Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
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1992-07-09 17:40:03 (UTC)

July 1992 (first few weeks)

7/1/1992 Wed. 6 PM

I have many things to write about, but I think I'll save the bulk of it till later on this evening. I have done so much writing in the last few days, so I need to take a break. Plus, I really need to go warm up my voice as I believe Andy and I are going to go and compete in a karaoke contest tonight. I don't know for sure. All I know is that when I went over to his apartment to use his phone at 4:00, he was sound asleep. Oh well.

7/9/1992 Thurs. 1:24 AM

Right now I'm only gonna do a quick rundown on topics I'll write about in full detail tomorrow. First of all, since being here I had a very scary close call a couple of days ago. It concerns financial issues and Shadow. I was a devastated bundle of nerves for almost 24 hours. The financial issue has been fixed, but I'm crushed about something else and I always will be.

I'll also write about packages from my parents. Packages I have gotten and packages I’m expecting. Also, about tapes and calls. Tomorrow I must go to the office for my CDs.

7/12/1992 Sun. 1 AM

I still have much writing to do. A few miserable things have happened to me since I've last written. I can't help but feel guilty and cursed as I usually do, despite the fact that I had no control over the situation. I had a great month to start with here, then I wound up wishing I was dead again. I got so scared and depressed as reality hit me. So many fears, doubts, and questions were going through my head. All I kept thinking is that I didn't want to live my life scraping pennies. Just barely able to pay the rent, the electric bill, food and other non-edibles that add up. Because I know now 100% for sure I'll never have my dream, what the fuck is my purpose in life. What am I here for? To just barely ever eat enough and eat right? To be scared that SS will cut or stop my checks? SSI already stopped the check I get monthly for $16. They claim I was overpaid which is a crock of shit. There's no use calling them as you just can't fight them.

What is my purpose in life? To wonder if I can fully come up with the rent money and the electric bill? This is gonna be my life cuz I cannot settle, cannot have my dream and will never live in a project again. I couldn't settle even if I wanted to. I couldn't get up day after day very early in the morning. I'd only sleep 2-4 hours a night. We already know what effect that has on a person. Live in the NHA if you can't sleep before 4 AM and see how it feels. I can't afford to get up at 7 AM, lay in bed from 11 PM to 4 AM-5 AM and get up at 7 AM all over again continuously.

I also cannot afford to go without medical benefits and pay thousands of dollars for medical shit. So once again, what is my purpose here?

On July 7th I had a horrible day. My food stamps are gonna be delayed now another month cuz the asshole in CT never closed my case. The worker in AZ said the worker back there never knew I moved. Bullshit. Tammy and dad spoke to her. They do this to delay you as while they're delaying you they save money. I'm so sick of harassment from public assistance, SSI and SS. I was so stressed out and was crying so long and hard that my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I thought it'd be easier financially here. That is one of the reasons why I moved here.

Besides being scared shitless about money, I got a notice from the office here. Either pay a $50 fine and be evicted or get rid of Shadow. I knew I had no choice. Andy and I drove him to Paradise Valley where Stevie Nicks lives. We dropped him and his box over the wall onto her property. God, do I miss that cat! As obnoxious as he was, I miss meowing with him and his being so loving and affectionate.

I'm too upset to continue on now and that pretty much covers all the bad news. It's gonna be a long boring life of struggling financially, wishing I could settle happily, wishing I wanted to be anything else as bad as I wanted to be a singer, and wondering what my purpose is here on earth?!

When I continue, believe it or not, I'll have better things to write about. Right now, though, all I can think about is Shadow. Most of the time I have him pretty well blocked out. Now, I can't get rid of him.

7/16/1992 Thurs. 3:30 AM

Once again, I really need to get my ass in gear and write daily. I have so many fantastic things to write about and so many shitty things to write about. Well, why not start with the shitty stuff and save the best for last.

I'm listening to the original "complex" argument with Fran and Nervous. Thank God Andy had this even though it's only 90 seconds long. It was always my favorite and it's very funny.

Right now I am very disgusted and pissed off at Andy. I thought he changed. All he kept telling my parents and me is how he's become more giving as far as car rides, for example. He told me to make any appointments I needed to make on his days off and he'd have no problem taking me. In these 115º temps, I cannot walk, even though the grocery store and the bank are very close. I’m not used to this heat yet and need to wait till it becomes a little cooler. He said that was no problem and understood. The other day he went back on his word and insisted I could walk in this extreme heat. He's been going back on his word on so many things and bitching at me for doing or saying things that he himself does or says as well.

