Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
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1992-02-09 17:38:10 (UTC)

February 1992

2/1/1992 Sat. 12:10 AM

When I woke up, there was a message from Fran. I wish he or Andy would call me now.

Jessie told me she mailed out my 3 bathing suits. True to my doubt I never got them. Why is she doing this to me? What is the point? Why does she feel the great need to lie to me and keep those suits? She's always been 100% honest with me so why is she pulling this on me now? I've never lied to her or borrowed anything from her and refused to return it.

4:30 AM

I spoke with Bob for a little while then took all my pictures down. I took them down from the bedroom, living room, and stairwell.

Just as soon as Sugar Loaf Market opens, I am gonna go get ciggies, cat food, munchies and that Lactaid. I hope they have it. This bloating's driving me nuts. It's gonna put stretch marks on me something horrible. And believe me, I already have tons of stretch marks, craters, and scars. My skin's so blotchy, too. I wish I had a smoother complexion. I hope Sugar Loaf Market sells it cuz who knows when I can get it with Kim if I have to go to Greenfield.

Bob says he can probably take me grocery shopping early Monday morning.

I haven't done more editing yet, but I was listening to some tapes. I guess I'll go hear some more.

2:30 PM

I went to Sugar Loaf Market and they don't have that Lactaid. Neither does Cumberland. I did spend $27, though. I got a carton of smokes as well as some food.

No mail at all today.

Fucking Jessie pisses me off. I'm so disappointed with that little fuck. And shocked as I never figured she'd pull something like this on me. I know she's in school and has a kid and when you've got a kid you've got no life but there's still no excuse.

Tammy's taping Gloria tomorrow night which is great. I really do appreciate her doing that.

Tomorrow I have to change Shadow's box and clean up a bit. At least try to neaten and organize stuff better. When you're gonna move, yet not right away, it can become quite confusing. Especially when you're only half-packed and you cannot pack everything at once cuz you know there's stuff you'll still need.

I vow never to give up writing like I gave up reading. Giving up reading isn't something I wanted to do. It just happened. I can't get into it anymore. I wish it didn't happen that way cuz I loved reading very much. I really used to enjoy it but I guess writing is very different.

2/2/1992 Sun. 3:30 AM

I spoke briefly to Bob and now I'm doing two loads of laundry.

Any minute, beginning tomorrow, I should have a definite moving date. They managed to get a couple of guys from the fire department to move me. Bill will be coming up with them unless he has to work. If he has to work, Tammy will come up.

Shadow's being all lovey-dovey, of course, after doing a few things that really pissed me off.

Another thing that really irks me is TV. Are the writers on strike or something like that? Everything is all repeats and I thought they don't rerun the shows till the summer. There have been very very few new shows. Unsolved Mysteries is always showing repeats and with all the crime in this world, you'd think they could come up with new shows.

I wish I could just pack up and get the hell out of here. I'm so goddamn bored and this place is a disaster. I just want to get it all packed and take the fuck off.

4:30 AM

I just sang a few songs. Meanwhile, I'm just sitting here remembering and missing some of the old times. Some of the not-so-cool times now make me laugh. At least there was more excitement than I experienced living here, although I don't prefer to relive certain experiences. Also, it's not to say that I've had no excitement here of a bad nature because I certainly have!

Tomorrow morning I have to call Chief B. I have to see Sheila at 10:15 on Tuesday.

Besides fun memories of Andy and other people, I sure miss Nervous in certain ways. What a source of great entertainment he was being the sucker that he is. For a lot of people. Not just me. Even though Nervous was a sucker and had a number of things about him people resented, we all liked him nonetheless. Nervous and I have had many great talks and he's done me many favors I really appreciated. Many things wouldn't have been impossible, but very tough without his help. I miss his spying and playing the crossed-call-waiting game with him.

I wish Andy would call, and one future event I'm really looking forward to is the beach. I'm staying with him for 4 nights and 5 days. I'm looking more and more forward to having summer hurry up and arrive. Always thinking about swimming, tanning and summer clothes. Getting into shape too, even though people say I look fine. I'm getting more and more muscular with time but I really want to get rid of this bloat and pull my inner thighs in a bit.

