH. Mark and I were enjoying it outside our doors as I was sprinkling my unwanted pinto beans in the gravel.
Two missionaries came here looking for Robert upstairs. He was there as I could hear him walking around up there. He didn't answer his door, though, and Mark and I were busting the missionaries, saying he was an escaped convict profiled on Unsolved Mysteries. Mark told them to put a bulletproof vest on as he's a psycho man who was in the war.
Around 9:30, I went over to Andy's and I tried calling Fran but there was no answer. We called Nervous instead and I taped him. We were on the phone till almost 11:00 and I billed the call to Bob.
Jake was telling me I have beautiful legs and a beautiful body.
Ha! My legs are my worse feature, besides my teeth.
He also says in time he could find me a feminine woman for sex here and there. Oh, sure. I don't want any more good-looking people in my life. I don't want anything to do with Rosemarie either.
On this talk show, a comment which I've heard before got me cracking up. This applies to gays and straights and people looking for one-nighters as well as commitment. That when you're not looking is when you meet someone. Really? Well, I haven't been looking and I’ve had only two one-nighters since early 1991 after me and Brenda split up. This is why when it comes to sex, relationships, and careers, I don't think a negative or positive attitude is relevant. If you think positive about something or someone you really want and bust your ass trying for it, it's not gonna happen if it ain't meant to be. We do not make our rules to a degree. God or whatever's up there does. There are only certain things we can control. We can dump or keep our friends. But who we can and cannot get as friends is beyond our control. We can choose what we eat, what we wear and things like that.
Well, now I choose to go listen to music. After that, I choose to be in bed with an attractive woman and be a professional singer, but God won't allow that. Maybe in the year 2000. The singer, in the next life.
I began editing Nerv from tonight's convo. It's pretty funny as usual.
I fell asleep around 4 AM last night, and boy was I pissed at 7:45 when I awoke to loud knocking. I thought it was my door, but it was Mark's friend Lance knocking on his door. I was over there getting Andy more pot and I told him I was royally pissed at being woken up, that I ain't up that early, so knock softly or on Mark's bedroom window. I think for the rest of my life I'll be woken up 1-3 times a week. It just isn't destined for me to wake up when I want to. Well, it beats being woken up 24/7 in the old project. And never hearing yourself think till midnight-7 AM.
Where is UPS with my packages? Where are my pictures ma's supposed to send back? She better send back all 12, too. When are Tammy and Lisa gonna write? She told me a few weeks ago she had letters coming out, so what's taking so long?
I can't wait for the rest of my picture collection (of celebs). It's been two months and a week.
I just went out to mail a letter to Jayke. The one we worked with at Denny's in Chicopee. I wrote this letter for Andy when I first got here before I got my own place. He lost her address and he waited for her to write to him and she just did.
On my way back from the mailbox, I saw Albert, Donna's husband and he said hi. I said hi too, and kept on walking.
I'm gonna be eating dinner at Andy's at 7 PM. He bought chicken and I supplied the potatoes. He's very obnoxious to eat with, though. He makes these gross slurping and smacking sounds and it's pretty impossible to not hear it, even from across the room.
He gave me another tape he no longer wants, so I’ll use it as a blank. I just threw in a CD of Linda's.
I'm copying some tapes for Andy and there's not really much more to say. Only that Fay and I may bring Andy to the airport. Then, on the 3rd when I've got to pay SRP and go to welfare and to the store, she may take me.
I went into the Jacuzzi a little while ago. Rick came out on his patio and we said hello to each other. I went up and knocked on their door and no one answered. I said to myself, OK, I'm outa here. They've never made any attempts to see me so that pretty much tells me something.
I don't know what could be going on in their lives and yes, they did seem friendly before, but now I feel like something’s up. Like something's telling me to just stay away and that it wouldn’t be a wise idea to waste my time with these people.
Andy and Fay are enough for now. Both Andy and I really like Fay. I've simply taken so much shit from people and especially the really good-looking people. Rosemarie is a perfect 10 and I swore I'd just hang out with average or below-average-looking people. Also, low-income people.
Well, I just lit my cigarette off the stove. My lighter conked out and I ran out of matches. Nervous quit smoking 8 weeks ago. That's pretty good but he's miserable on a daily basis with urges to smoke. Poor guy. But he was getting the beginnings of emphysema.
Well, I just went to make a collect call to Debbie in Oakwood Knoll and she got her number changed to a non-published one. Barbara never answered. I'm sure they unplug their phone at night. They're probably thinking, gee she's all the way in Phoenix and she's still bothering us! She's not here to be woken up by us, but she's gonna wake us up for sure if we don't unplug our phone at night. A few days ago, I was making collect calls to them and Debbie said my name. I was cracking up afterward.
With my luck, though, they called Tammy or Mary Jane and then Mary Jane called Tammy. If so, Tammy would just say what the fuck do you want me to do about it? But Mary Jane knows how I, Tammy and the rest of my family feel about her and Oakwood Knoll so I think she'd be hesitant to bother. The same goes for Barbara and other tenants. They really drove me up the damn wall there.
Andy will no doubt get a kick out of learning about the new non-published number and about Barbara having to unplug her phone at night. Whenever I call after 10:30 at night there's no answer and I know they're there. I'm sure they can't afford to change their number so they’re willing to deal with it in the daytime. At night they must unplug their phone so as not to be woken up. Meanwhile, they can't wake me up.
I really must start writing some letters. I need to write to my niece, Tammy and my parents. I will send that cat I drew to Tammy to give to Karen. It came out well. Better than I expected. I have Tammy's birthday card and my parents' anniversary card. Next Monday I'll mail my parent’s card.
What's taking them so long to send the pictures Andy took? Maybe she's waiting to show them to Tammy after all. I know she will be there through August 1st – 8th, but when the exact date is they leave and return, beats me. I'm not even sure if they're driving or flying. I think they're gonna fly. If mom does have those pictures when Tammy, Bill and the girls are there, they can all rank on them together. Why is it taking her so long to ship me the rest of my stuff? In a letter to me, she said she'd be shipping them out ASAP. Over the phone, she said it'd take months. She wants me to believe she hasn't got the money to ship everything at once.
When Andy's tapes are through, I'm gonna take a walk over with them to his place.
Rosemarie said her birthday is August 6th and I have all those cards ma sent. Half of me says to give her one, but the other half says it wouldn't look right. Is it a dumb idea? I certainly wouldn't tell her my mom sent me tons of all kinds of cards, so she'd assume I bought it. But why go out and buy a card for someone you don't really even know? I think I'll just go and wish her a happy birthday.
I think I'll watch Hard Copy and A Current Affair instead. I haven't seen them all that much lately and I believe Andy has to work tomorrow. If so, he's gone to bed or is going to bed very soon. Of course, I'll also watch Candid Camera and the Jane Whitney talk show.
Why are there so many fucking crickets in here? I know they're harmless, but they sure as hell are annoying. They jump out at you unexpectedly and really make a racket.