He's lied to me and my parents about a few things and that has me wondering what else he's said that may be a lie.

All he does every day is bitch about how stressful work is and the zillions of reasons why he hates his job. Yet I have never condemned him for it or said things to him like, “Shut up about it,” and “Don't let it get to you,” and “Just smile and be happy.”

All he's ever said to me since he's been here is that he's miserable and depressed. But yesterday he turned around and said he's always happy and he wants to be around happy people, and that I should be happy all the time myself. Then he goes back to telling me how much he hates people and doesn't want friends. How he wishes he could stand in a corner and never say anything to people. How he can't be himself and is lied to and led on. I told him I feel the same way and that I stay isolated so I can be myself. But yesterday he bitched at how I've got a wall up around me and I've got to make friends because all the bullshit friends go through is worth it. In the next breath, it's not worth it at all.

He's offered me things I never asked for like to eat dinner with him. He's knocked on my door and said he was on his way to the store, would I like to come along? Later he said how he shouldn't have fed me or driven me to the store. Then why the fuck did he do it?

Then after bitching at me about how I don't get out and live life, he goes right back to talking about how he's gotta be alone and have space. He says that after a stressful day at work he's gotta be alone and I shouldn't come over every day. Any time he's asked me to leave, I have. I gave him a ribbon to tie on his doorknob if he doesn't want to be bothered. But he bitched about his space after I gave him the ribbon and that problem was fixed. He is a very sad, lonely miserable guy who cuts people down while pretending to be happy and king of the world. He's told me how he wants to burn people and feels bitter just like I do. But why is he taking his shit out on his friends? Burn someone who burns you or pick up the phone, I told him!

He and so many other people continuously have to tell me what to think, say and feel. If I say I like the color pink and for whatever reason Andy can't handle that, I'm a liar. As far as he’s concerned, I really don't like the color pink if that's the way he wants it.

I dumped that girl Donna cuz she too, started to judge me and assume shit when she doesn't even know me. All she knows is why I moved here. I know Andy's spoken to her, and I'm not sharing friends with Andy. I learned that with Brenda, Steve, Jai and a few others that it’s not good to share friends with him because of the way he tries to turn them against me when he gets pissed at me.

Andy insisted Donna could be a good friend and I shouldn't dump her. I'm sure she could be in other ways and I'll always appreciate the help with the food she gave me and the dress, but I will not be who she wants me to be. I know I did the right thing by cutting Donna off, even though there's a little tiny part of me that misses her. The thing of it is, though, if Donna had been the one to dump me, Andy would have been on her side.

I am not gonna take his shit with Andy like I did in Springfield!

7/17/1992 Fri. 12:20 AM

In 1984, this is the day I walked free from Valleyhead. It was my last walk down Reservoir Road and I didn't even know it. But I told myself I'd be damned if I'd return. I was a junior staff who had graduated. I'd done my time there.

Denise, my best friend there was taken in by Michelle. Michelle was my favorite teacher there. Michelle also despised Donna and her psycho sister Margaret. Also Barbara. She left for the same reasons any student there can't wait to leave. She saw and knew how the kids there were treated.

I haven't seen Andy since last Wed. All people want to do is fight, fight, fight. No one can let anyone be themselves. They flip out over the most stupid things. They knock you down when you're already down. For a girl that expresses herself well and communicates well, I sure seem to be so misunderstood. I don't want to fight with anyone. All I want to do is be happy. I try my best to get along with people but they're always so determined not to get along with me. When are people gonna stop fighting with others so those who don't want to fight and argue don't have to?

I know I'm doing the right thing by avoiding Donna and Angel. And Andy agreed with me before all this happened that it isn't always too smart to get involved with your neighbors as lucky as I sometimes was in Springfield. Who wants hostility so close to home? Plus, in Springfield the only place to be was in your apartment. Here, I'm always at the pool and it's harder to avoid people you don't like or who don't like you when you're at the pool constantly.

A little over a month ago, I met a woman named Kathy at the pool. No, she wasn't a butch as most Kathy's, Carol's and Karen's seem to be. In fact, she was OK-looking. She's got 3 kids. Her fiancé is a maintenance guy here. We chatted briefly at the pool and she told me she was home all day and could use some company. She gave me her apartment number and told me to come by anytime I wanted. I stopped at her place once for 15 minutes and I've never seen her since. She never said or did anything to scare me off but I know how all friendships are cool in the beginning, then take a turn for the worst. All is well when you begin anything, then it changes. If it doesn't become a horrible situation, it gets boring. Maybe friendships are just as bad as intimate relationships after all.