I laughed when one of Dr. Leitch's nurses said I was small-framed and also, according to my height, I should be between 103-113 pounds.


Thank God I was never left-handed. How could I play the guitar if I was? Someone once said to turn the guitar around and I burst out laughing. That's even more impossible than reading both upside down and backward at once. You'd literally have to change the entire chord patterns.

God, am I gonna miss this apartment! It isn't worth the 100% isolation, though, that's for sure.

I know life will never be anywhere near the life I really want. I will feel useless and unfulfilled and rather sad and angry at times but I sure hope it's better than this. There's got to be a better life and a way to settle happily for second best. A way to settle down.

I just put Shadow in the stairwell and he better not claw the door. What am I gonna do about him when I move? I sure as hell can't let him roam around freely while I'm out or asleep. He'll claw my bedroom door and trash the place and run around. I'd like to get a longer leash that's a rope type of material rather than this metal chain. He'll clatter that all over the place. I want to get him a longer leash, too. I haven't seen the layout of this place on the inside or outside yet, but he must be leashed down. Hopefully, that can be outdoors as he's a very disrespectful and destructive cat at times and I will not put up with babysitting him. Or cat-proofing my whole entire place. Leashing him down indoors will do no good if he's that determined to piss me off. You know how he likes to be hit at times and yelled at.

I just got up, went into the stairwell and did something to guarantee he doesn't wake me up tonight. I took two barrettes, a very long extension cord, and his leash. Hooked his leash to his collar, clamped one barrette to one end of the extension cord, clamped the other barrette and the other end of the cord to a scarf tied onto the railing.

2:30 PM

I just left Kim a note and stuck my answering machine inside my cabinet. I do that so as not to be woken up by its clicking as it resets itself. I hate that. The good thing about it is, though, if I'm up and have forgotten to turn on my ringer and someone calls it clicks right before and after their message. If they leave one. Fran or maybe even Andy will probably try calling tonight.

Well, I've got to go and at least lay down at this point. I have written a total of 42 pages between my last journal and the beginning of this one. I'm still in the kitchen so I'm gonna get my tired butt out of this chair and move on into the bedroom. I wish early evening would just hurry up and arrive so I can go to sleep.

2/3/1992 Mon. 5:50 PM

I had a great day today. First I called Chief B and either this Wednesday or Thursday I'll see him, Carol and Harry about my tapes.

Tomorrow, I see Sheila, but I canceled tonight with Cassandra. Cassandra called me, luckily, as I left the message with her son at her house. We're going to possibly meet Wednesday around noon, but she said, she'd leave a message on my machine verifying the exact date and time.

Bob picked me up at 10:00. From there we went to Greenfield where I bought Linda's new CD all in Spanish. It's called Mas Canciones and there are 12 songs. On the cover, she looks good.

I also got 2 new journals so now I have 27 of them.

After that, we picked up Sandra at their place in Turners Falls and went to Food Fart back in Greenfield. I spent $70 but not all on food. I got a plant, a plant hanger and these really cute things all for a buck each. Besides two new pens, I got all these magnet things. Three were of flowers with lace around the edges and a cheerful saying on them like, "home is where you hang the heart." Each one has different colors and they're cute. A wooden teddy bear magnet with a clothes clip attached to it. I clipped my calendar onto it. Two memo boards that are the cutest of all. They're small. Only around 5x7 with the pen attached to it and when you write, you can erase it with a damp paper towel or napkin. They're both two different teddy bear designs and are oh-so-adorable.

Bob gave me some planting soil and repotted the plant I got today. I cut little clippings off of both of them and stuck them in a glass of water. I have extra pots Bob gave me for when they root. I'm gonna make zillions of offspring from these originals. He also gave me a mug holder he made that holds six mugs and another wooden figurine.


2/9/1992 Sun. 5:45 PM

I am here in the new place in Norwich, CT as of yesterday and I absolutely hate it! Other than having my rent be only $138 and some family close by, it absolutely sucks. The apartment is a complete dump and it's half the size of the Oswego St. apartment. I always swore that apartment was almost the smallest and the worst I ever lived in. Even Oswego St. is heaven compared to this one. Not the neighborhood, although this one isn't too much better. It's a little seedy and the apartment is filthy. The floors and walls are ok but the place is caked with dirt. The windows, all the kitchen appliances, except for the refrigerator and stove. The tub is huge but there's no shower so I have to wash my hair in my kitchen sink unless I do it while I'm in the tub. The bathroom was filthy too.

The worst part of it is all the neighbors. Tammy and I are gonna talk to Mary Jane tomorrow as I've never even known such noise could exist. They make more noise than I have in my whole life in only one hour. Mary Jane never told me part of the adjacent apartment was over mine. Also that the kids climb out their bedroom window onto the roof which is my living room ceiling. They run all around the outside by my place screaming, too. They bang, stomp and scream inside their place. I cannot even stay in my bedroom and hear myself think. It's hard enough to do so here in my living room where I am now.

It is totally horrendous and I've got to get the fuck out!

Tammy says something can be done about it. Yeah, right. Like what? There are 4 kids over there. What are you gonna do? Chain them to a chair? There's never even a 30-second period where I can't hear a noise of some kind. When their phone rings, I think it's mine. I can hear every word they say and I'm half deaf. I couldn't even take a nap as I was so tired and still am. I'm not going to bed until midnight if this shit keeps up like it did till midnight last night.

I have very much more to write about but I will another time. I'm too tired, pissed, sad and I just want to throw my headphones on, keep them on and drown out the noise. Of course, I'll still feel the vibrations of them dropping or moving shit as they do every other second.

THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

2/14/1992 Fri. 6 PM

I am fully unpacked now. The place is decorated so it looks a little nicer. It is one major dive of a shoebox, though. It needed all the help it could get.

I met my neighbors next door, Barbara, Dave, and their 4 kids. They have a 4-bedroom which is quite bigger than mine. Even their kitchen and living room are much bigger.

My living room is smaller than the bathroom I had in S. Dfld. Stand in the center of the living room here, take just two steps, front, back, left and right and you'll hit the wall. I have also met about 10 of the kids here who are nice. Barbara and Dave are nice, too. There's this 9-year-old girl named Layne who's been here every day along with other kids. She's a very sweet kid and was a great help the day I moved in. She helped me finish decorating the walls last night. The funny thing about it is that these people came to me. I never initiated the first step to meeting them. They're cool, however, I don't want to keep meeting people. Especially those who live here so as to avoid any problems which may occur. As you know, I've learned some valuable lessons the hard way. I've no intention of causing any trouble but trouble very well may come to me that I haven't asked for or deserve. I'm not going through that shit again if I can help it.

Tammy's been a great help till I get my checks and the check Peter owes me. She bought me groceries and I'll pay her back on March 1st. I also must get some shades and save for a washer and maybe a dryer.

The cable people will be here next Tuesday. The sucky thing about it is that you cannot even get regular TV without cable. Such as NBC, ABC and CBS as there's no antenna on the roof. It’s at least an automatic $18 monthly if you want any TV at all. I got a new bank which is where Tammy's account is. I signed up for Direct Deposit and have taken care of SS. All I must do now is go to the phone company for my hookup discount and the utility people, too.

I called the CC which is different from Springfield and Northampton. They're both very small and there are two numbers. One for emergency services and another called Contact if you really want to talk and get shit off your chest. They're both 24-hour services. The girl I spoke to gave me some referrals as far as places to go for therapy.

I'm far from ready to meet someone for a one-nighter now, but cuz the Ann Maries of this world are so few and far between, I must get started soon. By the time I ever meet a woman I'm attracted to who also is attracted to me (if I'm so lucky again), I'll be ready. Especially if it is a year or so from now as it's likely to take that long.

My nieces have been here a few times and I've enjoyed seeing them. All 3 of them spent a couple of hours here while Bill and Tammy went to her doctor. They had a nice time and Sarah never cried once. I gave Lisa my number and she and I spoke for quite a while on my second night here.