Sometimes people are hard to avoid. Especially when you don't plan on talking to them, but they talk to you. I did consider staying away from people with jobs and thought maybe it'd be better if I pursued more people on SS and SSI. I'm not ashamed to be on SS and SSI but so many people with jobs are bashing and knocking people like me. I don't hate myself and I know I'm not stupid. However, when I tell people I'm on it when they ask what I do, they paint themselves a pretty bad and false picture.

I've written before about how one can only change the way they feel about certain things but not all things. How I wish I wanted to be anything else as bad as I want to be a singer. Sometimes, I look at all these people with jobs and wish I could love something else like I love to sing or be able to settle. I wish I had some sort of responsibility and a reason to get up every day. But even if I were a day person and had a decent job, I would have to constantly have to deal with people. I'm sure that no matter how well I did my job and kept my mouth shut that someone would stir up trouble for me.

There are a lot of people, though, on SSI and SS and everyone's got their fair share of worries, fears, doubts and problems. I’ve been seeking out a somewhat “lower” class of people lately. No one on drugs or overly crazy, but low- or no-income people. People that are in my present situation, and if they have a similar background, that makes it even better. I used to try to seek out people who are fairly financially and emotionally stable with a better background. But these are the people who look down on me and feel they can do better, whether I hated myself or not. Opposites don't attract.

Yesterday at the pool, as I was unlocking the gate, a woman called out, "Hi there," as if we were old friends. Well, she's 48, on SSI and SS, has lots of problems, is depressed and dead broke. Her name's Ellie and she also has no car so we may walk to the store tomorrow. Normally, I wouldn't coldly reject or try to change Ellie as many others would, but I'd be reluctant to get too close. I'd be thinking - can't I do better than this? I've matured, presented myself better, don't talk too much, remain evasive about my past and present life and don't hate myself.

3:30 AM

I went to see my primary physician here and he gave me Amoxicillin. I can't wait till I'm off of them so I can continue with my tan before I lose what I've begun so far. I thought I had a yeast infection downstairs but instead, I have a bacterial infection. He couldn't even do a pap smear as I am so tender there now. I'll have to go for that after I'm through with my antibiotics and to make sure I don't acquire a yeast infection since antibiotics can cause them.

My mom said she'd send me $50 a month and I hope she does soon as I've only got $5 until the end of the month. I really dreaded calling mom and telling her what's been going on financially as she's done a lot already but she was very understanding. I still must reapply for food stamps and hope I have a little extra money here and there once I get settled. I tried and fought for my SSI check but it's hopeless, even though I was not overpaid.

There are so many non-edible things that add up, so even with food stamps, there's never enough cash. I want to give Andy some money as soon as I can and God only knows if I'll ever be able to afford a phone. The next few months are gonna be a struggle but I hope I'll be OK. It'll relieve the bulk of my stress if I don't have to keep worrying about money. I still don't know what SS is gonna do to my check.

I sent mom 12 pictures Andy took which came out fairly nice for a change. I told her to copy whatever she wants, then send them to Tammy. Have her do the same, then send them back to me so I can throw them into my collection.

I got some really nice packages from mom and dad. My pictures, typewriter, some papers, records and one guitar aren’t here yet. They sent my vacuum, one guitar, two quilts, two more bathing suits, shoes, suntan lotion, hair accessories, coupons and a small black and white TV. Also a lamp and two hideous shorts and shirt sets. Worse than conservative. I mean tacky, geeky, baggy and dull colors. That and a couple of pairs of cotton granny panties.

She also sent a table and two folding chairs. She asked me if I wanted the other two chairs and I said no. The two I have are enough. I like this so much better than my old kitchen table and chairs. They were getting old, dingy and beat up. It's blue and matches my carpet well. The top of the table is soft leather-like material. To go with it she sent 4 mauve-colored placemats. The chairs are hard but there are two floral cushions you tie on to make them softer and more comfortable.

She also sent a raft and I was gonna sleep on that. I had figured it'd be wider but it's too narrow for me to sleep on. Mark next door said I can continue using the foam mattress he lent me.