When they come here, they love for me to do their hair and put makeup on them. They also have a kick for "grown-up" shoes. My black high-heeled pumps fit Lisa perfectly. And Layne, too. They're both almost my size.

Tammy also lent me several movies so I don't even need any movie channel.

Tammy also said she was impressed with how well I did with the girls and with putting makeup on them. It was sort of funny as I've done that before.

The funniest thing she said was that she envied me. I laughed and said how I envy Gloria. Speaking of Gloria, I saw the tape they taped for me off the Disney channel. She looked hot and I'd kill for the clothes she wore. What taste she has which is exactly the same as mine!

Tammy also taped Law & Order and Reasonable Doubts. Marlee Matlin looked gorgeous as usual, too.

I am not using my waterbed here as there's no room for it. I'm sleeping on my folding chair/bed cushion. It's more comfortable than the couch as the couch tilts at an angle.

Mom and dad called to wish me a happy Valentine's Day, and dad said I was always good at decorating and to have fun with that. Yeah, it's been great fun, alright. I couldn't put up a fraction of my picture collection if I wanted to cuz there's so little space. I have a few pictures of Gloria in my bedroom. Most of my other stuff is up everywhere.

As for the clothesline out back, well, no way can I use it for the most part. Not in this area with kids all over and all kinds of people. Perhaps clothes I don't care about all that much like T-shirts, jeans, sweatpants and sweatshirts. Dresses, skirts, halter tops and shorts I'd rather not as they are what I like best and I'd rather not take the chance of them being stolen. My underwear, no way! As I told Tammy, my underwear isn't all that plain and simple. It's just a wee bit on the sexy side. Sexy pieces of dental floss, Kacey and Brenda used to say.

Jessie called twice and I got my suits in the mail. That did get all screwed up with all the moving as I knew Jessie better. She'd never fuck me over like that. It was funny, though, when they arrived. Tammy was here when we heard them tossed inside the screen door. Tammy opens the inner door, pulls it up and says, "Gee, the mailman must've got his jollies for sure with this." There was a little tear in the envelope and hanging out from it was one of the tops.

Jessie's gonna drive down sometime soon. She's still trying to find her real mother. She's not certain she lives here in Norwich where the adoption agency is she was adopted from. She doesn't even know her name. I told her I will help her if I can. If she gets a name, I'll look it up and give her the information if it's listed. She knows she has two older sisters and that one's deaf.

2/15/1992 Sat. 11 PM

Well, not too much has happened since I last wrote. The family next door continues to wake me up every fucking morning. So far, in a way, they've been doing me a favor by keeping me on schedule. However, if there was a night that I was up very late and wanted to sleep late - forget it. School or not, it's a zoo over there as early as 7 AM.

Like I said, the place is fully decorated now but it's such a dump. I'm just going to pretend I love it here as much as I can. For a girl who's so open, honest and blunt, I've decided to not kiss ass and lie, but pretty much keep my mouth shut. With personal issues. Not all of them but mostly depending on what I feel my mother and sister could handle. Mom could care less, and Tammy - well - she's partially a different story. It's like she can and cannot handle shit. I mean heavy-duty shit or stuff she's not into or knows so little about. She's not stupid and she does care and understand somewhat, but she's always been a billion times moodier and hysterical than me. And I can get quite bad at times. We both learn to deal with shit better as we grow older. Everyone does. But my moods are blown over and done with quickly. I'm able to somehow, as hard as it can be, find a way to laugh and cheer myself up. Tammy's moods drag on and on forever and it's always something new. The issues that have frustrated me in the past, and partially now, are only 3 or 4 issues. With her, it's both old news and a new problem each time I see her. Although Tammy's taken after mom in several ways and she and I are complete opposites, there's not a thing in the world I wouldn't do for her if I could compared to that fucking control freak mother of ours. That little fucking bitch had the nerve to both tell me how I should and I do and I will feel about living here. How she should've put her foot down 3 years ago about me living here. I tell her how the timing was off, I needed to sit on it for a while for many other reasons other than Andy, I'm an adult who'll make up her own fucking mind. When and if I'm ready to. Then, she tells me that's what parents are for.

I asked, "To control me?"

She says, "Yes."

I answered, "When someone's under 18, that's the time to do what you want them to do and not be supportive of their decisions." Of course, I wasn't in the mood to get into the Brattleboro Retreat and bring up other stuff.

When are these people gonna live their lives only? Stop telling people how to live, what to do, say, wear? Offering totally false, stupid, immature, ignorant, crude, unnecessary opinions? When are people gonna stop playing with my head? Stop contradicting me? Stop leading me on? Stop lying to me and misjudging me and calling me a liar? Let me be myself? LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?!?!?!?!?

It gets easier and easier to see myself dumping them one of these days. Soon, they're gonna lose kid number two. And as we all know, I'm half on Larry's side and the other half resents him, but it's gonna be two gone, one more to go. They're not worth it. They're not my type and I can't deal with people like that in my life anymore.

Well, enough of that shit and all that bitching. However, as I said before, here's where I'll do my bitching as well as the happy or so-so stuff. For Tammy, I'll put on a happy face within reason as much as I can. The few issues I've been dealing with, she knows about. Like music and wanting more one-nighters with "real” women. Other than that, my asthma and the dive, all is usually well.

Earlier we all went to Friendly's for ice cream. Tammy, Bill and the 3 girls, plus a friend of Lisa's. Tammy was in a tense pissed-off mood. What it was all about, who knows? I couldn't hear all that well over the girls and the crowd in the place.

Our waiter was a definite fem who reminded me of Andy. Andy, Tammy and I ate lunch in there a long time ago. In the "No Fags Allowed" section of Norwich (NFA). Bill said it stands for Norwich Free Academy. I knew that, but once I swore to Andy it was National Football Association. Andy insisted it was a police academy. So, in the end, we agreed to keep it as No Fags Allowed till we found out for sure.

I met Mary Jane when I walked into the office to sign the lease which is month to month and give her a check. The rent's $139, not $138. Oh well. She's pitifully ugly yet very nice. When she was going through stuff like the rent, power and dumpster, she pulls out the eviction policy and says, "We don't have to worry about this." I thought, gee thanks. How kind of you.

The shirt I wore to Friendly's has long sleeves but doesn't cover my whole forearm when I reach out. First I was hit with Bill asking what happened and I said, “You know what happened.”

He said, “No, I don't know. How could I know?”

I said softly, “A few months ago. You know, as in setback.”

He said, “Oh.” And that was that.

Luckily Tammy was in the bathroom so she could be spared a fit or a heart attack. The second time I went to reach for the ashtray in the center of the table and every person at the table took a good long hard glance at it. Even though Cassandra said I'm not a bad person for doing it, and to learn from it, I'm angry at myself and trying my best to block it out. That stops me from being so angry about what I did. If I block it out, I mean. Most things I can face, express and discuss head-on. So you know if I'm that angry, it hurts. It really hurts and I hate myself for it. Otherwise, I'm basically happy with who, how and what I am.

Jessie, Kim, Bob and Cassandra are the only ones that have my new address and number. As I said, I've spoken to Jessie 3 times. Cassandra may call and I may call and write her a letter. She also says she may come to see me this summer. I know Jessie will be here soon, but I doubt I'll ever see Kim or Bob again in my life. Yes, I will write to them. All they ever talk about is getting my crazy letters with all our lines. Maybe Bob will call me someday. He told Kim, "I miss that little shit." Tonight I tried to call him collect but it wouldn't go through. I did leave a message on Ann Marie's machine. I hope to get another good time in the sack with her, but good luck to myself. Kim called me the day I moved in. I was cracking up when she told me Mark said he misses me. That I was honest, friendly and funny. I know he always liked me but many people have been slightly freaked out by my energy and uniqueness at first till they get to know me. Then when I'm gone, it's so quiet and they miss me.