She sent me 5 plastic shelves just like the ones I used to have. That was fantastic so I could get shit off the floor. She's gonna send another set which I'll use in the living room. This set I put in the bedroom.

7/18/1992 Sat. 3:30 AM

Well, I never did get to bed after the last time I wrote. I felt really shitty and couldn't stop worrying about money. I called ma and I should get $50 soon. She'll send that monthly along with a box of non-edibles that food stamps can't buy. That really brought me a lot of relief and then I jumped in the pool. When you're trying to stay up cuz your schedule keeps changing, there's nothing like having a pool. It really revives you when you jump in. It'll be easier to change schedules here. If you need to stay up all day to try to sleep at night, you can lie out by the pool all day and relax. You won't sleep that way but you won't be overexerting yourself in any physical way.

In a half-hour, I'm gonna watch Little House on the Prairie.

Earlier at 9:30, I ordered a pizza that never came till 11:15, so I got it for free and saved $7.14.

I wish I had a little microcassette recorder. This way I can speak about all the subjects I want to write about without forgetting them if several days pass by before I write. At least I do have a fairly decent memory that I know I can rely on. It'd still be great to have a microcassette, though, as that way no details would ever slip my mind here and there. Many times, say I'm at the pool, for example, I'll remember something I want to write about, but when I do write I forget. If I brought a microcassette recorder around with me to most places I go, I can speak little notes in bits and pieces of the subject, then play it all back whenever I decide to write.

7/19/1992 Sun. 12:10 AM

I got the $50 from mom and that was great. I really needed real food. All I had was stuff like bread, cereal and pasta, and I get sick of the lack of variety. I can't get away with not eating right anymore.

I still haven't gotten anything in the mail from Tammy or Lisa and I also haven't spoken to Andy. I did leave him the $10 stamps I owe him and $10 in cash. My God his place reeks! How can he live like that? His place always reeks and is a pigpen. The way people live really reflects a lot about them. We both have had our depressing times and my place is sometimes a little trashed. But if you compare each other's definition of “trashed,” they're completely different. Even when I'm miserable I still usually have my place nice and my appearance too, if I can help it. He, on the other hand, always is a mess. That tells me something. I just cannot stand those that contradict everything they say. I feel so misunderstood by him. Part of it is that he's got a lousy memory. Maybe cuz he smokes pot. The other part of it is his stubbornness. You're a liar if he doesn't want to accept, hear or believe something you've said.

I hate people who are so verbally abusive and think they can cut you down when they're miserable, pretending to be king of the world and the happiest son of a bitch alive. I can see through that, not that he'd ever own up to it. He has said how he's bitter and lonely and hates people and wants to lash out at them and treat them like shit. I can very much relate to those feelings too, but not with what’s supposed to be my best friend. Can't people spare their best friends? We're either gonna be enemies with no contact or friends that treat each other like friends. I'm not gonna go back and forth with him as we did in Springfield. It's normal to fight here and there, but I won't tolerate such shit like his on a regular basis. If he ever found anyone for a relationship, he'd never make it work more than a week any more than I could. Also, just like me, he'd attract the wrong kind of person, but for a totally different reason than me.

3 AM

I got some of my old edits from Andy and duped them. He also gave me a tape of his best calls for me to edit. I've begun that as well as other editing. He and I have made some calls from his place. I still have lots of editing to do, but I always have more stuff to edit. I edited down all my convos with several different folks and left a few blanks for taping convos. Then I edit out anything boring onto another tape.

I still have to reapply for food stamps and set up something with a therapist. I sure hope there's an agency that makes home visits. It'd be so much easier. I have a number to call that two counselors gave me the night I was all freaked about money. I ran in a panic to the payphone and cuz I didn't know who to call, I called 911. I spoke with the dispatcher for a while and then she connected me with Terros. The police routinely come out first, then they send Terros out. I've seen these same two cops twice and this woman twice. I forgot her name but she had a different male partner with her each time she came out. I've forgotten all their names, except for Sheryl and Annette. They do a weekly follow-up for a month or so and they were the ones who came out last Wednesday. They’re gonna be here again next Wednesday on the 22nd at 7 PM. Annette's white and Sheryl's black and I don't know why, but I really liked Sheryl. It almost seemed like it was mutual from what I sensed. It's not that she's gorgeous but something was there. Of course, I plan to keep my mouth shut.