Funny thing is, though, when I moved, I told myself I'd dump everyone. Even considered Andy. But then I said why do that? Especially when he's so far away and we don't have to deal with each other on a regular basis? Now, I don't know what I'll do but Fran and Nervous are old news. That is for sure. I do miss shooting the shit with Fran though. Maybe I can write to him and enclose my number in time. For now, I'll leave him both mad and wondering. He knew I was planning a move here. I told Tammy to give Andy my number if he calls. When I got my new number, it was too late. He'd already changed his as he said he was going to. Then, when he tried to call me, I'd already split and no one knew it'd be so soon. Andy's new phone is in his own name, but he's not listed. What's taking him so long to call Tammy for my number? Either he's busy, not in the mood to be lectured by Tammy or Tammy lied about telling me she'd give him my number. But would she lie? We promised each other no bullshit and to say “no” rather than yes and bullshit one another. I can always write him a letter and find out whatever is going on.

2/17/1992 Mon. midnight

Before I left Massachusetts, I got a letter from Andy. Apparently, he wrote it at work with some friend who also works there. She also wrote a page.

I think today's Andy's birthday. He's 30 years old if it is.

9:07 PM

Again I woke up with a slight attack. Therefore, I'm nervous about even going to bed. But I've got to, don't I? I must keep on schedule, which is, of course, easy to do cuz of next door. I've only slept till noon or 1:00 twice since I've been here and I've been here for 10 days now.

This Thursday I'll be babysitting for the girls all day. Tomorrow, I've got to call to cancel the cable till I make sure I get and cash Peter's check. I must also call for an asthma doctor, a dentist and a therapist. I must also call the electric company and go to Thames Plaza for my phone hook-up discount. Lastly, get my lease copied for Sheila.

At 10:30 this morning Tammy came over with the girls and we went to McDonald's. After we went to Price Rite, she showed me around a bit, then dropped me off back here.

I spoke with Barbara and Jenny for a while. Barbara was sad due to her husband Dave's mom dying. Barbara had already lost her mom and her brother when he was only 18. After that, Layne came over and she showed me a path in some woods which lead right to Price Rite. On our way back we swung on some swings out in the back of other projects a few buildings down. I also met Layne's mom.

2/19/1992 Wed. 1 AM

I called and scheduled an appointment with an asthma doctor and a therapist. I got my check in the mail from Peter and I'm gonna cash that tomorrow as well as stop at the office for a copy of my lease and to show her Shadow's papers. I need to show Mary Jane that Shadow's been neutered and vaccinated. They say you can only have 1 small dog or cat. It can't exceed 25 pounds or 12" in height. Shadow's shorter than 12". His head's a little over that but I'll have to ask Mary Jane about his tail. I was cracking up thinking, what about his tail. Is that ok? Cuz his tail is definitely above 12" when he stands it straight up.

Both the electric and phone companies are at Thames Plaza. Maybe I can get that taken care of tomorrow. I'll reschedule the cable now that I've got Peter's check for $131.25.

I gave Bob a call and he said he'll call me when he can afford it. He has a high phone bill.

When I looked in my teddy bear phonebook to write new numbers in I said, “Holy shit!” I knew I'd written in Andy's new apartment number but had totally forgotten he did give me his new phone number. With all that's been going on, I'd forgotten all about it and figured he wasn't moving yet. I normally would never forget something like that.

Also, I called Kim and left her a message. I told her now I got this dump fixed up but there's a problem. Every time I look out my window I see cactuses and palm trees. Why? Am I losing my mind? Then, I finished by telling Mark to say hi to Lisa S and to tell Laurie H it'd come in handy for her to know we could do some handy things together. Also, Gloria and Linda say hi. Hahahahaha!

I've written letters to Fran, Nervous, Kim and Bob, and to Andy and Cassandra. Perhaps, I can write to Kacey, Hank, Mattie, Jenny, and Maliheh again someday. They'd love that. Maliheh’s sure to have gotten her letter by now.

I'm pretty tired now and am gonna hit the sack. God, do I ever hope I do not wake up wheezing! It's been worse since I moved here. I should take my breathalyzer one more time to be sure.

6:05 PM

Today I learned a few more things. Yesterday Layne and her friend showed me the path to Price Rite. As Tammy had said, the bank is right across the street. I deposited most of Peter’s check.

The girls and I browsed through TJ Max which is a clothing store. It's ok and lots of the stuff was on sale. I have seen on TV, magazines and other people thousands of outfits I'd kill for. I can't wait till I can go shopping after I buy a washer and dryer. I bought a really pretty barrette with gold stars hanging off and a maroon scrunchy ponytail holder with black string fringes around it. Also, 4 packs of smokes with 2 free lighters and a bag of bite-size Milky Way bars.

I stopped at the office on the way back. The girls showed me how to get to it by circling around. It was a long walk, but fun. Mary Jane was busy so another girl photocopied Shadow's papers, had me sign a form and they also want a picture of him for their files. That's stupid but I guess it's to see the animal's size.

Upon reaching the office, the girls continued back. I walked back afterward, and the mailman was there with my CDs from Columbia House. I was so psyched!

I danced for an hour and a half and then vacuumed, changed Shadow's box, and my bed. My cushion chair, I should say.

Someone just knocked on my door which I did not answer. I told these kids 10,000 times to call me first. Layne and Jenny were here earlier and Tammy was too sick to drop by today. Tammy was gonna pick me up so I could do my laundry and Bill was gonna bring me home. He hasn't seen the place all fixed up. I guess Saturday or Sunday I'll be at their house. Also, they need me to babysit.

I still have zillions of dishes, pots, glasses, mugs and silverware to wash. I will do that shortly and take a nice long, hot, relaxing bath. I'll also watch more videos and write more letters.

2/20/1992 Thurs. midnight

I am scared to go to bed. Well, not scared of going to bed, scared of waking up. Every morning I've been waking up wheezing like hell and I also think my lungs are bleeding. When I cough up it tastes like blood and I've never had that before. Yellow and green and brownish color is supposed to mean an infection. They just gave me another round of antibiotics and the same old shit's right back again as usual. Same thing with down below. I think some people are immune to antibiotics and also some people's infections are permanent. It sure has gone on now for 3 years and gets worse each year.

Since I'm so young and so trapped and not one of the very lucky and very few who can quit smoking for good, I wish I'd die. I hate feeling like this and how it's blocking me from singing without coughing. Even though I'm sure at this day and age I'd never be a singer anyway. I wish they'd just say, “Hey, don't worry about quitting, which you can't do, or suffering anymore. You're gonna die soon of lung cancer or emphysema anyway.”

3:33 PM

I woke up feeling pretty good, thank God.

What's taking Andy so long to call me back? Maybe he's mad at me, but it's not my fault I've been busy and moved earlier than we thought. Fran hasn't called back yet, but that's easy to understand. He lost my number. I'm not gonna call him 3 or 4 times till he gets it straight. I hope Bob, Kim and Jessie call soon, too. I miss Cassandra and I hope everything's ok with her.

Next Friday I have an appointment with an asthma doctor on March 4th I'll see a new therapist named Barbara G. I hate having to start all over again and wonder if she’s good, bad, fat, ugly, pretty or skinny? What matters is her ability to understand me without putting words in my mouth and misjudging me. From the sound of her name, I imagine an older, gray-haired lady. Oh well, that part doesn't matter even though you're naturally curious to see the face of the person you're gonna spill your life story out to.

I can't believe no one's knocked on my door yet. If they do, I'm not answering unless they call first.

I'd like to maybe start looking for a good time but now I have two more reasons to hesitate. One is that I don't have a real bed set up. Two is that my living in a dump is all the more reason to attract losers. I'd have to get ahold of the personals like an Advocate or something. As far as calling a number I got from the CC, I don't know. My biggest concern, naturally, is sorting through the many butches with the hope of finding an ultra-feminine woman who's attractive. And mutually attractive to me too, of course, cuz I'm so feminine. It's one thing to meet someone and talk to them that you know is only gonna be a friend. I can handle that. It's talking to a potential sex partner that gets tricky. I'm always so on guard and self-conscious. Especially if God forbid she is pretty. I'm always wary of what to say or do and question the things I've already done and said. This is my one and only case where I'm so shy rather than just unsure, skeptical and in doubt of someone. Where do I begin? What do I do? Do I just do what I've done in the past?