Most types of people with real jobs that I've always seemed to click with are cops and security guards, like Dave here for example. He's 40-something, I guess and is very nice to chat with. On weekends he's here at night. He locks the gates at the pools at midnight. He's here at night on weekdays too, as I've seen him lock the pools up at 10 PM. The pools open early in the morning but on weekends it's open till midnight. I wish they were open 24 hours on my schedule, but there'd be lots of loud wild parties and no one near the pool would ever sleep.

After I got my $50 today, Mark next door took me to Fry's, the grocery store right near here. He said to let him know whenever I need rides. That's great as there's no way I can walk in this heat with or without asthma. Early in the morning, nothing's open and I never would walk at night. Can't tell Andy that, of course.

Today it was 112º. Tomorrow it'll be 110º.

5 AM

I was just sitting here thinking of several things here and there about this and that. I can't wait till I get the other pictures. It's been almost two months. Also, I'm really looking forward to that second set of shelves ma's sending. I'll use them out in the living room.

I wish Arizona paid as much as MA did between the two checks. In MA it's $581. In CT and AZ it's $442 cuz it’s cheaper to live here.

I really wanted a 1-bedroom. That's what I'm used to and I need the extra space. Especially the extra closet space. I've seen them and they're so nice. Perfect. I miss being on the top floor, too. My place, though, minus furniture looks nicely decorated. Now that I've got shelves, tables and chairs, the only other thing I need is a bed. A twin would be fine as it's just me, although you can fit a double bed in there and I'd still have room for my shelves. Luckily I do not have my old queen-size waterbed. That would definitely not fit in there. A color TV that's a little bigger would be nice too, but no big deal and certainly not the end of the world.

I am now just about completely updated. All I need to write about are these two lesbian bars I went to a few weeks ago. Also, 3 more drop-dead gorgeous girls I met at the pool. I mean, they are all a 10 ! LaDon, Lisa and Rosemarie. Rosemarie looks the most like Gloria out of any others I've met, though I think she may be Italian. I haven't spoken to her much yet, just exchanged a few hellos and mentioned that she looked like Gloria. She says she's told that all the time. Late-night two nights ago at the pool, I met LaDon and Lisa. They're gorgeous too. All 3 of them have bodies that look like models. They're perfect from head to toe. Their teeth, flat bellies, and straight thighs. Standing next to them makes me look below average when I know for a fact that if I'm compared to the average female, I'm doing pretty well. The typical, usual bummer of it all is that I'm sure they're all straight as an arrow.

Cigarette break now, then I will write about those bars. Then, I shall finally be all up to date unless there's a little detail here and there that has slipped my mind.

7/20/1992 Mon. 1:50 AM

I am just slowly beginning to wake up. I slept like a log from 12:30 PM-8:30 PM, but I am still groggy. I guess that's good, though, as it'll keep me up longer tomorrow if I take my time waking up.

I hope I get the rest of my stuff soon and a letter from my nieces. It'd also be really nice to hear from Kim, Bob, Fran or Nervous but that's wishful thinking.

I'm gonna call SSI and the food stamp people out here. I should hopefully be able to reapply over the phone. I'll also call about seeing a therapist and reschedule my doctor’s appointment for my pap smear. This Wednesday I'll be through with the antibiotics and will be able to continue on with my tan.

My TD has been really pissing me off. Since being on the antibiotic it's been worse. Some medications can make it worse. My TD also acts up and becomes worse when I'm tired or upset, but we'll see if it subsides a bit when I finish the antibiotics.

The gay bars – well – I went to two of them and they shocked the shit out of me just as the shrinks in Natchaug did. Just when I thought nothing more could shock me. Back east it was 95% butch and a very occasional feminine woman. Here, there were lots of butches but also feminine ones mixed in. There weren't tons and tons of them, but there sure was enough. More than a few. For the first time, I felt like I had the same variety as gay men do.

I met these 5 girls named Becky, Carmen, Carol, Holly and Lori. I gave them all my number or Andy's number, I should say, but did they call me after telling me how pretty and nice I was? No. Of course not. Whatever's up there is determined to let me only have two one-nighters a year.

I was also shocked at all these people who say they want relationships. And after I tell them I only want one-nighters here and there so they won't feel threatened or scared that I'll smother them or put strings on them. Yet I still get nowhere.

Why are people so afraid to pick up the phone? If they really want to check into someone, why don't they put any effort into it? Why is it always me that does the seeking and approaching? The only one that approached me was one that wasn't ugly, but not in the least bit attractive, naturally. What else is new? To tell the truth, though, after dealing with more and more shit with people, I'm glad they never called. Donna and Andy reminded me just what I'd be in for.

The only ones out of those 5 that I may have been attracted to enough to sleep with would've been Carmen and Becky and maybe Holly. Not Carol or Lori. I highly doubt they called during this shit with Andy. If they did he may be spiteful and immature enough to not tell me, but if that is the case, he's done me a great favor and has spared me more bullshit. I don't think he'd be mature enough to leave a note on my door at least, no matter how I felt about meeting them. But I'm completely turned off after his and Donna's shit. Even with pursuing Sonja who's never called back after I spoke to her. We had an OK talk too, or so I thought.

Wait till my sister calls. He can't wait, no doubt, to go on and on crying on her shoulder. She won't fall for it and knows better but if she questions me I'll tell her it's our problem and our business. I'm sure Velma and all his other friends have heard all about it on a daily basis. Well, enough of Andy, but I'll say one last thing. That is I give what I get and if he can go back on his word so can't I. That means I ain't cleaning his place worth shit!

7/21/1992 Tues. 4:45 AM

Earlier I got my second set of shelves. I used them in the living room and it looks so much better now. The whole place looks great, even the walls. I've always been good at decorating.

I managed to stay up until 4 PM and sleep until midnight. More and more I wish I could be up during the days. Even if I had nothing to do. At least I'd have the pools and I'd feel better. Also, if I did have something to do, I'd be able to be awake for it. Well, Andy said he never could be a day person if his life depended on it till this year. Hopefully, that'll happen to me even though right now that seems impossible, but who knows?

7 AM

I just ate and ran off the dishes. The dishes here don't get really clean and I was told it has nothing to do with the dishwasher. It's Arizona's water. California has the same problem. There's supposed to be something you can buy to put in the water or the dishwasher, but I don't know what.

As I saw Mark walking towards his place, I tapped on the slider and waved hello. He knocked a few minutes later for a light for his cigarette. He came in and saw how I've decorated since getting my shelves. Said it looks so girlie. Yeah, it does.

I've got an hour or so yet before the pool opens. I'm psyched to get on with my tan. I'm losing what I had. Mark's gonna blow up my raft some time.

All I keep thinking about is Rosemarie. I know she's straight as a pin, but I like to seek, chase and do my homework and detective work even though I get absolutely nowhere. She is the ultimate attraction for me. Ann Marie was no second best but she sure is compared to Rosemarie. All in all, God will never grant me that much. It just ain't meant to be and will never happen for one night. As I’ve learned, just cuz you're positive or want something bad enough doesn't mean you'll get your way. If you pray for something you want or bust your ass trying to achieve it and it's not in the cards, you'll never get it. If Rosemarie were meant to be, God would send her my way whether I wanted her or not.

I saw her yesterday morning for the first time in the bright sunlight. She's so beautiful. I can tell so even though I've still never seen her close up. I was in the pool and she walked around the fence obviously on her way to work. She seems like a very friendly person. I could be wrong, though, since I don't know her and everyone seems nice till you get to know them. We said hello to each other and she asked how I was. She also said hi to two elderly ladies and I don't even think they know each other.

Right after that, I ran back to my place to see what time it was. It was 7:55 AM. Well, at 7:45, I will head over there and sit down on the bench.

I have makeup on and that sundress Donna gave me. My hair is all brushed out, too.

It's fun, but on the other hand, I know I'm completely wasting my time. I think she's with a guy. Well, it isn't the first time I've thought of someone who never thinks of me. It won't be the last either. I want her sooooooo bad. At least I hope to try to get to know her and be friends with her. It's better than nothing and I doubt there's any way she could be bi, let alone gay. Yes, she's a neighbor and yes, she's got a job. But this is an exception I can't pass up.

7/22/1992 Wed. 7:30 AM

I know I'm wasting my time chasing Rosemarie, but hey, it’s fun. Andy also believes she's got a boyfriend that she lives with, but it won’t be the first or last time that I’ve wasted my time.

I got a lot of color back yesterday that I had begun to lose. It looks good. When I returned to the pool, Andy was there. We had a very nice talk and I said all the things I wanted to say. He listened. I listened to him too, and simply told him I don't want to fight with him or anyone else.

Those two girls from Terros, Sheryl and Annette, will be here at 7:00 this evening. I'll have some happier things to say than the last time. My place also looks much better, too.