Someone's fucking knocking on my door! It was Jennifer and I told her I was busy, and from now on I'm not answering my fucking door. I really like her and the other kids, but they're getting on my nerves. How many times will it take for them to get it? To call me first? 50 more times? I'd rather have my train of thought rudely interrupted by the phone.

As far as going about meeting women, I think I'll just sit on it for a while. I'd want what I've always fantasized about. A gorgeous cop. But not with the way they can abuse the law if they have a beef with you. They use their badge as a weapon to enforce their personal lives to meet their approval. Or the lives of others, if they want to. They can make it better or worse depending on who and what you are. I wouldn't trust her even though I highly doubt I'd have to think about it or worry about it. As if I'd ever really meet a gorgeous female cop and get her in bed? Yeah, right. Dream on, even though dreaming sure is a hell of a lot of fun. You know me, I'd rather dream before I ever settle. Dreaming's no crime and I sure as hell don't feel guilty about it. I can tell fantasy from reality, whether I like it or not.

5 PM

I sang 3 songs which were better than any other times I've sung since I moved. However, I'm still pretty congested and my chest feels tight and heavy. I'm being very careful and trying to discipline myself with the smokes. I'd like to wake up alive tomorrow too, and not half dead. I've upped my meds a little which Dr. Leitch advised me to do a while back. The Theodur makes you wicked spastic, though, and I'm plenty energetic enough.

I let Shadow run around outside again today. He gets to be a real pain in the ass and I can't trust him. When I want to write, listen to music or watch TV, I don't want to have to keep jumping up to be sure he's not destroying anything. When I leash him down, he conveniently thrashes his leash around which is metal and tangles himself up. I want to get him a rope leash which is quiet and hard to tangle as it's slippery. Then he can trash his litter box which is already one big toy and a way to make a mess. Never have I ever heard of a cat who gets off on me cleaning up after him and hitting him. I hit him and he comes back for more, stands still, lets me do it, has a grin on his face, then gets all lovey-dovey. You'd think that any cat who's really afraid would behave better and cats aren't stupid either.

2/21/1992 Fri. 1:17 AM

I am listening to some of the edits now but soon I'm gonna go to sleep.

Earlier Fran called me with Andy on his 3-way. Fran called Andy first cuz Andy can't call long-distance either. A new policy just went into effect as too many people are stiffing the phone co. He has to have his long-distance blocks on for a year as he's a new customer and he put down a $175 deposit. That really sucks. He has a letter he's working on for me. He already has 11 pages done and he read me the first page. He also wrote a song for me which was nice and he's working on my tapes. While he's making my tapes, he's also gonna tape Rick and Nervous for Fran. Fran's been wanting that for quite a while now. Andy also said he taped Gloria's concert from the Disney channel, but I told him Tammy beat him to it. Lastly, he wants more bracelets and to remember the beach this August.

Oh, I've been thinking about that beach, alright. That's for damn sure. All I've been dying to do is wear summer clothes, go to the beach, go swimming and get a tan.

I hope Jessie and Cassandra come see me. I really really miss Cassandra and I thank God in a way that she's out of my life. I never wrote about it but I am glad I didn't know her too long. I think I was developing a little too much liking for her. Of course, I never had the guts to tell her even though knowing her, she'd be flattered. That lady really believed in me and truly admired me and told me many times I was pretty. Who knows what was really going through her mind? I used to wonder and I still do. She knew, though, where my feelings stand as far as relationships go and also that I'd be moving.

Kim, I doubt I'll ever see, but that's ok.

2/23/1992 Sun. 12:22 PM

I am now with my nieces at my sister's house. Becky really wanted to see me write in the journal. So, that is exactly what I'm doing.

Lisa helped me with Sarah and showed me how to prepare her bottle. Then, we changed her diaper and put her down for her nap. I am doing my laundry. In another half an hour I will go downstairs and check it.

Becky brushed my hair. She did a good job.